MADDSKILLZ Update
Best of October
1SKILLZ Management (1maddskillz@gmail.com)
Quote of the Month: “What is there to guess about the future then if everything seems so predictable? I do know though that David Letterman will run for the democratic ticket and Bill will be his running mate. Yo momma will be his first lady and yes…there will be a Simpson holiday. All these things will happen and more three weeks from when hell freezes over.” -Big D (October 03)
Quote of the Month- “I have Sex next…Sex is easy, Sex is fun…Then I’m free the rest of the day…” Kyree Brown, discussing how his schedule for the rest of the day included his Sex and Society class and free blocks the rest of the day (October 04)
Quote of the Month- “You know college is where everyone meets their baby’s mom at, so you better find a nice one, because you’re going to be stuck with them for the rest of your life.” Phil Harrison (October 05)
Quote of the Month- “Two sides to every story/One man’s gloom, another man’s glory/Sun to his shadow, rose to a thorn/ain’t no fury like a woman scorned…” Prince, “Fury” (October 06)
Quote of the Month: “One thing I wanted to talk about was, now I’m not hating, don’t get me wrong I’m not hating, but I’ve been going to some football games, and the football team…I’m not here to hate on our football team…football team is nice! Y’all nice! … Undefeated, let’s go, let’s win it all, let’s win it. But…I was peeping the band. I’m not hating on y’all band…I’m cool with band people ya dig, but…can we just spice up the halftime show just a little bit?! Because I don’t know if it’s just me but, uh, when halftime rolls around I just get a real…just uh, like, when is the second half starting type of feeling, you know? And then, I mean, like…music, I know it’s not my style of music, so maybe that’s one reason, but y’all just don’t look like y’all want to be out there sometimes…I see the baton people dropping the batons… I know it’s not that easy to twirl the baton but…if you’re going to set the baton on fire at least catch the G—damn baton!” Ronald Taylor aka Spoon on his radio show “Spoony Talk”. No Spoon, you’re not the only one. I’m actually genuinely concerned about “Hey Jude” being stuck in my head until the end of November. (October 07)
Quote of the Month: “Truth is…I AM Iron Man.” Iron Man. Proof that I saw a movie this month. (October 08)
Quote of the Month: “Taylor, I’m really happy for you. I’ll let you finish, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time! One of the best videos of all time!” Kanye West interrupting Taylor Swift at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards. In a related story, I am happy to announce here that a special new federal program has been formed as a reaction to Kanye’s outburst, tentatively titled “Black Presidents for Taylor Swift.” (October 09)
MADDSKILLZ Update (October 03)
First Thoughts (October 05) – Allright, I’ve been here a month. So I’m supposed to let people know how 1SKILLZ is holding up these days. Well look, it’s not all sweet music here:
15 times I was tackled playing flag football.
14 times I was caught on surveillance imitating Andre 3000.
13 times I was caught with a sleeping bag on an elevator.
12 of those times it was before 1 PM.
11 times I was abducted by the ROTC…that was an ID issue.
10 times I was cited for walking around wearing bright colors at 11 AM.
9 times I got my lunch money stolen.
8 of those times were by the 90 year old librarian.
7 times my cell phone rang in classes.
6 of those times it was the 90 year old librarian.
5 times I got bumrushed by public safety for calling them the police.
4 times I dropped the soap…I don’t know how the hell I survived that.
3 times I got kicked off campus for not spending a Benjamin on books.
My brother is the other person who took my money and called me about it.
And because of one sinus infection, I was on three prescription pills for a week.
Well, the only thing that’s true is that last one, and I’m all healthy now…so with that in mind time to get this MADDSKILLZ Update running.
MADDSKILLZ Update (October 04)
FIRST THOUGHTS (October 08): I thought about apologizing for last month’s MADDSKILLZ Update being 10 pages. But a funny thing happened: I don’t have the space for an apology! Plus, last month’s update could have been 10 sentences; it wouldn’t make that much of a difference. I know length scares people off, but I’ve written three page Updates in the past and that scares people off too! 10 pages, 30 days to read it, that’s how I see it. So no apology, though I doubt this MADDSKILLZ Update will reach 10 pages! No, I actually have a public service to present. You see, the state of Pennsylvania basically banned smoking, also known as “lung suicide”. As you can tell, I am all for the smoking ban. I don’t smoke, never have, and never will. But it’s not like I don’t know what I’m missing, thanks to the second-hand smoke I get from time to time. But I don’t want to be insensitive, I understand that some people believe it is their right to smoke, just as it is their right to jump in rivers, play with bears, and eat at McDonalds. So the MADDSKILLZ Update brings to the smoking public the top five alternatives to smoking! The List returns to the MADDSKILLZ Update:
#1: Gum! Chewing gum can be as disgusting and annoying a habit as smoking, but it tastes much better and is easier on pockets! You can buy packs of gum an exhaust them just like packs of cigarettes! Besides, what’s more fun, blowing smoke or blowing bubbles?
#2: Chocolate pretzel sticks! It takes some practice, but you can blow dust at the hollow end of a pretzel as if they were burning ashes! And the chocolate pretzels allow (former) smokers to have a coffee alternative! (RE: Lisa wrote a song about coffee. This song will NOT be in the MADDSKILLZ Update, as a coffee alternative list may be considered if this song gets out of control during performances. More on this as it develops.)
#3: Sour Punch Straws! Chewing plastic straws is understandably bland and leaves much to be desired. So why not add something to it?! This is also a good alternative for the select few who like to lace things with PCP or angel dust.
#4: Slim Jims! For those who need a burning sensation, there are not many alternatives like the Tabasco flavored Slim Jim.
And, #5: Incense! If you need a smoke filled room to function properly, light an incense …and then read the MADDSKILLZ Update!
MADDSKILLZ Update (October 05)
– (October 03) At my second SEPTA stop to school, there is a funeral home. The name of it is the Helen Waite Funeral Home. It’s a good thing they don’t have a slogan, or it would sound like this: “If a loved one dies, go to Helen Waite.”
– (October 04) Why don’t child stars grow up? Because if they did, they would be adult stars.
– (October 05) It’s time to bring back RetardNation for the first time this season. You all might know that RetardNation the past two seasons has brought us closer to the crazy world we must all share. This month we look at my favorite section of the campus newspaper, the police reports (because “the streets are crazy, man”). Of course you have your usual underage drinking citations and burnt popcorn. But here’s my favorite of the past month: Crazy Jumpers. Look I’m not making this up. Basically, some people were “jumping around in their dorm room on the fourth floor of Building C”. This pissed off some people on the second floor. The second floor!!! I’m telling you, this people must have some crazy bunnies or the mass in the tank is unspeakable, or both. The second floor! And it gets better, as these second floor people “rallied people from the third floor and confronted the crazy jumpers. One student was reported as having an aluminum bat.” The matter was settled without further incident, but needless to say, RetardNation lives on.
– (October 05) Apparently, CSI: NY has been successful enough to earn a second season. I don’t watch CBS unless it’s some football or college bball, but I can say whatever I want about whatever, thus the commentary. Look, CBS has established an empire of CSIs that must be stopped. Soon we’re going to be getting CSIs of everywhere! A CSI every night of the week, baby. We’re talking CSI: LA, CSI: West Philly, CSI: Alaska, and CSI: Venus, where they try and find all of those missing astronauts NASA didn’t tell you about. You know, the black guys from when NASA was just starting out, experimenting.
– (October 06) MADDSKILLZ education time: It has been said that if you hear the word “but”, it means to forget everything that preceded the word. For example, Kendis (that’s an actual name, I checked the ghetto “name yo baby” dictionary) is cool BUT he always gets beat up after school. That rule isn’t true; it’s something that people use to be witty. Because if I rephrased the statement, you can tell me what you’re thinking about: Kendis always gets beat up after school, BUT he’s cool. You are not ignoring the fact that he gets beat up all the damn time by the same two girls, Corentine and Tanginika. You are, however, wondering what the definition of “cool” is though, I can tell you that right now.
– (October 06) Well Whitney Houston FINALLY filed for D-I-V-O-R-C-E from Bobby Brown. So, after the drugs, the alcohol, the abuse, the car wrecks, the stints in rehab, the arrests, and the laughter, we find that it takes Osama bin Laden to break these two up.
– (October 06) As for Bobby Brown, things might be bad between him and Whitney, but he can always go back to New Edition, and we could play Fun With Lyrics, something that hasn’t been in the MADDSKILLZ Update since late 2005. Now Bobby is single now, and it’s a place he hasn’t been in a while. He’s “Lost In Love”, but that’s ok, because “A Little Bit of Love Is All It Takes”. So Bobby tries calling up New Edition (Ronnie, Johnny, Ricky, Ralph, and Mike) but he hasn’t paid his phone bills. So the next day he goes to see “Mr. Telephone Man” to see if he can see what’s up. Telephone Man asks Bobby “’Can You Stand the Rain?’” and Bobby says no, “If It Isn’t Love”. Telephone Man tells Bobby “well ‘Cool It Now’, I’ll give you a new deal and then you can just ‘Hit Me Off’ at the end of the month”. Bobby accepts the offer, punches Telephone Man in the face, and meets up with the rest of New Edition. They hit the town, and Bobby sees this “Candy Girl”. New Edition warned Bobby about “Popcorn Love” but Bobby decided to break up with the group (again) and went off with “Candy Girl”. Everyone in New Edition just said “Count Me Out” and said that Bobby’s issues are the things that change “Boys To Men”. Bobby’s time with “Candy Girl” lasted two minutes and 34 seconds before she broke off with some bodyguard. Bobby got arrested soon after for punching Telephone Man, and was left screaming in the back of a police car to “Candy Girl”: “’Is This the End?’ ‘I’m Still In Love With You!’”
– (October 06) In RetardNation: A lot of people noticed that Facebook, in a further effort to alter life as we know it, introduced the News Feed. The addition drew heavy backlash, as people were concerned about Facebook becoming too invading, like Myspace. I’m going to be honest here. Those people who are concerned about people watching their every move on Facebook are so retarded it’s ridiculous. If you are concerned about strange people that you don’t know knowing every detail that you change, STOP ADDING THEM AS FRIENDS DAMMIT! And if you don’t want something in your profile to be seen, then don’t put it online! That’s why Myspace scares people now, people are saying, “I don’t want my child molested online”, some dumb BS that parents usually say. You know the best way to make sure you don’t have some 47 year old child impersonator hitting on you? Put some ugly ass pictures of yourself online, stop using those damn hearts (you know the one: <3), and stop putting up your life. Unless you want to, and in that case, that’s your boat. Bottom line, this getting mad at Facebook because your lazy ass didn’t feel like deciding if you want a person to know you and your information needs to be toned down, big time.
– (October 09) And since we’re on the topic of uninvited dedication to addressing pressing issues, we enter the world of RetardNation! In this month’s visit, we wonder what in the hell Kanye West was trying to do at the VMAs, and it’s funny that anyone would think this has much to do with anybody other than Kanye! “Why would he do this to Taylor Swift, she’s just a baby, pobrecita!” Listen, I like Taylor Swift just as much as the next black man, but Kanye’s vigilance had nothing to do with Taylor Swift, Beyoncé, or even Michael Jackson! This had everything to do with the very man who is being cursed by you all, Kanye West! After the South Park “Fishsticks” episode I thought two things: That Kanye West is a gay fish, and that maybe, just maybe, he realized that he has a ridiculous ego problem. Now I think about that episode, and I think Kanye West is a genius! You see, Kanye West is an entertainer. It is his job to keep you entertained, whether it is voluntarily or by interrupting people during award shows. Would it have mattered if he did not make an appearance at this year’s VMA’s? Hell no, but Kanye thought of a perfect Jedi Mind Trick to take attention AWAY from Taylor Swift and Beyoncé and bring it unto himself! Retarded? Yes. Genius? Hell yes! Let’s recap Kanye’s career shall we? Let’s start out at a time where Kanye’s head was of normal proportions. He drops out of college, gets signed to Roc-A-Fella, produces almost half of The Blueprint (the reason a lot of y’all care about Jay-Z to this day), then breaks his face using a car. The result? The College Dropout! He has your attention, and then on live TV for relief for Hurricane Katrina victims, he reminds us that George Bush doesn’t care about black people. That got people talking, and Late Registration was out that week! Then Kanye started crashing award shows, and at the 2007 VMAs criticized MTV for featuring Britney Spears more than him. Of course, 50 Cent was making things easy for Kanye by releasing his wack album on the same day as Graduation, which came out that week! And then, Kanye lost his mother and saw his engagement end … and also watched T-Pain’s popularity escalate:808s & Heartbreak! Now his ego has taken hits from South Park, Jay-Z came out with “D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune)”, which Kanye contributed to, and now he’s climbing into a hole after getting drunk and crashing the VMAs! When he comes out with his next album, you know you’ll be on it! I’ve wanted to like Kanye West since ’03, but it gets harder and harder every year! The only reason I care about Kanye West is because I like his music. That is literally it! You and I are both thinking, “when Kanye stops making good music, SCREW HIM!” But, if Kanye thrives on being a jackass, then he truly is a genius! Plus, all of this is really Jay-Z’s fault. Jay-Z put Kanye on basically, Jay-Z married Beyoncé, and everything is Jay-Z’s fault anyway. Jay-Z is to Kanye West what Jerry Rice is to Terrell Owens, and it’s eating at Kanye, you can tell.
– (October 09) Febreeze = microwave laundromat.
– (October 08) I’m taking two classes in the English department this semester: Journalism I and Creative Writing: Poetry. In other words, I have one class where I have to eliminate unnecessary words (journalism) and then 2 hours later I have a class where I have to use all of these extra words all the time for “sensory images” (poetry). My poetry class reminds me of everything I hated about literature classes at Friends’ Central! When I’m in this class, I act like a star receiver: chances are, if I’m not involved, I’m not interested. What made lit class hard for me when I was at FCS was how everyone seemed to know what every author was talking about. It’s as if the whole class is faking an orgasm or something! People would just say whatever, and as long as they could justify it, you’d get by. I’m too honest, I’ll mess around and point out the author’s personal problems while writing said poem and say, “I feel good today, therefore I didn’t understand the poem.”
– (October 08) The Seattle Supersonics has moved their franchise to Oklahoma City to become the Oklahoma City Thunder. This was a bad day for Ice Cube, since the Lakers can no longer beat the Supersonics.
– (October 08) I have documented my struggle to stay away from naps in the past. I once compared naps to candy; I’ll let you figure that one out. Every time I take a nap, I wind up sleeping for at least three hours! I loved the siestas in Spain, but I don’t think I have recovered. I always oversleep during the day, I have to roll out of bed on to the floor to break dormancy, and I have to make conscious efforts NOT to sleep. Because of these issues, I have entered a special rehabilitation program called Sleep Rehab. The goal of Sleep Rehab is to enjoy sleep, not abuse it. Even though I only have class three days a week, I no longer sleep in. I no longer take naps, opting instead to brush my teeth or spray Febreeze. And I bought bean bags that look like trash bags, which makes it easier to crash on something other than my bed! I would say Sleep Rehab is working so far, but I went to sleep at 9:30 last night…
– (October 08) I think misogyny gets too much attention. I’m all for philogyny.
– (October 08) So Lisa has a class where she has to do a mortality survey. I think I’ll take a class next year that does immortality surveys.
– (October 08) Potentially Overheard on TBS during Major League Baseball playoffs: “While we have a break in the action, let’s show tonight’s “Dirty-Ass Fan of the Night”, bought to you by Irish Spring. Irish Spring, smell like you’re worth exploring!”
– (October 04) Oprah Winfrey had a huge surprise for her season premiere…and it turned out to be a brand new car for everyone in the studio audience. Now, I never liked Oprah’s show (the hollering and screaming over every little thing, not to mention one of my dear aunts forcing me to watch it over Mighty Morphin Power Rangers about a dozen years ago, back in the day). So I looked into the situation that this huge surprise gave me and came up with this…What about the woman who lives in Chicago but had to take the Subway to get to the show, so she comes a day after everyone gets a new car (because of transportation issues) and all she gets is another Dr. Phil book?! That’s ludacris too…GET OPRAH OUT!!
– (October 07) Koni, my best college classmate ever, has started teaching observations. She was greeted by a first grader who told her straight up: “I don’t have a daddy!” She later told Koni that her daddy got shot running from prison or something, without prompt or anything. Koni can handle it though. I wish I had that girl in my class over the summer too for some reason. Wait, no I don’t. I wasn’t trained to teach first grade.
– (October 09) It has been announced that Disney and the male enhancement drug Viagra have reached a promotional deal that would feature Pinocchio in billboards worldwide. Disney is hoping this goes over better than the Seven Dwarfs streetwalker service … (RE: That might have been inappropriate. It might not pass the “grandmother test”, the one that says that if you can’t say it in front of your grandmother then it’s probably not appropriate to say in general. But there’s a good chance that your grandmother gets this before you do.)
– (October 07) And finally, I went to Kennywood, an amusement park in Pittsburgh, last Saturday night for Fright Night. Now…tell me why one of the girls thought I was one of the park attractions.
MADDSKILLZ Update (October 06)
LAST CALL… (October 04)
No more “last word” stuff. I changed it because it doesn’t seem like I need a last word. I need to give a few (I repeat, a few) shoutouts during the month, being that the Update has been distributed between three major groups. So the last call goes to those three (Antequera 2003, Trailblazer Camp 2004, and everybody around Friends’ Central, but especially ’05). That’s it for this month, Happy Columbus Day (not) and Halloween (go to church, it’s on a Sunday)
MADDSKILLZ Update (October 07)
ONE SHOT (October 06): I think I know what I want to do with the ONE SHOT now. This will be a place where I’ll let someone give me a general topic to end the MADDSKILLZ Update with, and that will be that. So I’ll put déjà vu, part deux right here, and that is a look back at some of those wild NFL picks I had, and some comments on some other things NFL. Miami still might win the division. Pittsburgh sucks. Baltimore will win more than 4 games, Cleveland still might not. Denver won’t be 15-1, but if you look, I said something would happen to Trent Green. The Chiefs still haven’t won a game, and I don’t care of they only lost two. Dallas will not be 14-2, so who knows who will win the division? The Eagles really messed up by not beating New York, but New York has serious issues and should be more concerned about their loss to Seattle. Chicago will be better than 6-10, and Green Bay will win more than 1 game, but Detroit still might win only 2. Atlanta is good, but Carolina already has 2 losses and New Orleans already has 3 wins. Just to wrap up with three comments: one, who would you want on the cover of Madden 08? Two, Chris Simms is tough, but Dan Kaufman is tougher because when he ruptured his spleen, he won a championship AND shut the other team out. Granted, it was soccer, but still. And three, Tony Kornheiser, would you please SHUT THE HELL UP?!
MADDSKILLZ Update (October 08)
This has been a MADDSKILLZ publication. Not SKILLs. SKILLZ.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. For everything else, there’s MasterCard. Or next month’s Update.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. I came, I saw, I established a party.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Hair and shape-up courtesy of Cyn and Spin.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. I’m a man, I’m 20!
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. I want to thank the Planet Earth for getting me this far…
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Contains hazardous material, handle with extreme caution caution caution.
MADDSKILLZ Update (October 09)