(Obligatory Charlie Sheen Article)

(Charlie Sheen hosted SNL in January 2001.  This question was asked during the monologue): “I enjoy your father’s work on the TV show “West Wing”. Do you think you’d like to play the part of the president someday?

Charlie Sheen: Thank you for the question, but I could never be the president.. I mean, think about it – I’ve abused cocaine, I’ve been arrested, I’m not a very smart guy.. I mean, it’s a big joke to think people would want someone like me, just because his dad was president…”

Ah, March.  Comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb.  Or, in this case, comes in like the tiger blood that is Charlie Sheen.  This business about Charlie Sheen (Charlie Sheen?!?!!?!) is getting ridiculous.  Seriously, Kanye West would be “So Appalled” by the attention that Charlie Sheen is getting for being an incessant cycle of porn stars and coke (look, Charlie gets the drugs because of the women, and the women stick around because he gets them drugs).  If I was Catholic, I would be giving up Charlie Sheen for Lent.

No comment on Mardi Gras survivors of "Charlie Sheen".

I think what people are overlooking is this: Charlie Sheen is going to die.  Possibly before 2020.  And Charlie knows it!  Charlie Sheen is talking about winning here on Earth and winning again there in death (bi-winning?) because he knows he is setting himself up for a demise Heath Ledger would be proud of and Robert Downey, Jr. (circa 2001) wish he could have conjured up.

Instead, Downey, y'know, got his life back together. LOSERS!

Plus, it appears that Charlie Sheen is being cheap with his victories.  Charlie Sheen FTW?  More like WTF Charlie Sheen!  In other words, he is losing to win!  How are you going to claim victory because you had to recover from OD?!  Charlie, you went to the hospital; 1SKILLZ has yet to go to the hospital! (1SKILLZ 1, Charlie Sheen 0) How are you going to get fired from your own show?!  1SKILLZ is on that Jay-Z tip (“I won’t get dropped, I drop the label”), that’s why you are reading The NU now!  (1SKILLZ infinity, Charlie Sheen not even in the game anymore) And I don’t want to hear another word about Charlie Sheen’s tiger blood or Adonis DNA.  The last man to channel that much power from tigers wound up with an eyepatch and chest scar from a Japanese fighter over a foot shorter and 100 pounds lighter named Ryu.

Okay, I’m done beating up on Sagat, er, Charlie Sheen.  Quickly, on to other topics in The NU:

-I’ve been called out a few times for my reluctance to write about one of Charlie Sheen’s favorite topics, women.  I tweeted that I got bored before writing a scheduled post on the qualities of beautiful women.  That post is coming.  Sometime in 2011.  Maybe.

-I will mention, briefly, that I was consulted about interracial dating/relationships (not exactly in those nominal terms).  This may need it’s own article!  But, in a nutshell, interracial dating is a beautiful thing (as long as, you know, Charlie Sheen isn’t threatening somebody).  If someone wants to date outside their race, they should!  Now, I would be swollen if someone decided to date exclusive to their race (i.e., black men refusing to date black women under any circumstances), but even then, it’s their prerogative, right?  Ah, we’ll see if this blurb gets enough attention that an article has to be written.

-The NFL has locked out its players.  Cash Rules.  If this lasts into the regular season, I should get my 2006 body (pre-quad injury) and see if I can get a cheap spot as a slot WR!

-It’s March, but I’m not really that mad.  However, if it weren’t for the

"Quick! The Miami Heat are crying in the locker room! Call the fire department and the Waaaah!-ambulance!"

conveniently placed Los Angeles Lakers, what are the chances the Miami Heat would be filling out brackets just to ensure someone got a win?

–“Do You Smell what Stone Cold said so…?”

-I had to lead another lesson for Stevenson After School Heroes, this time on “Freedom of Speech”.  No, I didn’t reach for chairs to describe the first amendment of the U.S. Constitution.  I did, however, perform a track from my 2008 “comedy” album Self-Titled Album called “Censored Stars”.  Quote after I was done: “Mister, you’re not going to Hollywood.”  Mission accomplished!

-My friend Lacy visited LA for a week, which was pretty cool.  I never got to host friends in college, and I think the best part of her crashing here for her spring break was how me showing her the basics of getting around was almost a carbon copy of my first 15 hours in LA.  Without this result of course.  (RE: I got my refund check!  Case closed!!!)

-Daylight Savings Time begins this weekend, but nighttime spending will continue to be upheld.

Regulate.

-I didn’t write a single Black History Month post, or even refer to it one time in the entire month of February.  The blasphemy!  I’ll say this.  Black History Month is good for all of you who can only expend enough energy to spew facts for 28 days (shout out to all the Leap Year babies by the way, 1SKILLZ didn’t forget you this year)!  The homie Carter G. Woodson “continued to express hope that Negro History Week would outlive its usefulness”.  That’s right, Carter G. (much more significant than Warren G) didn’t even ask for a whole month!  Just one week so that Black History didn’t get ignored!  Boom, there’s your black history fact.  Now do what I do, and spread Black History across the calendar, instead of waiting on February overload!

-That being said, this month is Irish-American Heritage Month (St. Patrick’s Day), Women’s History Month (not Men’s Herstory), American Red Cross Month, National Frozen Foods Month, National Talk With Your Teen About Sex Month… do what you will with that.

Finally, in lieu of the natural disaster in Japan: the earth is seriously spinning out of control.  Damn earthquake.  Damn tsunami.  Damn Pacific Ocean hellhole.  Count your blessings tonight and every night!

-1SKILLZ