MADDSKILLZ Update
Best of January
1SKILLZ Management (1maddskillz@gmail.com)
Quote of the Month- “(Imitating cell phone ring) ‘Hello? Again? Damn…All right, I’ll be there.’ Sorry Everybody! That was my baby’s mama again! Turns out she was the ninth caller again, so once again I have to cut short my live appearance to pick her up in my Cadillac downtown!” – Lawrence Murray, in a Kwanzaa sketch that was thought up by some juniors in 10 minutes. It was only my second week at that Saturday morning program and I didn’t know anybody, so I took a risk in this American Idol spoof and it worked (January 04)
Quote of the Month- “Just because she’s not there doesn’t mean I’m not coming-tu casa es mi casa!”…”Yeah, and tu mama es mi mama!” –Rob Ricketts and Dwight Dunston, discussing Brennan and Parker’s party among other things (January 05)
Quote of the Month- “Do you know who I think the Black Leader should be, who I think the Black Leader should be? Pat Riley! Coach Pat Riley! No man has led more Black men to the Promised Land than Coach Pat Riley. He may not get us to the mountaintop but he’ll get us to the playoffs, and that’s all we want, that’s all we want!” Chris Rock, Bring the Pain (January 06)
Quote of the Month- “1. Cut a hole in a box. 2. Put your junk in that box. 3. Make her open the box. And that’s the way you do it.” Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake talking about their special gift on Saturday Night Live (December 16, 2006) (January 07)
Quote of the Month: “…Different mothers, same father…heavenly though!” Dwight Dunston, just a sample of a late-night freestyle that only Rob the Legend and I could witness… maybe Rob remembers more (January 08)
Quote of the Month: “I am going to say one thing. I am really happy to be back in Calgary. I love Canada. I just want to comment on how it has become a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I do not know what that is about, but enjoy the game.” Inactive Dallas Stars left winger Sean Avery on Calgary Flames defenseman Dion Phaneuf, who is dating Avery’s ex-girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert, and Los Angeles Kings forward Jarret Stoll, who is dating Avery’s ex-girlfriend Rachel Hunter. I wonder who will fall in love with the Dallas Stars’ sloppy seconds. (January 09)
Quote of the Month: “I would rather be able to appreciate things I cannot have than to have things I am not able to appreciate,” Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915) (January 2010)
MADDSKILLZ Update (January 04)
FIRST THOUGHTS: (January 04) Well, it is now 2K4. I am glad 2003 is over, because it was not good. Even though I went to Spain over the summer, went to the Hugh O’Brien Youth Leadership Seminar in March, and won a MIP award, it was not enough to be a good year overall. So I am looking forward to the new year ahead, and it is very important for everybody, even if they don’t think so. For one, this is the first leap year of the millennium. So everyone in the world that has no goals whatsoever can go all out at the end of February and say they won’t have that much fun in four (4) years! (NOTE: do not even think about telling me 2000 was the first leap year of the millennium. 2000 was just the first year in a long time where all the numbers changed, and it excited a lot of people.) Also, 2004, seniors graduate, and it’s my last full year at home (hopefully). Thirdly, the presidential/democratic elections are here this year, and George W. Bush solidified re-election with his capture of Saddam Claus-Hussein. Seriously, that was the most historic shaving in history. But New Year’s Day brings New Year’s Resolutions. Now, many people believe resolutions are BS things that people say and then they go all out on February 29th, breaking every resolution they made. Not me, not this year. I’m making resolutions that will stick as the list returns to the MADDSKILLZ UPDATE…
1) I will not drink soda this year. That’s right, 366 days of non-carbonated, non-caffeine, and non-alcoholic beverages for me only. If those in Letty’s group remember, I was unpleasantly surprised when that guy at the Subway near the hotel had that KAS stuff, or whatever it was called. It was terrible, but I’ll admit, the Fanta was good stuff. (For Nick, it was like second currency) But not this year. Besides, cranberry juice is better anyway!
2) I will mature. I don’t know how that’s going to happen…but it will.
3) I will up my grades. Again, I don’t know how that’s going to happen, but I won’t overcook. How will I pull that off? Well there’s this psychologist…
4) I will not say my fault/my bad. I’m just going to do the right thing.
5) And this MADDSKILLZ UPDATE will continue. Starting now…
MADDSKILLZ Update (January 05)
FIRST THOUGHTS (January 09): This is NOT Lawrence Murray writing this MADDSKILLZ Update, this is the host of 1SKILLZ-TV Lorenzo Anderson. I know most of you are used to the 1 with the SKILLZ, Lawrence Murray, writing the MADDSKILLZ Update. I feel sorry for you all. Well, due to the fact that Lawrence Murray isn’t even hosting the web show 1SKILLZ-TV, he decided he shouldn’t write the MADDSKILLZ Update either. Something about Sleep Rehab or something. So you got me, and I’m going to write a better MADDSKILLZ Update than Lawrence Murray has ever written. Plus, this is the first MADDSKILLZ Update of 2009, so that’s even more of a reason to be refreshed from Lawrence Murray, one of the wackest individuals ever to attempt infotainment. I know this is New Year Day, but it’s also Hate on 1SKILLZ Day (and Everybody’s Celebratin’). The only reason I do 1SKILLZ-TV is to promote his radio show at California University of Pennsylvania, 1SKILLZ-FM (91.9 FM in California, PA, WCAL, http://wcal.cup.edu/live.mov, Tuesdays 10AM-12PM). The radio show is scheduled to return January 13, 8 days after Lawrence Murray attempts to celebrate his 22nd birthday on January 5th. And you know what I’ll be doing on January 5th? While he’s out trying to get strangers to talk to him, I’ll be hosting the fifth and final 1SKILLZ-TV, which will be available on http://www.myspace.com/1skills and wherever videos are found on Facebook, just like the first 4 webisodes. I should probably tell you all what’s been going down so far on 1SKILLZ-TV, this glorified advertising campaign. There have been 4 webisodes so far, all of them out of control. The airdates were December 15, 20, 25, and 30. It’s been a fast moving sketch comedy show taped with a cell phone, yet all of them are too long to fit on YouTube. This was Lawrence Murray’s idea obviously. But I’m me. I do work, no matter how dumb this show is. So I’m going to write this MADDSKILLZ Update, but keep in mind, this is Lorenzo Anderson. Listen to the radio show if you want to, and make sure you see the 1SKILLZ-TV webisodes!
MADDSKILLZ Update (January 06)
-Not having cable made this past month incredibly boring on the screen. More than anything, I didn’t see my first non-Sixers NBA game until the Kobe vs. Shaq show on Christmas. That was incredibly enjoyable. The other thing was no college football. So I just played Madden for hours on end. But the point is, 12 channels won’t get the job done unless you can understand Spanish…in that case Univision has some intense telenovelas. You know, the tu mama es mi mama kind of thing. (January 05)
-Damn the Indianapolis Colts. Looked liked a perfect team, and with a dream team offense and a defensively minded coach like Tony Dungy, they should have. I was actually a Colts fan. But they up and lose to the Chargers, who earn the title of best non-playoff team a week later. But this isn’t about the Chargers. It’s about the Colts. And they were supposed to be “the team”. Now? I hope the Patriots beat those losers in the AFC Championship again. (January 06)
-You know those bus cameras? They are there to prevent any dumbstuff from happening on the bus obviously, but I wouldn’t be surprised if none of those cameras work. I have a thing for spotting security cameras (guilty conscience), and everytime I walk into a room I look for a camera. You can seriously just stick a warning somewhere saying “you are being watched”, it wouldn’t make a difference. We live in a day and age where all you need to do is “show” you are packing security. Just look at the hood, you know for a fact that the only part of the Slomin’s Shield people have installed is the aluminum sign for the front yard. (January 07)
-Back in the hood, Pt. 1: I was leaving Kylie and Ashley’s house one night and was waiting on a bus home at Saint Joseph’s University when I had realized this old, short, agitated woman inching towards me as if she wanted to ask me a question. You know how SEPTA buses will sit around a bus stop idle while people could be boarding? It can be annoying, but some people just deal with it. This woman sounded like she was pockmarked from it. She started complaining to me about why the bus couldn’t come down and pick them up, and I just kept saying “SEPTA isn’t really a service anymore”. But she was convinced that SEPTA were the devil or something. She wouldn’t shut up when I agreed with her, so for the first time in my life I started defending SEPTA, just to get her to stop whining about it (to me at least). Then she was like “SEPTA almost killed me! I’m suing the city because the bus driver wanted to run me over! Rendell should take over, they kill people!” I was just like “Damn, that sucks.” Then she went on and on about Philly and how everyone’s calling it Killadelphia (as if they weren’t saying that before this year or something, just this year). I just said “Yeah, I heard they’re calling it Killadelphia now. Good thing I don’t live here.” So she asked me where I live at, and that’s when I got creative: “I don’t live anywhere ma’am. I just go to school and come home and wander the streets”. She kept testing me though: “But your permanent address is in Philadelphia, right?” “Nope, it’s somewhere in Jersey right now, but it might change, I never know.” She was like “good for you, you don’t want to live here.” She wanted to continue, but fortunately it was around this time that my mother placed her usual “It’s 10PM, is Lawrence still alive call”. Never has that call come at a better time! Of course my mom hung up too soon. So I called everybody I could until I got off the bus…luckily Cassie answers her phone! (January 08)
-I’m going to go ahead and make a commentary about some of these girls. Y’all have to get two things straight. Number one, men can be stupid sometimes. Sometimes all of the time. Number two, y’all don’t help much at all. I met a lot of unwise females this year. I understand if a girl can’t stand a certain dude and will take it out on every man. That’s your right, whatever. But if you are complaining about how you look or how you are treated by other wack dudes, and you freeze a halfway decent man who tells you none of that stuff matters, then who is being stupid? The woman who doesn’t know anything about real beauty or the man who spends too much time trying to talk some sense? Get it together ladies. You don’t need a plastic surgery to catch the attention of dumb guys, unless that’s what you’re going for. Figure it out! (January 09)
-I was downtown at Borders one night after work looking for my 2010 books when this woman approached me asking about the price of a book she had in her hand. Now, I don’t work at Borders and I wasn’t pretending to, but I did happen to have this bright red jacket on. I calmly showed her the price sticker on the book and she walked on. Minutes later, I was trying to find the section where I could get my almanac when the woman resurfaced, actually flagging me down to ask another question! At this point, I just stopped and let her come to me because there was a chance that she was, you know, crazy. I wasn’t sure, but I wasn’t sure either, you understand. She asked me this time where she could find a certain book, and I just pointed in her in the right direction. Eventually, I made it in line to check out when this woman somehow made it behind me in line! Right before I was up for the register, she asked me if I wanted to buy a SEPTA token off of her, and all I told her was that I’ve got a monthly before hustling on out of there! And that’s just the beginning of what can happen while wearing the red jacket. (January 2010)
-Potentially Overheard: “It’s cold as Dentyne Ice out here! My breath already smells better just from breathing the air!” (January 09)
-I just finished my fifth semester at California University of PA. Some of you remember when I got upset in June about my dissatisfaction with Cal U and how grades don’t mean anything in college. So it only made sense to come back and get a 4.0 this semester. 5 classes, none of them a real cakewalk, and I get nothing but A’s in them for the first time in ten years! However, a closer look at this past semester says that I got a 3.0 in intramural athletics (should have won a championship), a 2.0 in extracurricular activities (didn’t do much of note outside of class except cash work-study checks working with Dan Boring), a 1.0 in keeping in contact with people (people thought something was wrong with me all year and/or just slipped away and backed off), and, not surprisingly, a 0.0 in dealing with women. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t wait to get out of school this winter! (January 08)
-Did anyone see the Knicks-Nuggets brawl? If so, then you knew RetardNation would be showing up this month. In the Western Conference of RetardNation we have Carmelo Anthony. Now Carmelo has worked very hard to take his game up another level after his team was embarrassed in last season’s playoffs by the Los Angeles Clippers. He is averaging over 30 points this season. He was finally going to earn that All-Star spot in the West. And then the brawl went down. It was towards its end, things were calming down, but little did the world know that retard thoughts were going through Carmelo’s headband: “Look at these cats fightin’. Now I’m the best scorer in the league, my team’s offense runs through me, I’m about to finally be an All-Star. But these cats are fightin’, and I haven’t done nothing yet. Damn, I’m tired. If I hit this guy, I’ll get suspended for awhile and I might not make the All-Star team, and my team might start sinking. But I can’t control my emotionals…SLAPUNCH!” Carmelo must’ve known he was going to get hammered with a susupension, right? He must’ve known the overreactive media were going to condemn him until further notice, right? He had SOO much time to think about it! And the result of all his thought was the loudest love tap ever seen at Madison Square Garden. And representing the Eastern Conference of RetardNation, we have Nate Robinson. I already had a theory saying that Nate Robinson only won the Slam Dunk contest because this decade needed a short champion a la Spud Webb of the 80s and Dee Brown of the 90s. Then Nate goes for a trick dunk in the SECOND QUARTER of a game, in which he traveled, missed the dunk, and got bench (Knicks won by the way). So when Mardy Collins fouled J.R. Smith, Nate goes around and ignites the brawl, then he kept parading around trying to fight somebody. The Knicks have actually looked decent without Nate Robinson in the building, but Isiah Thomas can’t imagine trading him. It would be like Isiah trading himself. (January 07)
-I might as well stay on the topic of dental issues. Nelly and Paul Wall have the video for “Grillz” out. I was talking with my cousin Monica the other day, and I was reminded of something. I’ve already had Grillz once! See back then, we called them braces. I had them for a LONG time, from 1st grade until I turned 13, not lying. I used to break them playing ball and I moved like three times in between that time so that’s the reason I had them that long. But I used to get different colors every month and everything. One day I had silver, then I switched to blue, I even had gold and white bands. They can keep their Grillz, I had braces. (January 06)
-I was looking at some old Michael Jackson videos with the rest of the squad Thursday at Coach’s house, and I remembered something I “demonstrated” to Kyree. Everyone has probably heard of Michael Jackson’s fingerprints allegedly being on some adult magazines. And since August, I’ve worn football gloves on a regular basis. So I took my hand and rubbed it down a glass door. Then I told Kyree that the door had no fingerprints. Bet Michael Jackson wished he kept his glove(s) from the 80’s. (January 05)
-You know what I’d like to get? One of those t-shirts rappers always wear in their videos that always get censored. My shirt has to have the complete digitally altered effects. Look for that to be on some NBA team’s jersey next season. (January 05)
-NASCAR saw a 24% increase in crashes in 2005 compared to 2004. The cars will testify before Congress and are subject to random steroid testing in 2006. (January 06)
-I was taking my final exam for Spanish, and they ask too many questions! Every time I take a Spanish test, it’s all these questions, always putting my personal business out there! And I know Ms. Perez still gets these MADDSKILLZ Updates, this applies to all those Spanish teachers, they want too much information, I swear! (January 07)
-I guess it’s ok to have male enhancement commercials, but where are the MAN enhancement commercials?! (January 08)
-Lawrence Murray claims to write the MADDSKILLZ Update, in part, to keep in contact with people. He needs to realize that keeping in contact with people is overrated! If you always catch a person at a bad time, yet they catch you at no time at all, then what’s the point?! One of his New Year’s Resolutions is to increase his output in order to increase his input. Number one, that doesn’t make any damn sense to me, Lorenzo Anderson. And two, I’d rather just move on from people than try and hold on to them! Lorenzo Anderson has a special message: R.I.P. to everybody I used to know, I’ll never forget you! (January 09)
-Law and Water. You know about me, and you should know about my partner-in-crime Sam “Water” McGuffin, straight out of the manmade town of Gilbert, AZ. Sam and I have been thinking about potential collaborations for several weeks now, and we might actually have something set up where we would write articles that might originate from our service in schools and the community, but could very well branch out there. We have some expansive creativity, and the goal is to get published, with City Year’s approval of course… (January 2010)
-You all know Jon Spradley makes moves. But I make moves too. In fact, my moves are so fast that I’m practically invisible. Maybe that’s why y’all can’t see me! (January 09)
-One of the biggest stories to end the year was the news that Jamie Lynn Spears, Nickelodeon’s 2002 first round draft pick and little sister of popped star Britney, is pregnant. Prepare yourself for Zoey 201! Seriously though, it shouldn’t be that big a deal. I give her credit for accepting responsibility and preparing to raise a child. She’ll be fine just as long as she doesn’t do anything crazy like drive with her kid in the front seat or marry Mickey Avalon. (January 08)
-This will come up more again in next month’s update, so pay attention now. Tony Romo started the season as the Dallas Cowboys little-known, unheralded backup quarterback. He got his chance to start, looked good, might have saved the Cowboys’ season that was going nowhere fast with Drew Bledsoe at quarterback. He makes the Pro Bowl. He then gets linked to such Southern stars as Jessica Simpson (unofficial) and Carrie Underwood (official!). However, his game has suffered in December. The problem? Romo suffers from False Player Reputation. More on this as it develops…or next month. (January 07)
-It was great to play some night football with Deacon, Ethan, Kyle, Colin and all. Kyle and I had some of the oddest chemistry playing at Saint Joe’s…I’d be playing quarterback, all these 5th graders from the area were playing with us (it was like a community service project, only we weren’t trying to be role models that’s what parents are for), and I’d call out some dumb stuff like “biscuits and cornbread” and Kyle would just be like “butter that cornbread TIGHT!” And we’d be all serious about it! And then I throw a 50 yard touchdown to him. It was good…the football. (January 06)
-Wawa=Suburban Corner Store. (January 08)
-I was riding with the Brother Dwight about to pick up his sister DeBreea when we started wondering what the real deal with Santa Claus was. We concluded the following: The wrath of Santa is no joke. First of all, peep Santa’s beard and recognize that he has been growing that out for YEARS. Some men take awhile to get a moustache, while Santa looks in the mirror in the morning with absolutely no regard for being fresh. None whatsoever. Then this dude Santa Claus decides he’s going to chill up at the North Pole all year. I don’t know if you or Matthew Henson realized that there is no land on the North Pole, yet Santa takes up permanent residence. Maybe it’s just a post office box address, I don’t know. And around every November, Santa Claus has all of the malls’ attention. They don’t know what mall Santa will show up, but just in case it happens to be their mall, management is sure to clear out a whole section for him and his wife! Speaking of his wife, you know she loves Santa because he’s home 300 days out the year! But Ms. Claus probably doesn’t know how Santa does on the night before Christmas. First of all, Santa gets up there on his sleigh and makes all the booty calls to the moonlighters – three at a time! And then he descends down the chimneys of married men and has their kids reporting about the time they saw their mom kissing him. You know Joe Jackson must’ve flipped when he heard the Jackson 5 singing that song. Santa strikes fear in households. Who else do you know is so notorious breaking into fools houses that they actually leave him cookies and milk?! And he just plays with children’s emotions. If you’ve been nice all year, he doesn’t even get what you want on his list … just what happens to be in his sack when he comes to your area code. He only takes children’s Christmas lists for his own amusement. And if you’ve been naughty, he takes a piece of coal from the same fireplace he just made love to your mom on and drops it in your stocking. That’s cold. Even the way he treats his reindeer is no laughing matter. I’m not sure how PETA hasn’t started a Christmas campaign about Santa Claus treatment of Rudolph in particular. Have y’all ever seen a reindeer? They’re not bony like Bambi. In fact, if that movie was never made you’d think they’re freakin’ monsters. Yet, Santa rounds them up and makes them battle each other, and the one with the bloodiest nose gets to call himself Rudolph for the night and lead the heavy sleigh. Most importantly though, Santa does WORK. He’s smart, knowing he has to start on the left side of the International Date Line and work his way west, and he gets things done. Damn. Santa Claus is a real boss. (January 2010)
-I’d rather feel good than look good, and I’d rather be cool than look cool. (January 09)
-I sent a notice saying that I’m not sure how much I’d be able to do. This had to end here but my best joke was the Michael one. Now, I think he’s innocent, but he needs to tell those kids to just beat itbefore it becomes a thriller. He needs to stop, because he’s had enough. And it’s not like those kids were named Billie Jean, more like Billy John. But I’ll give him one more chance. After that, though, it will be easy like 123, easy as ABC for accusers. Also, I had the SAT analogy…MTV is to music as KFC is to…And the Kwanzaa sketch I mentioned was very similar to the one Amanda, Kevin, Maria, Ima, Genny, Andrew, Shemeka, Christie, and I was in at Archidona. If anyone has any Spanish E-mails, let me know… (January 04)
MADDSKILLZ Update (January 07)
LAST CALL (January 06) – This one is easy, my homies Matt Cooper and Gerald Nelson, two fellow residents of Binns Hall and Philadelphia. Now they have their own versions of the following account, but here’s mine. I mentioned last month how I was looking forward to taking Greyhound after a sleep deprived on the plane. Man was I wrong. We all planned to leave campus at 5:00PM Thursday two weeks ago, be on the 11PM bus and arrive in Philly 5AM Friday morning. Good plan, only thing is one thing went wrong after another. First it was nasty outside all day long. It was nasty when we all dragged our stuff out to the first bus stop. But we were a half hour early. So we all got rained on. But 5:30 PM came, and we took the bus to a city in between California and Pittsburgh. After another half hour (and Gerald discussing midgets) the bus to Pittsburgh arrives. We get into Pittsburgh, get McDonald’s, and get ready to walk to Gerald’s girlfriend’s college. But you see, he had two bags, one of which was a 50 pound body bag that had lost about 1.5 of its wheels; I had four bags that I couldn’t figure out to manage; Cooper looked halfway normal with three bags. What should have been at most a 20 minute walk was a whole HOUR. I popped my hand, Gerald looked like a fugitive, and M. Cooper was around in between. We got to the place, the Art Institute of Pittsburgh, only to learn that the buses were cancelled because of the freezing rain. We wound up sleeping in Gerald’s girl’s dorm overnight, pissed because we weren’t going to be home anytime soon. We woke up, got to Greyhound’s bus station Friday at 12PM, didn’t get on the bus until 3. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I’ve got to get ready for more church, but I’ll return next month!
MADDSKILLZ Update (January 08)
ONE SHOT (January 08) : I figure I give you all a break from another track from my fake album for now. Now that 2008 is here, I wanted to embrace its presence and also appreciate 2007. I went through a lot in the past year, and I had to make the decision to get my life together. In doing that, I realize that I became distant and introverted (or at least appeared that way), not to mention that my self-imposed ban on AIM upset some people. Everything I did last year, all the steam I blew off, the bubble I formed, was for a reason. In order to be comfortable about the situation(s) I was in, I had to back off trying to be in everybody’s mix, especially if I wasn’t needed or wanted in other people’s involved activities. For the record, I’m NOT leaving California University of PA, even though I fantasized about it all year. I haven’t been happy there most of the past two years for myriad reasons, but many of those reasons aren’t much different from what I had to deal with at Friends’ Central, and I never got upset about being there. Bottom line is that my expectations have to become a little more modest and realistic and my attitude towards certain things has to change. If I were to transfer then the focus would be on leaving Cal U, not going to a new school, so I have to take TJ’s advice and make my current situation better for myself. Of course, I have to do a better job of being around supportive, positive people at school while only holding on to people who should be held on to. I feel good right now, mostly because I’m home. My only goal/resolution in 2008 is to stay focused AND stay positive about things in 2008 and just let things marinate. On a different front, I turn 21 with Elise and Big Dave on Saturday the 5th! Don’t know what they’re doing, but I want to go to New York with whoever wants to take a bus trip with me; so far I’ve only got Rob the Legend with me, and even that is unconfirmed. Of course, just because I’m turning 21 doesn’t mean I’m going to start drinking; some things won’t change. One thing that will change, however, is my screen name. I forgot my old password, which I’m sort of happy about because it gives me a fresh buddy list. My new SN is x1maddskillz. That’s the January 08 MADDSKILLZ Update, Happy New Year!
MADDSKILLZ Update (January 09)
This has been a MADDSKILLZ UPDATE. This has been a MADDSKILLZ UPDATE. This has been a MADDSKILL…
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Yes, the font did change for 05.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. I don’t slow down at 30, I’m just beginning to rock.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. More on this as it develops.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Out of the blue, and into the black.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Free Lawrence Murray!
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Keep laughin’, stay Smilin’.
MADDSKILLZ Update (January 2010)