MADDSKILLZ Update
Best of March
1SKILLZ Management (1maddskillz@gmail.com)
Quote of the Month- “She bang! She bang! Oh baby, when she move, she move! I go crazy…She look like a fly when she sting like a bee, like any girl, in history! She bang! She ban-” William Hung, American Idol (March 04)
Quote of the Month- “Hey Rosa…come smell my knees!!!” Ben Present, at the twins’ house, after spraying axe on his pants (March 05)
Quote of the Month- “Alex was kissing Latino people’s asses. He knew he wasn’t going to play for the Dominicans; he’s not a Dominican! I hate hypocrites: He’s full of s***. The Dominican team doesn’t need his ass. It’s the same with Garciaparra playing for Mexico. Garciaparra only knows Cancun because he went to visit.” –Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen on Alex Rodriguez (and Nomar Garciaparra) concerning the World Baseball Classic (Guillen has since withdrawn his comments, which is rare for him, but for the purpose of me needing a quote I really didn’t take that into account) (March 06)
Quote of the Month- “Better a computer than a douchebag.” Emily Hutzayluk, when I said I wouldn’t be surprised if a computer replaced the Executive Branch before the end of the century. (March 07)
Quote of the Month: “Why can’t you find a NORMAL girl?!” Lacy Gwynn (As usual, she makes a good point) (March 08)
Quote of the Month: “Poseidon, look at me!” T-Pain, The Lonely Island’s “I’m on a Boat”, featured on Saturday Night Live and The Lonely Island’s album Incredibad (March 09)
Quote of the Month: “It has huge ice claws/and frigid hurricane breath/all hail the snow beast” Sam McGuffin, from his new blog TWO-12 (sammcguffin.blogspot.com). Just so everybody knows, this guy from Arizona saw his shadow and wished for six more weeks of winter basically. More on the snow carnage later. (March 2010)
MADDSKILLZ Update (March 04)
First Thoughts (March 07): Good to be with you this month, even though I’m just a tad late getting this MADDSKILLZ Update out. A lot of things happened on the first of March. For starters, I have a new laptop computer, and it’s pretty sweet. My dad has been working real hard and I appreciate having my own computer now. That came on the first, and I’m still not done figuring everything out yet; despite this, I’m writing my first MADDSKILLZ Update from my laptop. It might show up too, especially if you see even more typos than I usually have. Two, I ran into my history teacher from 2006, Dr. Kelton Edmonds, right when I was planning on writing this month’s Update. Cal U was hosting a Hip-Hop Forum, with Kevin Powell being perhaps the most noteworthy of the panelists (he was on the first season of MTV’s The Real World, back in ’92). I said I’d stay 30 minutes. I did, plus 3 more hours. It was a great forum, very enlightening and all, but I have less important things to talk about, which does not include Cal U’s Men’s Basketball Team losing a slippery game to Cheyney University, a move that disappointed especially Johnny Mac who called the game. Awhile back, sometime close to October 05 (RE: check the October 05 MADDSKILLZ Update), I told Emily Berger I was going to cut an album. Well, over a year later, I do not have a new album out. Yet. Yes ladies and gentleman, I have started work on this album, called Self-Titled Album. I think it is an appropriate title. This will be a special mix of my past material and music of all backgrounds. In other words, I’m full of it. Here’s the track list, feel free to comment at will. Take a listen:
1: Outro – The introduction to the LP obviously.
2: Self-Titled Album – The title track.
3: Freestyle 304 – Actually my freestyle at the end of the March 04 MADDSKILLZ Update from Season 1.
4: Love For My Haters! – An appreciation track.
5: Freestyle 805 – Actually my freestyle at the end of the August 05 MADDSKILLZ Update, featuring the boy Zeke.
6: Title Track – This would have been the title track.
7: Soul Chix – Does anyone remember me talking about the Soul Chix?
8: Freestyle 606 – Actually my freestyle from the June 06 MADDSKILLZ Update.
9: Aey – My take on Young Jeezy’s catchphrase, Gerald knows what I’m talking about.
10: The Rhythm – Something African for you to fall to sleep on.
11: Kicrox – A cracking track, it’s hard.
12: Crazy River – My cover from Robbie Robertson’s single from 1988.
13: False Player Reputation (Skit) – The original commercial.
14: Themesong (Parenthesis) – This better become someone’s theme song, straight up. All lyrics are in parenthesis.
15: Angels – My version of the Black Crowes single from 1991.
16: This Is Featuring Me – I don’t know what this is about, but I’m in it apparently.
17: I’m Not The One – This is a good breakup song, because we all know I’ve been through a lot of those through the years.
18: Start With 1 – A DJ counting song, J-Kwon would be proud.
19: Censored Stars – My alternative crap.
20: Intro – The last track on the LP, obviously.
Well there you have it. Self-Titled Album, quite possibly the biggest waste of an hour since Season 3 of the MADDSKILLZ Update. Let me know what my first single should be, in the meantime, let me get to updating.
MADDSKILLZ Update (March 05)
FIRST THOUGHTS (March 09): We’ve had Obese Tuesday and Ashy Wednesday this week, and now the MADDSKILLZ Update comes to you live from Spring Broke 2009. That’s right, Spring Broke! While everybody is on a boat with T-Pain, I’m stuck in CA,PA for Spring Broke as I prepare to finish my masterpiece of a thesis (you know, so I can graduate)! Normally I would not have a problem with sticking around for break, with no classes to worry about; except Cal U really screwed up Spring Broke this year. For one, spring break has always been a little too early (a week before spring actually starts on March 20-something), but it at least made sense in the schedule because there would be eight weeks of classes, then break, then eight more weeks and the end. So how did the school just straight up forget that this year?! There should be class this week coming up, and THEN a week off! For all of those who say “so what, you get off a week early and those classes do not have to be made up,” just keep in mind that tuition is still the same, as is the workload. This past week I had to take four exams and a quiz, write a seven page paper (on Street Fighter II, but it was still seven pages), and do a 25 minute group presentation. That work could have all been spread out over two weeks! And two – this is a bit of a reiteration but it must be made – it’s nowhere close to spring! Why are we calling this week spring break when spring is still 20 days away?! The dursty groundhog saw his damn shadow this year, and even if he didn’t, it’s still a dursty groundhog; spring is not here as soon as the calendar hits March! There needs to be a new name for spring break. Darija told me that Canada calls this week “Reading Week,” but unless you’re reading the MADDSKILLZ Update, no one is reading, so that will not work. I suggest it be called “Semester Intermission.” Either way you look at it though, I’m still on Spring Broke, and the only thing I have motivating me is proving that I’m a better procrastinator than Merissa. Since I’m the Master Procrastinator, I’ll get around to that sometime this week I’m sure!
MADDSKILLZ Update (March 06)
-I was with Michael on the corner of Broad and Cecil B. Moore as we heard some gangsta tunes blasting. No biggie …except, we both looked up and saw a funeral procession going north on Broad Street. What we saw next set society back to about 1995: the car making all that noise was part of the funeral car line, with these 30 inch rims! There’s grieving, and then there’s riding out in the sunset. I guess dude’s horn didn’t work or something. Seriously though … that must have been the DEEPEST funeral ever. Like, six feet deep. Ok let me stop and put this story to rest … rest in peace. Damn. (March 2010)
-False Player Reputation does not apply to me. Just to clear that up…I have no reputation, and if I was a player, I would hate myself… (March 04)
-Had another Drama showcase this past month. It was based on the House of Un-American Activities Committee’s investigation of Hollywood personalities (for the most part) in the late forties and fifties, and it was titled Are You Now, Or Have You Ever Been…? It was in reference to the question, Are you now, or have you ever been a Communist. I played Hollywood Ten director Edward Dmytryk (Just look him up). Of course you could make a play with a similar question towards the baseball world today. The question is: Are you now, or have you ever been on steroids? (March 05)
-Now check this out, Bettis decide to retire after winning the Super Bowl. So Pittsburgh needs a power back to replace him. They don’t need to go far to replace him though, there are plenty of women on this here campus that look and probably run like The Bus…oh wait a minute…no I’m going to leave it as it is, it’s the MADDSKILLZ Update. (March 06)
-I was talking to my friend Carla, and realized that people change, and people evolve. The only difference is that evolution is time-based. When people change, they do it regardless of time. Evolution is a natural process… (March 08)
-Etta James vs. Beyoncé, Pay-per-view… At Last! (March 09)
-There is nothing wrong with taking things too serious. Conflicts arise when people take things too personal… (March 08)
-Now for another MADDSKILLZ Education time: I was talking to my friend Heather one day, and a word came out that I’ve never used before, or heard before, quite possibly because it isn’t a real word. The word in focus is: “perspectify”! It is a verb which means to form a perspective about a given subject or to give one’s perspective, whichever one works best for you. Example: You should perspectify about why ice cream is soft, ice is hard, and cream is sour. I think it’s a slamming verb, and if you ever use it credit me afterwards so that you won’t look crazy. (March 07)
-So Destiny’s Child (the all-star, the role player, and the other girl that can’t walk right) sang the National Anthem at the All-Star Game in Houston. First of all, how many mini-reunions are they going to have? Second, and this is unrelated to Destiny’s Child but I thought of it while watching them: I swear people forget the lyrics to the National Anthem while they are singing it, and they just hold the notes out long enough to remember them again. Think about it…why can’t someone just sing the damn song straight up? Because they’d forget something, that’s why. (March 06)
-There’s a new movie coming out next year, it’s called My Cheating Heart: How I Really Passed Seventh Grade… (March 05)
-LAUNCH reported that Kanye West has been offered to pose for Playgirl after he reportedly said that he should be paid for every magazine cover he’s on. West has yet to respond to the offer-I guess he’s still trying to see if “Jesus Walks” or if it “All Falls Down”. (March 05)
-I wouldn’t be surprised if Gillette merged with iTunes to create an iPod razor…it would hold 5,000 songs. (March 06)
-Los Angeles Clippers guard Shaun Livingston recently suffered the nastiest injury caught on live film this side of Joe Theismann when he dislocated his kneecap, tore all three ligaments in his left knee (ACL, MCL, PCL), and other gruesome injuries. It is career-threatening and I don’t expect him to come back until 2009, if at all. The bigger issue here is that I’ve been hearing a lot of NBA media heads talking about how he would be more developed and whatnot if he went to Duke or wherever. Yes, Livingston is incredibly frail, and he has been injured before this catastrophe. And at the time of his injury, he was still learning how to play point guard. This injury magnifies the reason he went straight to the NBA after high school. It’s about getting paid. Whether or not Livingston makes it back, he is operating off of the salary that is being reaped from his fourth overall selection in the 2004 NBA Draft. If he suffered this same injury in college, would he be thinking about the popular college backup plan? Of course. He would also be less secure financially more than likely. So Shaun Livingston is obviously unlucky to have suffered this injury, but he is feeling good about his decision to skip college for now. (March 07)
-Another sports issue (I promise, one of these updates I will tone down my sports writing material for those who can’t follow me on it): I was watching the hockey fight that broke out between the Washington Senators and the Buffalo Sabres. This brawl involved just about everybody on the ice it seemed like. Yet the only sanction was that one of the coaches got fined. Yet in the NBA, if you SWING at someone, you are suspended. Why? Well, in the NHL, they hit each other so hard on LEGAL plays that it’s irrational to think that cool heads will prevail for an entire game. But the NBA, compared to the NHL, is a lukewarm contact sport. I’m not going to lie, basketball players are soft, and I can say that as a basketball player with a reputation for sticky and physical defense. Hockey is recognized for these fights, basketball is recognized by offensive output more than anything else. People who play tough defense on the streets risk getting into fights on the ball court. And any fight in the hood can take nasty spills, which is why fighting is prohibited in the NBA. NBA players would end each other’s careers if they were allowed to fight like NHL players do, trust me. (March 07)
-Actually, that pay-per-view matchup is just the undercard to the main event: Chris Brown vs. Jay-Z! Now, this would have been the perfect time for a Fun with Lyrics segment, featuring Chris Brown. For those longing for that recurring segment, refer to Donovan Moore. I have plenty to say about the situation involving Chris Brown and Rihanna on my own though! For one, Chris Brown is a man, and that’s it! I usually do not get biblical in the MADDSKILLZ Update, but Romans 3:23 says that, “For all have sinned, all fall short of God’s glorious standard.” In laymen’s terms, all of us have (and will) screw up. So why are we so damn shocked and surprised that Chris Brown beat his equally famous girlfriend, as if celebrity domestic violence doesn’t exist?!? Just because Chris Brown sings on some high-culture level, it doesn’t mean he’s incapable of some darkness. In fact, when I heard about it, my first reaction wasn’t “oh my stars, what in the name of Ludacris happened to Chris Brown?!” It was “First Ike and Tina, then Bobby and Whitney, and now Chris and Rihanna.” The main difference, of course, is that we KNEW Ike Turner and Bobby Brown had a little “wild and crazy” in them. Chris’ problem is that he’s too clean! That’s why his music is currently off the radio! People aren’t used to a violent Chris Brown. Likewise, they held his relationship with Rihanna to idealistic standards that were doomed to be a disappointment. Of course, it didn’t have to turn to such drastic measures. And what Chris Brown did to Rihanna is quite drastic and it puts both of them under the microscope for the duration of the relationship; in Chris Brown’s case, possibly the duration of his career. Nobody had a clue that he had it in him, and now he has drawn the negative attention of reformed pimp Jay-Z (who “discovered” Rihanna some five years ago)! This will be an interesting pay-per-view! But I doubt it ends happily ever after. (March 09)
-I’d rather be who I am than wish I was somebody else… (March 2010)
-Still outraged over USA Today’s price increase, I haven’t bought my former favorite paper since September (website is better anyway). I recently saw a USA Today commercial this month. Never knew they made them…so that’s what the extra quarter was for. (March 05)
-I have a theory that I teased during 1SKILLZ-FM #17: The Internet is ruining the world. Rather, technology in general is ruining the world. Hear me out: Last month I joked that communication skills would naturally decline because we text all the time instead of talking to each other. Well, I’ve been taking journalism classes since 2008 (I know it doesn’t show in the MADDSKILLZ Update) and there are constant reminders that newspapers are becoming irrelevant and might even disappear in the near future! Why is this? The Internet! Those of you who have read the MADDSKILLZ Update for over five years might remember how mad I was over USA Today’s decision to add a quarter on their newsstand price. I went from looking forward to paying 50 cents on a USA Today (since it was more colorful and more nationally focused than the 60 cent Philadelphia Daily News) to refusing to buy a 75 cent USA Today and being content with checking the website every day (which I still do). It’s great that all of the news is available online; but because it IS available online, it’s impractical to pay for a hard copy! It’s the same thing with the music industry. Who buys albums anymore?! The last full album I bought was LL Cool J’s Bigger and Deffer, and I only bought it in 2005 because I needed “I Need Love” for a performance. If there was a CD library, I would have used my library card! Now I get all of my music online (except the music I make myself of course)! And I’m better than a lot of folks; at least I still buy some of my music off of iTunes. I would hate to be trying to sell my album today. I connected this idea to how I do my shopping. I don’t go to the mall for anything; I shop for everything online! If I could do grocery shopping online, I would. (RE: look for Amazon: Supermarket Edition to be released sometime in 2014). In a bad economy, people aren’t spending money on stuff they don’t need. And the fact of the matter is, advances in technology have made life easier on us – and therefore, we don’t have to buy crap we don’t need any more. But maybe you are saying to yourself, “I don’t have a computer, or money to throw around on these advances in technology!” In that case, technology, and the way the world has taken off and ran with it, has screwed you over! If you don’t have a computer (and you’re not Amish), you’re probably screwed for being behind in life. It’s 2009, and it is literally amazing to look at what we have now compared to 10-15 years ago. However, while we showcase the progress we have made in science and technology, we don’t always look at the big picture. The availability for the greatest tools of recent technology are only accessible to a few, and the breakthroughs in science have limited utility. In other words, the great majority of people are cut off by the assumption that we’re all ready to break off from the old way of doing things. Need proof, look at the job market! There are some jobs that just straight up don’t need humans anymore – computers are good enough! And if they do need active manpower, then they don’t need as many. Technology in the big world makes things highly efficient. It also means you’re probably getting laid off when money gets tight (you know, because people don’t have much of it and aren’t spending much of it). Just wait until we get those Jetson style robots up and running! You know it’s coming! (March 09)
-You know… every time I see those Double Stuf (pronounced “STOOF” to me) Oreos commercials featuring Eli and Peyton Manning versus Serena and Venus Williams, all I can think about is Colonel Angus… (March 09)
-You know, back in the early 90s, I remember when a midnight snack was actually somewhere around midnight. Now, midnight snacks might as well be called breakfast. (March 07)
-A picture of childhood: “Hey mom, what is this on my plate?” “It’s garnish!” “What’s it here for?” “To decorate the food!” “But can I eat it?” “It’s there to make everything look nice!” “BUT CAN I EAT IT?” “No, you can’t, it’s not meant for you to eat!” “THEN WHAT THE HELL IS IT DOING ON MY PLATE?!?WHY CAN’T THE FOOD LOOK GOOD BY ITSELF?! WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE FOOD IF I CAN’T EAT IT, ARE YOU TRYING TO TEST MY ALLERGIES?!?” (March 09)
-Potentially Overheard: “Hey what’s up, how are you doing? Wait, never mind, don’t tell me, I have to keep walking!” (March 09)
-And finally, I need to get back to the stage. I’ve been ready to do stand-up since I got back to Philly. When I find a venue, I’ll just introduce a screenplay called Soul Chix. Those “strong, independent” women that would beat the hell out of someone, but they use God as their restraining order. Soul Chix…they have just enough strength to get through the day and cuss somebody out. Soul Chix…keeping it real while being as fake as Beverly Hills. Soul Chix…It’s hard to describe, but I’d have a lot of fun acting it out. (March 06)
-It’s Spring Broke, which is a perfect time to visit RetardNation! These two stories are tied together, and all have standard residence in RetardNation. First there is the chimpanzee story. This woman kept a 200 pound chimp named Travis since 1995, and when her husband died in 2004, all she had was Travis. Now, we get caught up in what I like to call “The Disney effect.” This is when we don’t realize the dangers behind the cuteness. Chimps are seen as borderline human, and they smile all the damn time. But when they smile, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re happy to see you. It means they have teeth dammit! But back to Travis. He was involved in two other incidents prior to this year, but apparently this woman didn’t take the hint that maybe having a chimpanzee as a pet wasn’t a great idea. And the day that Travis destroyed the woman’s friend’s face, he had been fed Xanax, a HUMAN prescription drug! This was bad enough, but because the actions of RetardNation are contagious, the New York Post decided to make a social commentary in the form of a political cartoon. The cartoon depicted two white police officers shooting a chimpanzee and saying that someone else will have to write the next stimulus bill. Now, you could argue that the chimpanzee was meant to represent Nancy Pelosi or the legislators who wrote up the bill, or that George W. Bush was portrayed as a chimpanzee multiple times throughout his presidency. Even if those were the cases, it does not make it any less retarded because you are dealing with assassination! And the fact that it is much easier to see the connection to Barack Obama (who just so happens to be black AND the President who signed the damn bill) should have caught the attention of the New York Post’s editors! But such moral decisions are seldom made in RetardNation. (March 09)
-And finally, Godot finally showed up. He was rude and was asked to leave. (March 05)
MADDSKILLZ Update (March 07)
And the Last Word… (March 04)
I have a story to end on. Today was Spring sports sign-up day, and this story starts at the end of last year’s basketball season. My JV team won the championship, but I lost my jersey. Now, you either pay 50 bucks for the jersey or else. But I had a plan. The plan was to not tell my parents I had lost a fifty dollar jersey and work it off. But in order to work it off, I had to do dirty work in the equipment room during my would-be PE block. So I had to do something, and that something was Track. But I didn’t want to run track because I had a knee injury I wanted to rest, and so I managed the track team. This was funny as hell. People thought I was just hanging out, but I actually managed the team for a month. Until I got in trouble for “skipping” PE. Apparently, you have to do PE even if you manage. Now, Lacrosse wanted me, Track wanted me, I was the track manager, or I could quit everything and go home (and do PE). So I decided to manage and run at the same time! No PE, and I finished off working my jersey off. I wound up getting two varsity credits (managing and running track), even though I only ran in two RACES (not meets, races). I was impressive enough to get a credit, so now…I told Dwight to sign me up for track and I’m going AWOL this week!
Don’t Get Crazy Over The Break, And Enjoy March
This Update’s over And OUT
MADDSKILLZ Update (March 08)
ONE SHOT (March 09): Since I’ll be by myself for most of Spring Broke, I’ll have plenty of time to think about my future. To give you a perspective of time, just know that two months ago was the first day of 2009, and that in two months I’ll be graduating (allegedly). I’m halfway through my last semester, and I’m not any happier or more excited about graduation. Nor am I ready to leave college, even though I’ve been ready to leave Cal U since 2007. I guess you could best describe my current feelings about my lame duck semester as “indifference.” I also have a future to contemplate, since everyone wants to know what I’m doing with myself post-graduation. The reality is that I’ll be 22 years old. In the college sense of things, that’s old. In the big world sense of things, that’s quite young. So I feel inclined to be careful and take my time with my next step. But since this is the MADDSKILLZ Update, we can look into the future a little bit and figure out what I might be up to in 2010:
A. I have 4 years of NCAA-eligibility remaining, so I could be playing wide receiver or point guard at some D-III school while simultaneously working on my masters…
B. … moved to Phoenix to work for The Arizona Republic…
C. In New York working for Saturday Night Live’s research department…
D. Running a professional kickball league in Charlotte…
E. On the road playing bass with the FAMED Posse…
F. …making commercials about the dangers of not having a car in Detroit…
G. Starting Building 5 fires at The Vulcanage with Mandy…
H. Teaching media awareness to unsuspecting middle schoolers in Washington, D.C. …
I. At Temple with my brother, working as a graduate assistant while moonlighting as an anonymous DJMC…
J. …Married with triplets that I can claim as dependents on my taxes? Nahhhhh… maybe in 2015 though…???
MADDSKILLZ Update (March 09)
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Can You See it Now? Oh well, It’s 8 font. Maybe your friend wearing the rec-specs can.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Esto ha sido un MADDSKILLZ Update.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. For the color blind.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Never met a wise man…if so, it’s a woman.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. My philosophy promises to perplex.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Now circulating in all 57 states!
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Gnarly.
MADDSKILLZ Update (March 2010)