MADDSKILLZ Update
Best of Season 3 (2005-2006)
1SKILLZ Management (1maddskillz@gmail.com)
MADDSKILLZ Update (September 05)
Quote of the Month- “I want everyone to enjoy their weekend, but be safe…don’t end any lives…AND DON’T BEGIN ANY LIVES!!” Dr. Thomas Mueller, at the end of Geography class(September 05)
MADDSKILLZ Update (October 05)
FIRST THOUGHTS (May 06) – Katie Bash is precious, isn’t she? The current state of the Friends’ Central track team I’m not quite sure of, except that Zack Malet got bored one day and decided to do intermediate hurdles. But apparently the freestyling on the bus has been replaced by Yo Momma jokes, also referred to as the Dirty Dozens. This would have been fun for me, being that my freestyles were (and still might be) legendarily terrible, but I’m not on the track team at FCS (or any track team, or at FCS for that matter). But twin Bash gave me a great, horrible idea that a lot of people will regret, but not me because I know what I’m doing. It is May. Mother’s Day is in 2 weeks. So in observance of Mother’s Day, and because I can’t do them on the FCS track team bus, I present a dozen of my worst (and I mean they are just not repeatable) Dirty Dozens:
A. Yo momma is so ugly that you’re still crying from birth.
B. Yo momma is so dumb that she thought she needed to be on chemicals to work at a chemistry lab.
C. Yo momma is so filthy; a night with her has been compared to dinner at Red Lobster.
D. Yo momma is so old; she remembers how the family got through the river in the Oregon Trail.
E. Yo momma so ugly that anytime she goes outside she has to wear a mask that digitally alters her face.
F. Yo momma so fat, she can be naked and still have more pockets than a Boy Scout Uniform.
G. Yo momma is so stupid that when she found out her zodiac sign was Cancer, she thought she needed chemotherapy.
H. Yo momma’s weave is so fake, even JC Penney’s mannequins joke about it.
I. Yo momma is so fat that Jenny Craig sends her thank you cards four times a year.
J. Yo momma so broke, not even Geico can give her good news.
K. Yo momma so hairy, when she gets her hair done, she can get ALL of it done.
L. Yo momma so stupid, she signed two prenups, one for your daddy and one for your daddy’s twin. (I hope I didn’t offend any of the mommas out there, but if I did, then, well, Happy Mother’s Day anyway.)
MADDSKILLZ Update (November 05)
– (September 05) I think science has just cloned another…thing. And there is still hunger in the world. I think they should clone food. Even McDonald’s and KFC. It wouldn’t be healthy, but who is ever hungry when they leave Wendy’s?? Clone FOOD, not some damn plant from the top of a rock or something!
– (January 06) The MADDSKILLZ Update now presents the Skinny Status Line. Not much to say this month. His points are down to 2.6 points a game, rebounds up to 1.8 a game, and blocks are a steady 0.1 a game. Hopefully he plays more than 9 minutes when he returns to Philly this month. In a related story, I’ll be starting intramural basketball when I go back west, and probably keeping track of my own stats until I can find a groupie to do it for me.
MADDSKILLZ Update (December 05)
– (March 06) So Destiny’s Child (the all-star, the role player, and the other girl that can’t walk right) sang the National Anthem at the All-Star Game in Houston. First of all, how many mini-reunions are they going to have? Second, and this is unrelated to Destiny’s Child but I thought of it while watching them: I swear people forget the lyrics to the National Anthem while they are singing it, and they just hold the notes out long enough to remember them again. Think about it…why can’t someone just sing the damn song straight up? Because they’d forget something, that’s why.
– (December 05) Attention Window Shoppers! You’ve seen 50 Cent’s new movie, you’ve heard his new album, you read his new book, and you probably even played his rated M video game. So now G-Unit Community Projects brings to you the Candy Shop, 50 Cent’s holiday shopping center for hustlers and gangstas everywhere. The place has been shot up a few times, and will be evicted effective January 2, 2006. But all that means is that the Candy Shop will be having its Holiday Blowout sale this month! Everything must go, and not Just a Lil Bit. We have it all, the movie, the album, the book, the video game, some leftover Wanksta dolls, and a few Magic Sticks. So don’t ask 21 Questions, and before you get In Da Club, make your way over to 50 Cent’s Candy Shop (Warning: no actual candy will be sold at 50 Cent’s Candy Shop. All rappers that have beef with 50 Cent will be forced to participate in a live Piggy Bank remix video, to be shot during the eviction of 50 Cent’s Candy Shop. 50 Cent’s Candy Shop is also unsuitable for all minors under the age of 18, unless you are going to actually buy something).
– (April 06) Chances are if you’ve seen Maury Povich, you’ve seen an episode of extremely huge babies and their clueless parent(s). Now, the first 20 times, it was sad. It wasn’t until the 21st time, when I was actually eating with Brian B-waite and some more soccer players that I came up with a damn terrible idea. See I was thinking, with a kid that big, you immediately start calling some NFL scouts and pro trainers and make that kid into a model offensive or defensive lineman! And it all starts with a new line of training I like to call Baby FAT. That’s right, Baby FAT, specializing in made for 200 pound 5 year old’s everywhere! Free weights, machines, milk, we have it all at Baby FAT. We even have special Baby FAT muscle shirts, since all these kids come on Maury’s show with nothing on but a custom diaper. Innovative? Yes. Retarded? It’s April Fool’s Day.
MADDSKILLZ Update (January 06)
– (August 06) I talked about trying to find out why PBS has to teach children, and I was going to extend my study, except that my brother (who turns 15 Saturday) kept watching these Disney Channel Original Movies, and since it is his room (I’m just renting for the summer), I had to either leave or rate the Green Bay Packers. One time I didn’t leave and decided to figure out what Mike was watching, and I was horrified to learn that it was this movie about a girl who writes about her entire school ‘hood (that’s a new term I created: “school ‘hood), accidentally turns her diary in as an essay, wins the essay contest, becomes famous and popular for her “fiction”, and then starts talking to her alter-ego. This means that she is talking to the character representing her, but no one else can see her, so it looks like she is talking to herself. She slips up one time on national television and everyone hates her because the entries turn out to be harsh. Long story short, I just replaced the “alter-ego” with “any highly addictive and debilitating drug” and concluded that the Disney Channel is an awful network and ruining the minds of its viewers (and my brother).
– (October 05) Well to clear something up that I forgot to mention in the season opener (isn’t that what season openers are for?!), the MADDSKILLZ Update has been signed to a five year contract; set to end, obviously, in 2010. It’s about time I’m getting paid for this.
MADDSKILLZ Update (February 06)
– (October 05) And in future news, I have been fired for doing my own MADDSKILLZ Update.
– (November 05) -Ok here’s the big thing, as the new NBA season kicks off: the new dress code. Now I don’t think it’s a bad idea to have ballers dress like pimps, as my man Jon Dellum likes to do anyway. And there is nothing wrong with being a professional and dressing like it. But the concept, to put it plainly and in Tim Duncan’s words, is “basically retarded”. What the league is trying to do is change the way people view the league and to develop a better reputation. That, ladies and gentleman, is BS. The way someone dresses may change the way a person looks at a person. But come on, let’s be real, it’s the NBA! So now that they’re wearing suit jackets and collars, everything is all right? You can stab somebody in a bar and spit on the man’s lady, but you better have a suit on while doing it! You can have kids in 13 NBA cities, but that was a nice tie you had on! You have weed in the backseat and a gun in the glove compartment? I would have never suspected, not with those slick gators on! Look, giving AI a makeover isn’t going to change the man, no matter how much he thinks it will. And the league will police their new brainchild, you better believe that… “What was that? Jesus was around his neck? In silver?! AND he was wearing a throwback? Ohhh no, that’s got to go right now…next thing you know he’ll be trying to rap and start fighting people”!
MADDSKILLZ Update (March 06)
– (July 06) I was walking through the streets of Center City, Philadelphia when I was approached by one of the ambassadors of an organization called Child International. You know those people that stand outside and hand off fliers about whatever just to get rid of them? Well this round individual was worse many times over. Now I know all about the organization because back in December I was about to sign up to sponsor a kid. Now, I was feeling really good and generous back then, as evidenced by all those cards I sent out. But my mom came in the middle of the transistion and blew it up, saying I shouldn’t be having money taken out of my account, and the guy looked like he was going to cry. But my mom had a point, so I had to learn how to draw the line. So with this woman…she could not take a hint. I rolled my eyes, and that’s when I made eye contact at all, I acted like I didn’t care what college she was going to or who the kid she was sponsoring is, “oh…Colombian”. I told her FIVE TIMES that I had heard of what they do and that I wasn’t interested: “I would if I could, but I can’t”. After I told her straight up I couldn’t help her become her first sponsor, she was like, “If you aren’t interested, then don’t have a conversation with us next time, OK?” She honestly wasn’t worth a cuss, I tell you. But at least I’m giving Child International some good publicity.
– (May 06) About the NFL Draft…it made sense, in terms of football, that the Houston Texans passed on Reggie Bush. They had a decent running game, they just signed running back Domanick Davis to a new contract extension, and they had a Pro Bowl kickoff returner in Jerome Mathis. They still only won two games, so there is an argument there to say that Bush would not have helped that much. That said…the Texans better pray that Mario Williams is the next coming of Bruce Smith, not just Julius Peppers, because I’m pretty sure there are a lot of pissed off Texans fans. If there is a such thing. As for me talking about LenDale White going to Philly…please disregard. I was WAY off on that one. I wouldn’t have wanted him to go there on second look. I actually think the Eagles did a good job this year. As for the quarterbacks…I’d be surprised if Vince Young turns out good for the Titans at number three (also the same pick of recent busts Akili Smith and Joey Harrington), especially with McNair gone. We’ll see though. I also believe Matt Leinart should tear it up in the Arizona desert. He has two very good wide receivers (Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald), a franchise running back (Edgerrin James), and a punching bag quarterback (Kurt Warner) to play with. No comment on Jay Cutler until Jake Plummer flips off Bronco fans again.
MADDSKILLZ Update (April 06)
– (February 06) UPN has merged with WB to form a new broadcast network, the CW. Finally, the end to the ignorant urban acronym that UPN was usually known by (UnderPaid Negroes). Now with the best of both networks on one channel we can finally have a channel that stands for something: Crap Whenever.
– (June 06) Today is my 16th birthday. Yes, I am well aware that my birthday is January 5, 1987. But when I turned 16 for real, I remember exactly what I did. I looked at myself in the mirror and whispered to myself “I can start driving now”. I remember this clear image, it was a Sunday. Well, to say the least, I screwed that up. But now I’m 16 again, I’m excited, I’m going to have MTV throw me a party Saturday and I’ll get a chocolate cake with 1+ 6 candles on it. I say all this because tomorrow I will finally take my first permit test. I plan on passing it, although it would be more appropriate if I bombed it before the July 06 update. In another development, I decided to continue my physical rehabilitation in downtown Philadelphia. Between that and all the money orders I’ve had to give to PENNDOT, my bank account is hurting 3 weeks after I left school. Growing up has given me an invitation from Broke Phi Broke.
MADDSKILLZ Update (May 06)
– (May 06) The NFL has recently cut down on preplanned touchdown celebrations. This takes some of the excitement factor out of the games, but I have a solution, as always. And like last month’s Baby FAT, it involves that syndicated crap-a-thon Maury. During the paternity test results, you get some of the best pre-planned celebrations ever! Same type of excitement too. Just replace “touchdown!” with “You are the father!”
– (January 06) It was great to play some night football with Deacon, Ethan, Kyle, Colin and all. Kyle and I had some of the oddest chemistry playing at Saint Joe’s…I’d be playing quarterback, all these 5th graders from the area were playing with us (it was like a community service project, only we weren’t trying to be role models that’s what parents are for), and I’d call out some dumb stuff like “biscuits and cornbread” and Kyle would just be like “butter that cornbread TIGHT!” And we’d be all serious about it! And then I throw a 50 yard touchdown to him. It was good…the football.
– (October 05) I am cutting an album. More on this as it develops.
– (May 06) I might get in trouble for saying this, but I obviously don’t care, and I will post it all over the place if I’m in the right mood. The ICF is just stupid. It is one of the leading killers of trees in Pennsylvania, probably the whole country. It is threatening the Amazon, that’s how much paper is down there. My boss is an anal bastard. I’ll repeat that because I like the way it sounds. My boss is an anal bastard. Now I know he is paying me and everything, but I’d rather be fired. Like about four of my Friday co-workers. Why were they fired? Because he is an anal bastard. There is no other explanation. It’s so bad down there for me that my last two hours of my Friday shift; I’m the only damn worker left! Everyone else has been let go. Now he could have just kept them and lowered their pay for not being on time, or he could’ve hired new workers. But that would have made too much sense. He’s an idiot. And he’s brainwashed one of the managers to the point where all he does is “follow procedure”. But I’ve got a plan. I’m going to show up for work. I’m going to post this oil-tinged rant all over the damn place, and before I can get fired (via e-mail apparently) I’ll quit! There will be no one down there on Fridays after that! Ha! …In future news, I’ll be working at the ICF next year.
– (January 06) I saw a Crest Lemon Ice toothpaste commercial one day, and I thought it was one of the most ghetto commercials I’ve ever seen. How are you going to tell people to line up in the street to get some damn toothpaste?
– (January 06) I might as well stay on the topic of dental issues. Nelly and Paul Wall have the video for “Grillz” out. I was talking with my cousin Monica the other day, and I was reminded of something. I’ve already had Grillz once! See back then, we called them braces. I had them for a LONG time, from 1st grade until I turned 13, not lying. I used to break them playing ball and I moved like three times in between that time so that’s the reason I had them that long. But I used to get different colors every month and everything. One day I had silver, then I switched to blue, I even had gold and white bands. They can keep their Grillz, I had braces.
– (October 05) Apparently, CSI: NY has been successful enough to earn a second season. I don’t watch CBS unless it’s some football or college bball, but I can say whatever I want about whatever, thus the commentary. Look, CBS has established an empire of CSIs that must be stopped. Soon we’re going to be getting CSIs of everywhere! A CSI every night of the week, baby. We’re talking CSI: LA, CSI: West Philly, CSI: Alaska, and CSI: Venus, where they try and find all of those missing astronauts NASA didn’t tell you about. You know, the black guys from when NASA was just starting out, experimenting.
– (November 05) There have been so many hurricanes this year that they’re going to have to start going to Overbrook to name hurricanes next year…”Hurricane Jamarcus is about to slam right into South Beach, but we have to keep an eye on Hurricane Keyonte, and we’re just praying that LaTeasha doesn’t become a massive Hurricane as it forms in the Atlantic Ocean, soon to be named the Anterryious Ocean.”
– (December 05) The International Olympic Committee is considering Black Friday shopping as an event in the 2010 Winter Olympics…it would be taped on the day after Thanksgiving 2009 and aired during the opening ceremonies. More on this as it develops.
– (March 06) And finally, I need to get back to the stage. I’ve been ready to do stand-up since I got back to Philly. When I find a venue, I’ll just introduce a screenplay called Soul Chix. Those “strong, independent” women that would beat the hell out of someone, but they use God as their restraining order. Soul Chix…they have just enough strength to get through the day and cuss somebody out. Soul Chix…keeping it real while being as fake as Beverly Hills. Soul Chix…It’s hard to describe, but I’d have a lot of fun acting it out.
– (June 06) I see this is going to be a rough update, so let’s bring back RetardNation…this edition of RetardNation features a man from Omaha, NE who was convicted of sexually assaulting a 13 year old girl. However, he will not serve any jail time. Instead, he gets 10 years probation and is to stay away from minors. Why no jail time? Because he is 5’1”. The judge wanted to protect this guy because she thought jail would be too dangerous for him. What does that mean; he’ll get his head stuck in a steel toilet a few times?! That is just RETARDED! I think my 4’11” brother Michael puts it best: “If he is tall enough to rape someone, he’s tall enough to get raped in prison”.
– (August 06) And to end the update, this August 12th is International Youth Day. Celebrities everywhere will celebrate by bringing home an international youth.
MADDSKILLZ Update (June 06)
LAST CALL (January 06) – This one is easy, my homies Matt Cooper and Gerald Nelson, two fellow residents of Binns Hall and Philadelphia. Now they have their own versions of the following account, but here’s mine. I mentioned last month how I was looking forward to taking Greyhound after a sleep deprived on the plane. Man was I wrong. We all planned to leave campus at 5:00PM Thursday two weeks ago, be on the 11PM bus and arrive in Philly 5AM Friday morning. Good plan, only thing is one thing went wrong after another. First it was nasty outside all day long. It was nasty when we all dragged our stuff out to the first bus stop. But we were a half hour early. So we all got rained on. But 5:30 PM came, and we took the bus to a city in between California and Pittsburgh. After another half hour (and Gerald discussing midgets) the bus to Pittsburgh arrives. We get into Pittsburgh, get McDonald’s, and get ready to walk to Gerald’s girlfriend’s college. But you see, he had two bags, one of which was a 50 pound body bag that had lost about 1.5 of its wheels; I had four bags that I couldn’t figure out to manage; Cooper looked halfway normal with three bags. What should have been at most a 20 minute walk was a whole HOUR. I popped my hand, Gerald looked like a fugitive, and M. Cooper was around in between. We got to the place, the Art Institute of Pittsburgh, only to learn that the buses were cancelled because of the freezing rain. We wound up sleeping in Gerald’s girl’s dorm overnight, pissed because we weren’t going to be home anytime soon. We woke up, got to Greyhound’s bus station Friday at 12PM, didn’t get on the bus until 3. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I’ve got to get ready for more church, but I’ll return next month!
MADDSKILLZ Update (July 06)
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. No wankstas allowed.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. I came, I saw, I established a party.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Yes, the surgeon is female.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. In Living Color.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. I don’t slow down at 30, I’m just beginning to rock.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Who needs a copyright when you can have a Xerox left.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. For the color blind.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. MADDSKILLZ Update?! Brilliant!
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Before you lose control.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. You’re teasing me, you know what I got, and I got what you need.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. But I’m not that angry.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Because the system wasn’t meant for us.
MADDSKILLZ Update (August 06)