Dec 20 2010

Don’t look now, but Santa Claus is Coming to Town

I was riding with the Brother Dwight last winter when we started wondering what the real deal with Santa Claus was.  We concluded the following: The wrath of Santa is no joke.

First of all, peep Santa’s beard and recognize that he has been growing that out for YEARS.  Some men take awhile to get a moustache, while Santa looks in the mirror in the morning with absolutely no regard for being fresh.

None Whatsoever.

Then this dude Santa Claus decides he’s going to chill up at the North Pole all year.  I don’t know if you or Matthew Henson realized that there is no land on the North Pole, yet Santa takes up permanent residence. Maybe it’s just a post office box address, I don’t know.

The Original Black Santa.

And around every November, Santa Claus has all of the malls’ attention.  They don’t know what mall Santa will show up, but just in case it happens to be their mall, management is sure to clear out a whole section for him and his wife!  Speaking of his wife, you know she loves Santa because he’s home 300 days out the year!  But Ms. Claus probably doesn’t know how Santa does on the night before Christmas.

Probably not Mrs. Claus, but you go ahead and say something about it.

First of all, Santa gets up there on his sleigh and makes all the booty calls to the moonlighters – three at a time!  And then he descends down the chimneys of married men and has their kids reporting about the time they saw their mom kissing him.  You know Joe Jackson must’ve flipped when he heard the Jackson 5 singing that song.

Or maybe he didn't notice...?

Santa strikes fear in households.  Who else do you know is so notorious breaking into fools houses that they actually leave him cookies and milk?!  And he just plays with children’s emotions. If you’ve been nice all year, he doesn’t even get what you want on his list … just what happens to be in his sack when he comes to your area code.  He only takes children’s Christmas lists for his own amusement.  And if you’ve been naughty, he takes a piece of coal from the same fireplace he just made love to your mom on and drops it in your stocking.

That's cold.

Even the way he treats his reindeer is no laughing matter.  I’m not sure how PETA hasn’t started a Christmas campaign about Santa Claus’ treatment of Rudolph in particular.  Have y’all ever seen a reindeer?  They’re not bony like Bambi.

"Oh no, Santa Claus is coming for you Bambi! RUN!"

In fact, if that movie was never made you’d think they’re freakin’ monsters.  Yet, Santa rounds them up and makes them battle each other, and the one with the bloodiest nose gets to call himself Rudolph for the night and lead the heavy sleigh.

Most importantly though, Santa does WORK.  He’s smart, knowing he has to start on the left side of the International Date Line and work his way west, and he gets things done.  Damn.  Santa Claus is a real boss.


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