MADDSKILLZ Update
Best of Season 2 (2004-2005)
1SKILLZ Management (1maddskillz@gmail.com)
MADDSKILLZ Update (September 04)
Quote of the Month- “I have Sex next…Sex is easy, Sex is fun…Then I’m free the rest of the day…” Kyree Brown, discussing how his schedule for the rest of the day included his Sex and Society class and free blocks the rest of the day (October 04)
MADDSKILLZ Update (October 04)
FIRST THOUGHTS (December 04) – Just two and a half weeks until winter break. Just 5 weeks from my birthday. This is the last MADDSKILLZ Update of the year. Which means nothing, really. There will be a January 05 update, it’s just that I’m not doing any “Special” updates later this month. That means no Christmas update, where I would just be like “Black Santas must come from the South Pole” or something like that. And no Hanukkah update, or however this generation spells it. And no Kwanzaa update. I would have to explain how Ujaama isn’t a freestyle battle. And no Ramadan update. That wouldn’t even make sense in December!! But there is this update, so whatever you do this month, have fun and be safe.
MADDSKILLZ Update (November 04)
– (April 05) You know, this time last month I thought the Chris Webber trade would matter, and that the Heat should be aware of the Sixers future push through the East. Well, I was wrong on that one. The Sixers are A.I.’s team, and they will live and die through him…which means the C-Webb trade didn’t change anything. As for the Heat…how the hell do you lose to Charlotte?!?!?! I mean, Nelly owns that team! And speaking of chart-topping wanna-be owners, it’s probably not a good idea to have them on your squad. The Charlotte Bobcats are a bad expansion team, the Cleveland Cavaliers have ruined a great start since Usher became minority owner-what’s next, 50 Cent hooks up with the Knicks and everyone starts shooting and missing?
– (December 04) …I know this isn’t news either (the November 04 update was the day before Election Day), but I knew Bush was beating Kerry. I wanted Kerry to win, but I was being real when I said I couldn’t see him getting the victory. Anyone who was pro-Kerry was more anti-Bush, and anyone who was anti-Kerry was more pro-Bush. The bottom line? BUSH is bigger than Kerry.
MADDSKILLZ Update (December 04)
– (October 04) Memo to Justin (of the still famed posse): I’ll give you a dollar for every dunk you have this season. I’m saying it now so you can get some bunnies before the season starts.
– (March 05) Justin dunked ladies and gentleman. Just once, but then again that tied Kyree for the team lead. So it means that I owe him five dollars for getting that one dunk, and since I only scored 25 points the whole season with no dunks, I’m in no position to renegotiate. I should point out that Justin dunked two weeks ago, and he hasn’t been paid since. I haven’t forgotten, business is just slow. Which is why I have started working on my “Get-my-life-together budget”.
MADDSKILLZ Update (January 05)
– (February 05) … to end Skill demonstration Month, I did a rather camouflaged stand-up at January Bell Rock (camouflaged because I had the “Still D.R.E.” demo track in the background and I played it as if I was introducing THRILLER). Now, you may have seen my jabs at our beloved Student Council for my desire to turn an assembly inside out, but with my stand-up, it was my show (at least until Tom and Zack processed dairy products during their infamous milk chugging contest). So to recap for my friend Nappy Gilmore in Detroit: News/Deon Mason (reports in riots, reports in mudslides, reports during Hurricane Kwame), The Black Crash Test Dummy, and the horror movie on the set of Lower Merion starring Black actors (i.e., there would be no movie past five minutes). By the way,this was just a performance…I know that the first Crash Test Dummy wasn’t Black…it was probably gray or something.
MADDSKILLZ Update (February 05)
– (December 04) …the squad opened the season by jumping out at Chestnut Hill Academy by 25 points before they scored at all, and we won by about the same total (I had 7). We celebrated by jumping into the bleachers and attacking all of the FCS community in attendance.
– (March 05) One thing no one should forget from this month’s assemblies: you will never see that many basketball players on stage at one time ever again. Especially with all that be-boppin boastin bossin alliteration breathing upon what’s big bad and beautiful brotherman.
MADDSKILLZ Update (March 05)
– (February 05) If anyone remembers the slow week back from winter break, they’ll see how this suggestion came about: what if school opened 4 hours late the first day back, and scaled back an hour as the first week went on, so that school starts normal time by the end of the week? I like to call it Gradual Break Countdown…I thought about it while daydreaming in History for five days straight.
– (April 05) They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Well, we started with 50 Cent firing (and then re-hiring) the Game from G-Unit for not taking 50’s side against Jadakiss and Fat Joe (with some nasty comments and posses getting shot at in-between) just when 50’s The Massacre hit the shelves. We ended with T.I. fighting Lil’ Flip in Houston, a clear battle of King of the South. They used fists instead of guns, which is why you didn’t hear about it.
MADDSKILLZ Update (April 05)
– (June 05) Ladies and gentleman, it is now time for TRACK PROPS. TRACK PROPS is part of the RUNBUNT (RUN by us, never that) branch of FUBU. This edition of TRACK PROPS features distance squad and league champs. We do work. Captain Zack (rumored to be teaming with the One with the Skillz to form a soon-to-be notorious counselor squad, get ready Trailblazer camp) broke the 800m record at league champs and won a lot of other stuff. Rob (of the original famed posse), did work. Me, I finally broke 5 minutes in the mile (4:52). Farrar…he blew out his hamstring, arguably costing the squad the ‘chip. But he did work all season, which is why he is featured in TRACK PROPS. Girls squad…they did work. They just didn’t win the ‘chip. Phil…he jumps high. Alfred and Justin…they throw high. Me and Dwight…we sounded high during that freestyle. But it was still hot. TRACK PROPS. We do work.
– (February 05) In tech news, Bill Gates is out for the season with a torn AOL…
– (March 05) Had another Drama showcase this past month. It was based on the House of Un-American Activities Committee’s investigation of Hollywood personalities (for the most part) in the late forties and fifties, and it was titled Are You Now, Or Have You Ever Been…? It was in reference to the question, Are you now, or have you ever been a Communist. I played Hollywood Ten director Edward Dmytryk (Just look him up). Of course you could make a play with a similar question towards the baseball world today. The question is: Are you now, or have you ever been on steroids?
MADDSKILLZ Update (May 05)
– (August 05) About the only thing that I hear about this space shuttle is how many issues it has with it. You know something, science is messing us up! We shell out so much money to find out what’s going on in space, we come back with these crappy pictures that only the science populace can appreciate, and we’re putting people at risk just so we can see some rocks before Russia does. Live 8 just happened? Here’s what you do to raise some real awareness. Take all of those performers, and instead of putting them in cities around the northern hemisphere, stick them in a rocket ship and have them play up there, that will get people’s awareness up real quick: “Jay-Z and Linkin Park we’re out of this world!” “I know, but I wish Coldplay didn’t get stuck on Venus…”
– (October 04) Why don’t child stars grow up? Because if they did, they would be adult stars.
– (July 05) My brother recently broke out my old Super Nintendo from back in the day (1992). Super Mario World was the first game I ever played…now in 2005, older and more aware of the world, I can’t believe my eyes. The whole game is drug-infested. Mario gets “stronger” with three items, mushrooms (those are illegal), fire flowers (translation: “smoking” “weed”), and a feather that lets him fly (another way to get high). And if he catches a star, he becomes invincible. A hallucination like no other. Oh well…at least there wasn’t any driving in that game…he gets around on a green dinosaur with a long tongue if he’s lucky.
– (June 05) There is one kid that deserves to be lauded with the best of them. He is Dan Kaufman. The great one and only Dan Kaufman. Every one (DAMMIT EVERYONE) should have an opportunity to engage with Kaufman in a positive manner. Dan is the man. He is the MAN. You don’t unde-undestand. Dan is the MAN (It’s in his name, Dan Kauf MAN). I broke Kaufman’s watch once. He got mad. I never broke his watch again. I’m so happy I didn’t do something so foolish like that ever again! I was there when Dan Kaufman lost an apparently useless internal organ winning the soccer championship in goal. I was there! I played football on that field! I tried to wrestle Kaufman in middle school. He made me quit thinking I could wrestle! He is…damn, you just don’t know! He is huge, larger than life. Dan is 7’4’’, 634 pounds! He is HUGE! He is going to make the sport of lacrosse a great Native American tradition! Watch what I say here. It’ll happen. Unless Dan doesn’t want it to happen, and that is his decision. That’s his decision dammit, don’t you change Dan Kaufman’s mind!!
– (January 05) You know what I’d like to get? One of those t-shirts rappers always wear in their videos that always get censored. My shirt has to have the complete digitally altered effects. Look for that to be on some NBA team’s jersey next season.
– (April 05) In a related issue, PONP (RE: Josh Aichenbaum) has visited the “rediscovery” of certain board games at school. Ever since cardplaying was prohibited, FCS students haven’t looked far to find another form of in-school activity in the cafeteria, board games. Chess is almost as popular this season as Ultimate Frisbee back in 2001-2002 (they tried to get a team back then). Other board games have “surfaced”, such as “Guess Who”. Aichy had a good point about the controversial problems of Guess Who, but there are other games out there that need updating now that we have the awareness to discover them. Remember Operation? Seriously who needs to have a writer’s cramp removed? And Candy Land…what’s the deal with Queen Frostine? And who can forget about Monopoly…that game is the real reason people pork up at McDonalds. You can’t say Super Size Me anymore, but you can still get two free Big Macs at Pennsylvania Avenue.
– (March 05) LAUNCH reported that Kanye West has been offered to pose for Playgirl after he reportedly said that he should be paid for every magazine cover he’s on. West has yet to respond to the offer-I guess he’s still trying to see if “Jesus Walks” or if it “All Falls Down”.
– (January 05) Giving is like voting. If you don’t do it you lose your right to complain when you don’t receive.
– (April 05) Actions speak louder than words…how else could deaf people understand sign language?
– (June 05) I was on the CRAZIEST trolley one day to project…I was on the trolley, and this old guy who looked like Flavor Flav only he didn’t have a giant clock around his neck kept on hitting on everybody that came on the trolley. It was hilarious to look at…from a distance. But silently, at the front of the trolley, was this crazy guy who had raggedy fatigues on. He was waving two small American flags, to himself, seemingly minding his own business. Until a woman accidentally stepped on his foot. All hell broke loose in this guy’s head. The guy stood up and was cussing at this woman like a semi-automatic. The woman got off the trolley as quickly as she came on. It was wild! That’s where the story ends…I got off the trolley too.
– (August 05) I’m going to take a roller coaster and run over that old piece of flesh that has become the Six Flags mascot…
– (October 04) With school back for everybody now, there’s more of a chance of something landing on the face of RetardNation…this month, we have a school in Virginia that faced an important crisis-no milk available for school lunch. So what does the staff do? Mistaking it for limeade (limeade?!), they get some leftover margarita mix from a recent faculty party and serve it to the kids! There’s only one question from all of this: what group was more drunk-the faculty the night before, the kids after lunch, or the faculty during lunch supervision orientation?
– (August 05) So I finally got to visit my place of in-season residence for the next four years (more or less). California University of Pennsylvania…who was the mastermind who came up with that. Now it is in a remote town called California, and it is a university (excuse me, U-niversity) and it is in Pennsylvania, therefore it is OF Pennsylvania. That’s some good name justification, but that’s all the justification there is. If I wanted a conversation with Rocco the supermarket man, I could have one easily, even if I knew nothing about him. I would just say, “Hey Rocco, I’m going to (said college).” Rocco says, “I’m about to take this cash with me.” I say, “No it’s not in Pacific Ocean California, it’s in a city California…” Rocco: “If they catch me I’m going to say you talked me into it…” Me: “…it’s about 45 minutes south of Pittsburgh…” Rocco: “…They already know I’m not mentally qualified for this job…” Me: “…I know it’s confusing, and it’s so long, 14 syllables…”
MADDSKILLZ Update (June 05)
LAST CALL (February 05) – The last call goes out to the cast of THRILLER (a Andrew/Dwight Joint) for making that historical movie: Andrew (Michael Jackson/Producer), Dwight (Thriller/Robot/Producer), Pir (Werewolf/Director), Jordane (Billie Jean/Disappearing Goon), and Parker (one half of twin/Treemonster/Dancing Goon). Of course, no thanks to Justin. And one goes out to Brennan (the good twin) because he would’ve went on stage with me, instead of Parker, the evil twin. And one to Priya, who I apparently missed in Philly this past weekend (and also because the Eagles ended her Atlanta Falcons’ season). That’s all for now, enjoy the Black History Month, as well as the American Heart, as well as the Library Lovers, as well as the National Condom, as well as the National Wildbird Feeding Month that is February.
MADDSKILLZ Update (July 05)
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. No this will not be a Bad Boy Collaboration.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. For everything else, there’s MasterCard. Or next month’s Update.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. What? This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Why? This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Who? This has been a MA…
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Botany never tasted so wild.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Yes, the font did change for 05.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Break this heart if you want to…
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Esto ha sido un MADDSKILLZ Update.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. This is my show, bringing in Fool’s Gold.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Harder to start than a high school relationship.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Sending messages. Across the land.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. We got this.
MADDSKILLZ Update (August 05)