Funemployment time is ending… (Or, How I became a Starbucks Barista)

Judging by my recent spam:real human comment ratio, not a whole lot of people are feeling my old posts recently on The NU.  As usual, this is my fault entirely.  I haven’t been giving up new material recently, and there are myriad reasons for this.  But the main reason for my “inactivity” has been what I termed as my “summer job” in an article that none of you read: Funemployment at its finest.

Or, as it's known in America, free doom. Shoutout to Gil Scott-Heron.

Some background is needed, I see.  I served America the last two years with City Year.  But you know that already.  Graduating from City Year for a second time will always be one of my greatest accomplishments.  Not being able to stay with the organization in LA?  One of my greatest disappointments.  In other words, I have a great past to look back on, but it isn’t a part of my present and it will not define my future.  So as July hit, I had to start rebuilding my life like post-Civil War America, or the Detroit Lions since 1957.

Maybe this year, if Stafford stays healthy and the defensive line doesn't let QBs torch their back 7...

(At this time, The NU would like to inform you that this post is not about Starbucks.  But you’re this far already, so there may be a treat for you by the end of this article)

PART I

I spent July 4th celebrating my one-year mark in the City of Angels (and, my one year anniversary since my last run-in with the law) by going to Santa Monica to say bye to my favorite German Katharina and preparing for my first summer interview with LA Sports Marketing.  I had no idea how I applied to a job in Sherman Oaks, which is a nice town but hella far.  I also was wondering why I had a bad feeling about this job, being that I didn’t even bother to submit a cover letter for a job that involved sales and marketing.  Nonetheless, I was ready to take two buses and a train to get there – until I saw this:

"We have clients with every team in LA! Except the Lakers!" ... and every other team in LA.

I still went on the interview because, well, I don’t mind some extra practice.  I knew they had some shady business going on when I walked in there and they didn’t have any artwork up or anything!  Total creep zone too.  I didn’t even get a call back from them!  Needless to say, this experience was a FAIL.

PART II

By time I got home from visiting Daisy in North Hollywood, I got lucky and connected with three new Americorps members who, if everything goes the way it is supposed to, will be my new roommates in August.  Which also means I’d keep my place in B-Heights.  Nice deal there.  It almost absolves me of my next escapade, this time with Aflac.

Or, the company that fired this guy. Something about finding out that he was the voice of a parrot in a Disney movie.

Now, some dude in Torrance (RE: FAR) e-mailed me out of the blue about an “outside sales opportunity”.  I politely e-mailed him back and said in certain terms that I was not interested in traveling 20 miles to talk about sales, but that he could e-mail me if he found something more, um, relevant to me.  So days later, I got an e-mail from an Aflac in Burbank about a “business consultant” position.  Awesome!  I bit hard on that piece of ambiguity, and agreed to interview.  Of course, I did a little research on the position, and saw that it was another 100% commission, no benefits, capitalists’ dream job.  I still did the interview, but not with the intention of taking a job.  I just wanted to know how an interview with an insurance company was going to go.

Shown: The role of a business consultant.

The best part of this interview was seeing six people invited into the room by the dude, and not even 15 minutes into his presentation, this white guy asks, “So you mean there is no salary and no benefits?  I thought you said on average we would get paid $55,000 a year?!”  The thing is, that is EXACTLY what the e-mail said.  But there is no salary.  You make what you earn, as the sales coordinator was so kind to point out.  At that time, he and two middle-aged black ladies invited themselves out the door, leaving myself, this young woman and a very interested older gentleman.  I didn’t say a word during the group interview.  When we left the building, the woman said to us, “I hope one of you gets the job!”  I said, “It’s his job if he wants it!”  He said, “Someone’s got to do it!”  They called back the next morning to invite me for a second interview, and I politely declined.  It wasn’t a scam, but needless to say, that was pretty BAD.

PART III

I didn’t feel too bad about the Aflac fiasco because the same day I declined the second interview I had lined up an interview with Pioneer Events & Marketing for a brand marketing position.  Now, on levels of shadiness, it was pretty close to LA Sports Marketing.  I mean, just look at their website.  I thought it looked like crap, but that’s what I could come in and fix, right?  The interview was in Culver City, which was still hella far, but more of a straight shot from where I lived than Burbank or Sherman Oaks so it was cool.  The first interview was a screen, but I didn’t find any blatant lies in what they did like LA Sports Marketing so I played it straight.  This was the first interview that I started using my “City Year offense” (I must have said the word “flexibility” enough to audition to replace Eddie Murphy as Gumby), and I was invited that night for a second interview the next day!  It was to be a field interview in a place to be determined that morning.  I was so excited that I had to kill my excitement.  Which I did when I found this:

Seriously, why don't I have a scam blog?! Because The NU is a SELECTIVE public service website, that's why.

I got a call in the morning telling me to show up in a polo shirt and come to the Costco in Hawthorne.  I had gotten really good at putting a tie on by this point (RE: I no longer needed a YouTube video), but I was happy to give the suit a break for a day as I got on a bus and the Green Line to get to Hawthorne.  Again, HELLA far.  I also had to call a dude named “D.C.”  I knew I wasn’t going to stress the second interview too much when I wasn’t even given a contact person’s full name.  I also was on my alert about specifically, “having to lie to people about cheap/unnecessary products” and “working crazy hours”.  I met the guy at Costco, and after some small talk (he mentioned that not many people get invited for a second interview and that I was doing something right), I was to observe him to see if I would be a good fit for Pioneer.  He was pushing popcorn chips while giving me the five steps to a conversation (Short version: Icebreaker, Elevator Speech, Product in Hand/Lipstick the Pig/Go High-Low, Close the Deal, REHASH – Remember, Everyone Has Another Sale Hitting).  See, I pay attention.  More or less, he was a salesman.

"A little bit of cheddar makes it all better!"

Once I was done observing him push these samples in the Costco, he sat me down outside the market to talk about the position.  He scribbled out the numbers and opportunities for growth, and I saw that the goal is to get rich (and have your new business posted on a scam blog).  That was intriguing, but I was not about to work from 7AM until 9PM for a commission only position.  I had better things to do… like catch the next Green Line leaving Redondo Beach and contemplate hitting up that temp agency a week earlier than expected.  I had a job offer, but I turned it down; needless to say I was at a CROSSROADS.

PART IV

Quick flashback -> Last summer, I had pretty much lived at Starbucks.  I didn’t have Internet running at the place yet, and I had to do a lot of NFLTouchdown work.  I even gave them a shoutout last summer because they let me finish my Patriots season preview!  I don’t drink coffee at all, but I love Starbucks, always have.  My mentor Leon McClain worked there, and when I was suggested to find a part time job as I’m waiting for HR departments to get back to my scattershot resume, I immediately thought about Starbucks.  But, I had given up on them by time I left Costco.  Which only meant that I had to check my e-mail -> I was invited to a hiring fair!

The takeover, the break's over

And to add some suspense to this article, it will end here.  I already told you, this isn’t about Starbucks!  It’s about funemployment coming to an end.  I start work Tuesday.  But my good dad always said, “When you can’t get a job there’s nothing, but everyone starts calling when you get a job.”  And so you already know that I got two phone calls less than four hours after being offered a job.  Annoying.  There is still plenty of adventure left in the wacko month that is July, so stay tuned to 1SKILLZ-NetworksUnited!

…Oh, you wanted a treat.  Drop a comment and we can negotiate.  I’m a restricted free agent now.

-1SKILLZ