MADDSKILLZ Update (Best of Season 7)

MADDSKILLZ Update
Best of Season 7 (2009-2010)
1SKILLZ Management (1maddskillz@gmail.com)

Quote of the Month: “Sun chips bad. Sun Chips good. Sun Chips do stuff that your chips wish they could.” Charrose’ King, about chips that are better than yours. (June 2010)

FIRST THOUGHTS (December 09): The month of December has arrived, and 2009 is 335 days heavy. As you all know, the phenomenon of “Holiday Season” officially began on Thanksgiving, and while many believe this season ends after New Year’s Day is over (and after that seventh Kwanzaa candle gets lit, for the three of you who actually have kept up on that), I am proposing that there is a five day extension of Holiday Season. My birthday is January 5th – same as every year, but you know I have to remind you all. So why am I spending time in the December MADDSKILLZ Update talking about my January birth date, instead of doing more useful things such as educating people on agnostic holidays? Because I know how people spend during Holiday Season. I have yet to obtain a chart, or do any real research, but I have compiled some numbers that explains the percentage of people’s cash over the duration of Holiday Season:

Thanksgiving: 100% (waistlines: 250%)

Black Friday, 5:34AM: 78% (Wal-Mart injury rates not immediately available)

MADDSKILLZ Update (December 09): 81% (1SKILLZ will save you money)

4th day of Hanukkah: 71% (figures do not represent full duration of Hanukkah!)

5th day of Christmas: 39% (golden rings are expensive)

Last day of autumn: 20% (yes, December is still 2/3 autumn)

December 23rd: 8% Christmas Eve: -14% (figures for Christmas Adam are still unavailable)

Christmas: 25%

Boxing Day: ?

Ujamaa: -34% (Ujamaa is cooperative economics, but you already know that Kwanzaa is not an accurate representation of Holiday Season)

New Year’s Eve: -87% (This correlates with people’s New Year’s resolutions to save money)

New Year’s Day: -100%

January 5: 0%.

As you can see, people do a ridiculous amount of spending during Holiday Season. However, not only do people not have any money left by time my birthday rolls around, nobody claims to owe anybody either, thus explaining why I don’t get money in the four birthday cards I get a year! This must change (no pun intended). Holiday Season can still be a festive time where the kids get to sit on stranger’s laps and eggnog is legal in Middle America. I’m just saying, save a little money and time for me on January 5th, 2010! Whatever people do on Boxing Day can be toned down a little bit, I’m sure of that. So while you are putting up lights, ringing bells, and singing to hobos, just remember that you can do that for five days longer if it helps you remember my birthday next month! In the meantime, enjoy this month, and also try and enjoy this MADDSKILLZ Update.

-I was with the Brother Dwight (of the FAMED posse) when I introduced the Professional Party Slide-Through. Basically, this is for use when you need to not be at a party but at the same time, don’t want to miss the whole party. You want to see for yourself what’s up for yourself, but know it is best if you don’t stick around and become a story. Best used when you’re, you know, engaged. The Professional Party Slide-Through is best executed with a designated driver. That is, someone that is willing to stay behind the wheel during the slide through. While your ride stays in the car and circles around for a potential parking spot, you enter the scene. Don’t move fast, and say hello to everybody who speaks in your direction, but always stay moving. Explore all parameters of the setting. When it becomes clear that you should bounce, immediately notify the driver to stop looking for parking spots and to meet you at the door in five minutes. This is enough time for a song to ride out, to get a parting number, and most importantly, to get out before you go against your gut. (April 2010)

-And now, Friar Lawrence for Old Spice Body Wash: Hold thy desperate hand! Art thou a man? Thou form cries out thou art; thy tears are womanish, thy wild acts denote the unreasonable fury of a beast. Unseemly woman in a seeming man! Or ill-beseeming beast in seeming both! A pack of blessings light upon thy back, yet you use the lady-scented body wash instead of Old Spice. Fie, fie, thou shamest thy shape, thy love, thy wit, which, like a usurer, abound’st, and usest none in that true use indeed which should bedeck thy shape, thy love, thy wit. Go get thee to thy love, as was decreed, ascend her chamber, hence and comfort her by smelling like Old Spice and not a lady. I’m on a horse. (June 2010)

-Now introducing the Black Eyed Bees: “I’m a bee, I’m a bee, I’m a I’m a I’m a bee … I’m a bee on the next level … I’m a bee spreadin’ my wings … I’m a bee brilliant with my millions … I’m a bee living that good life … Celebrate like I’m a bee.” (July 2010)

-Was I the only one who saw the Tiger Woods “comeback” Nike advertisement featuring the voice of his late father Earl Woods and thought of that scene in The Lion King where the ghost of Mufasa tells Simba to take his place in the circle of life? It was like Nike was old Rafiki in this whole thing! Something tells me that Nyla Woods is still pissed. (May 2010)

-I saw Avatar in 3D, and I wonder how long it will be until 3D contact lenses come out… (March 2010)

-I don’t know Tiger Woods. But you do, and you know I’m an opportunist sometimes. Whatever (and whoever) Tiger did isn’t necessarily my business. But as the bimbo count rose and the sponsor count fell, I came into work and told my teammates that I could never cheat. I told my mother the same thing, and she played the devil’s advocate on me, reminding me that I haven’t been in too many relationships to know what I’d do (Damn!). So if I was Tiger Woods, and I had all of the, how can I say it … resources that Tiger had, how hard would it be to stay monogamous? Quite simply, it would not be hard at all! Maybe it’s because I’ve been in so few relationships, and maybe it’s because I brutally mishandled the two breakups I experienced this past year, but I don’t like playing with people’s feelings. If I’m with someone, they deserve to have peace of mind. I’m not even judging Tiger Woods; I could even argue that the potential of infidelity makes some relationships stronger. All I’m saying here is that I can’t be that type of guy, ever. (January 2010)

– Last month I bought up a point where there is not a position in the workplace for “getting fired to get hired” (for those individuals who expect to keep their jobs after cussing their employers out). But maybe there should be a position like that! The “Firing Guy” would have a very simple task: receive all of the profane threats, irrational comments, unrealistic requests, and bullsmack complaints from underling employees and in turn, deliver them to the boss in the most unprofessional and inappropriate fashion. The Firing Guy must be a true professional in what he does. If his obscene rants are not enough to get the boss emotionally moved to fire him on the spot, then the Firing Guy has failed (and he might get fired anyway). The organizational benefit of the Firing Guy is to actually improve morale and relations in the workplace. It works both ways: employees will have a place to vent without risking their jobs, while employers get to hear the complaints, fire the Firing Guy, make appropriate adjustments after taking criticism as constructively as possible, then rehire the Firing Guy the following morning! That’s good money right there. And if this sounds a lot like the job description of a court jester, then that probably shouldn’t be a coincidence. (November 09)

-You’ve heard the saying that you can’t send a boy to do a man’s job … but a boy needs to step up to replace a man sometimes, and a son needs to step up to replace a father sometimes. (September 09)

-And since we’re on the topic of uninvited dedication to addressing pressing issues, we enter the world of RetardNation! In this month’s visit, we wonder what in the hell Kanye West was trying to do at the VMAs, and it’s funny that anyone would think this has much to do with anybody other than Kanye! “Why would he do this to Taylor Swift, she’s just a baby, pobrecita!” Listen, I like Taylor Swift just as much as the next black man, but Kanye’s vigilance had nothing to do with Taylor Swift, Beyoncé, or even Michael Jackson! This had everything to do with the very man who is being cursed by you all, Kanye West! After the South Park “Fishsticks” episode I thought two things: That Kanye West is a gay fish, and that maybe, just maybe, he realized that he has a ridiculous ego problem. Now I think about that episode, and I think Kanye West is a genius! You see, Kanye West is an entertainer. It is his job to keep you entertained, whether it is voluntarily or by interrupting people during award shows. Would it have mattered if he did not make an appearance at this year’s VMA’s? Hell no, but Kanye thought of a perfect Jedi Mind Trick to take attention AWAY from Taylor Swift and Beyoncé and bring it unto himself! Retarded? Yes. Genius? Hell yes! Let’s recap Kanye’s career shall we? Let’s start out at a time where Kanye’s head was of normal proportions. He drops out of college, gets signed to Roc-A-Fella, produces almost half of The Blueprint (the reason a lot of y’all care about Jay-Z to this day), then breaks his face using a car. The result? The College Dropout! He has your attention, and then on live TV for relief for Hurricane Katrina victims, he reminds us that George Bush doesn’t care about black people. That got people talking, and Late Registration was out that week! Then Kanye started crashing award shows, and at the 2007 VMAs criticized MTV for featuring Britney Spears more than him. Of course, 50 Cent was making things easy for Kanye by releasing his wack album on the same day as Graduation, which came out that week! And then, Kanye lost his mother and saw his engagement end … and also watched T-Pain’s popularity escalate: 808s & Heartbreak! Now his ego has taken hits from South Park, Jay-Z came out with “D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune)”, which Kanye contributed to, and now he’s climbing into a hole after getting drunk and crashing the VMAs! When he comes out with his next album, you know you’ll be on it! I’ve wanted to like Kanye West since ’03, but it gets harder and harder every year! The only reason I care about Kanye West is because I like his music. That is literally it! You and I are both thinking, “when Kanye stops making good music, SCREW HIM!” But, if Kanye thrives on being a jackass, then he truly is a genius! Plus, all of this is really Jay-Z’s fault. Jay-Z put Kanye on basically, Jay-Z married Beyoncé, and everything is Jay-Z’s fault anyway. Jay-Z is to Kanye West what Jerry Rice is to Terrell Owens, and it’s eating at Kanye, you can tell. (October 09)

-As we are wont to do, Sam and I came up with a great terrible idea in the City Year office at Overbrook High School. We were discussing the general ineffectiveness of alarm clocks and then decided to come up with a solution: the Alarm Clock Blanket. This device can be custom set to wake you up in ways that are too disruptive to ignore. You enjoy sleeping in a warm bed? The Alarm Clock Blanket would freeze on impact. You can’t sleep with night sweats? The Alarm Clock Blanket will get hot enough to set off smoke detectors. The Alarm Clock Blanket doesn’t have a “ring” option or “vibrate” option. Instead, it has a “sonic shock wave” option and “short area earthquake” option. Either way you want to shake out of bed, the Alarm Clock Blanket would get the job done. And maybe give you a concussion. (December 09)

-My job was to start getting out more during the weekends … that grade for January stands as a solid F. And since I’m behind anyway, I’m at least going to go through extreme measures to break out every Friday and/or Saturday night. Any help with this measure is appreciated, and if it helps, keep in mind that I DO have my license and will serve as your designated driver when applicable! (RE: In future news, I’ll spend the four weekends in February catching up on sleep, writing letters to cyberspace, and shoveling snow.) (February 2010)

-Speaking of Beyoncé songs, her and Jay-Z apparently are not expecting a child, amid rumors of the contrary, so we’ll have to wait for the “Single Ladies” remix (“If you liked it then you should’ve put a baby in it…”) (April 2010)

-Damn it Arlen Specter. How dumb can a politician be?! When Joe Sestak ran that ad about Arlen Specter changing parties so he could be re-elected, I wrote in my mental notebook “election over.” Listen, the Famed Posse and the Intercontinental Bro Network (unofficial) could have told Arlen that you don’t just go to parties announcing your intentions straight up like that! Come on man, telling the voting public that your change in party will enable you to be re-elected (with the wish-sly off-the-record looking head nod to go with it) is right up there with saying to someone at the party that, “I’m going to this party to remain popular,” or telling a girl that you meet there that “I’m going to see who I can have my first child with here tonight,” or telling the guy dressed as a cop during a Christmas party that, “I’m here so I can see if I can get away with selling the grams of cocaine I have in my bag!” Really, way to be discreet about it man. (June 2010)

-This is America. Speak 82.1% English, 10.7% Spanish, Chinese, French, Sign, Hawaiian… (July 2010)

-Ever since this year started, I had to do something about the fact that I had issues balancing work and life. If I have something I wanted to get done, it gets done – but most often at the expense of making time for me. I also used to struggle with losing too much time to sleeping in on my days off because I had no plans to motivate me to get up and I was too exhausted to come up with any the day of. But ever since I turned 23, I’ve been implementing the Always Stay Moving Theory. It’s really simple. In order to combat a heavy work schedule that requires energy, overbook the schedule so that you always have someone to see or somewhere to go! This theory has some glitches, most obviously burnout. However, when you always stay moving, you stay in rhythm! And when you surround yourself with good people as often as possible, negative energy will be eliminated! I only had four days off in the month of April, but it turned out to be my best all around month of the year! (May 2010)

-I was with Michael on the corner of Broad and Cecil B. Moore as we heard some gangsta tunes blasting. No biggie …except, we both looked up and saw a funeral procession going north on Broad Street. What we saw next set society back to about 1995: the car making all that noise was part of the funeral car line, with these 30 inch rims! There’s grieving, and then there’s riding out in the sunset. I guess dude’s horn didn’t work or something. Seriously though … that must have been the DEEPEST funeral ever. Like, six feet deep. Ok let me stop and put this story to rest … rest in peace. Damn. (March 2010)

-I was riding with the Brother Dwight about to pick up his sister DeBreea when we started wondering what the real deal with Santa Claus was. We concluded the following: The wrath of Santa is no joke. First of all, peep Santa’s beard and recognize that he has been growing that out for YEARS. Some men take awhile to get a moustache, while Santa looks in the mirror in the morning with absolutely no regard for being fresh. None whatsoever. Then this dude Santa Claus decides he’s going to chill up at the North Pole all year. I don’t know if you or Matthew Henson realized that there is no land on the North Pole, yet Santa takes up permanent residence. Maybe it’s just a post office box address, I don’t know. And around every November, Santa Claus has all of the malls’ attention. They don’t know what mall Santa will show up, but just in case it happens to be their mall, management is sure to clear out a whole section for him and his wife! Speaking of his wife, you know she loves Santa because he’s home 300 days out the year! But Ms. Claus probably doesn’t know how Santa does on the night before Christmas. First of all, Santa gets up there on his sleigh and makes all the booty calls to the moonlighters – three at a time! And then he descends down the chimneys of married men and has their kids reporting about the time they saw their mom kissing him. You know Joe Jackson must’ve flipped when he heard the Jackson 5 singing that song. Santa strikes fear in households. Who else do you know is so notorious breaking into fools houses that they actually leave him cookies and milk?! And he just plays with children’s emotions. If you’ve been nice all year, he doesn’t even get what you want on his list … just what happens to be in his sack when he comes to your area code. He only takes children’s Christmas lists for his own amusement. And if you’ve been naughty, he takes a piece of coal from the same fireplace he just made love to your mom on and drops it in your stocking. That’s cold. Even the way he treats his reindeer is no laughing matter. I’m not sure how PETA hasn’t started a Christmas campaign about Santa Claus treatment of Rudolph in particular. Have y’all ever seen a reindeer? They’re not bony like Bambi. In fact, if that movie was never made you’d think they’re freakin’ monsters. Yet, Santa rounds them up and makes them battle each other, and the one with the bloodiest nose gets to call himself Rudolph for the night and lead the heavy sleigh. Most importantly though, Santa does WORK. He’s smart, knowing he has to start on the left side of the International Date Line and work his way west, and he gets things done. Damn. Santa Claus is a real boss. (January 2010)

-I don’t want anyone to fall in love with me; Aerosmith told me that falling in love is hard on the knees! Seriously, falling hurts man. I believe in falling OUT of love, but falling in it? That’s not what it feels like to me. Plus, it’s too easy to fall, just ask women in six inch heels. They probably fall in love all the time. No, I don’t fall in love. I’d rather fly in love. Get off the ground and grow higher in it, instead of trying to scuba dive in it and hope not to drown. Of course, flying in love has its obvious risks. The altitude can get uncomfortable and it takes some getting used to, not to mention you can get clipped and start falling. But I equate being in love to being on cloud nine sometimes. But falling in love? That sounds like a reluctant reaction, as if it’s meant to be fought. But even then, “in a sky full of people, only some want to fly. Isn’t that crazy?” (November 09)

-Potentially overheard: “Jesus Christ! Forgive me Lord, I couldn’t think of another name to say in vain.” (September 09)

-I’ve been in LA for three weeks, and quite possibly the most annoying question/comment that I get is about the women. Is there a such things as Regional Attraction Perception (RAP)? Well, because I capitalized it, I’m saying that there is. I really think that there is something in people’s minds that sees beauty (or, whatever the opposite of beauty is) in where a lady is from. I’ll keep it real for right now though. I don’t like a lot of makeup. And there are a lot of Barbie dolls out here, so yes, there are a lot of unattractive women in LA. But this is also coming from someone with a face that scares women and small children, so let me get back to my original point. There is definitely Regional Attraction Perception! Ask a girl where she’s from. Some like a girl from Texas, some like that she’s from the Pacific Northwest, some get really interested all of a sudden that she’s from Brazil, and some lose interest immediately because she’s from Alaska. Seriously, if Sarah Palin was from Miami, she’d be that much hotter. No? Let’s move on… (August 2010)

–Michael Jackson’s This Is It is scheduled to be released at the end of this month, just in time for Halloween. It is rated PG for some suggestive choreography and scary images. The scariest image of them all? Michael Jackson. (October 09)

-Al and Tipper Gore are divorcing?? Really? Those two?! Damn! Who would have predicted that? In a related story, Bill Clinton is still single. (July 2010)

-Picture of Childhood: “Who are you pointing at? It’s impolite to point fingers Roger! How many times have I told you that?” “But mom, I’d rather point fingers than pull triggers!” (November 09)

-For his role as a cancer-stricken football player in the film Things Fall Apart, 50 Cent shed over 50 pounds. Or, in American currency, 73 dollars. (June 2010)

-Possibly Overheard from Smokey Bear, circa 1977: “Only you can prevent forest fires. Do you know why? Because I’m a bear, damnit! It’s bad enough that my name is Smokey and I’m made to look too high to function just so I can be in commercials with Joanna Cassidy! I haven’t hibernated in thirty years! Do you know why? Forest fires, that’s why. How hard can it be to put a campfire out? How careless can you be with matches?! Look, we’ll make a deal, you chill with the forest fires, and I’ll tell my boys Yogi and Boo-Boo to stop stealing your picnic baskets, okay? I’m desperate here. A bear’s gotta sleep. Damn!” (June 2010)

ONE SHOT (July 2010): (scene: A few hours after 1SKILLZ Pack-a-thon 2010 ended, Management usurped the 1 with the SKILLZ like the series finale of ALF and transported him to an undisclosed location for unknown reasons. For the purpose of the MADDSKILLZ Update, the undisclosed location was determined to be the observation deck of Philadelphia’s City Hall. 1SKILLZ gets off the glass elevator to find Management waiting the way Kirk Fogg waited for Olmec to start Legends of the Hidden Temple.)

MANAGEMENT: Welcome 1SKILLZ.

1SKILLZ: Welcome? Welcome?! I just got done packing, and you decide to straight kidnap me? And take me to William Penn’s statue?! It’s 3 at night, who do you think you are, Eminem???

MANAGEMENT: For one thing, it’s 3 in the morning.

1SKILLZ: Well… yeah, that’s true…

MANAGEMENT: Secondly, we decided to keep you on Earth this time.

1SKILLZ: I see, thanks for being so convenient.

MANAGEMENT: It was the least we could do. The moon self-destructed last time.

1SKILLZ: You cannot be serious. That was a solar eclipse.

MANAGEMENT: Silence!

1SKILLZ: :SIGH: What do you want with me at this hour. I’ve been up all night. Whole crew was in there. And I’m not sure who I’m going to lose next year.

MANAGEMENT: You’re whole crew wasn’t there. The Brother Dwight is in New Hampshire with Keys. Rob the Legend is in Colorado. Justin the Franchize is MIA (he could be in Florida). Everyone you worked with just about has already escaped Philadelphia. And, well, we understand that NBA free agency officially started on the first of July.

1SKILLZ: I know! Seriously, LeBron’s gonna bolt. I don’t see how he comes back to Cleveland. Dwyane Wade? How crazy would it be if him and Chris Bosh went to Chicago!!! So many moves to be made!

MANAGEMENT: Yes, yes, this is what you are interested in, we understand that. But do you know why we bring up NBA free agency?

1SKILLZ: Because people don’t talk about the World Cup inside City Hall at 3AM…?

MANAGEMENT: Yes. And no.

1SKILLZ: Oh wait. This is about MY contract status?!

MANAGEMENT: Precisely.

1SKILLZ: What about it?

MANAGEMENT: We have checked your numbers, and have made some decisions.

1SKILLZ: You all suck at decisions. For one, you took me here to tell me you made some “decisions”.

MANAGEMENT: Well, our decision last year was that we decided it was best to let your contract signed in 2005 expire as originally planned.

1SKILLZ: You guys keep telling me stuff I’m already aware of! I should have held out while I had the chance in September…

MANAGEMENT: Well, we were sort of excited for you at the beginning of this season. We knew you had gone through changes in your life and now you aren’t at that inadequately named university. We were interested to see what a new chapter in your life would do for the MADDSKILLZ Update.

1SKILLZ: Well if you ask me, this has been a great season! I had some growing pains, but I’ve been on a roll I think.

MANAGEMENT: Is that what you see? Because we happen to disagree.

1SKILLZ: Are you kidding me? Are we looking at the same numbers? The same feedback? We can’t be.

MANAGEMENT: I’m not sure what you see. We see two numbers. 2,000, and a number well below 2,000.

1SKILLZ: Oh no. You are talking about something different…

MANAGEMENT: Yes, your tune is changing now.

1SKILLZ: Ok now, you can talk all you want about the “Save the MADDSKILLZ Update!” campaign, but I did WORK on that. I released 16 special compilations!!!

MANAGEMENT: Oh, very well of you to bring up those “Best of” compilations. And how much feedback have you gotten from them?

1SKILLZ: … Somebody wrote something. A few months ago?

MANAGEMENT: And even your holdout wasn’t genuine! How are you going to say you’re not going to engage in special projects, but then start contributing to TWO websites outside of the MADDSKILLZ Update?!

1SKILLZ: Hey now, NFL Touchdown is a great opportunity. And I know you don’t have a lot of friends bumming around high points of East coast cities, but I wanted to support my friends with Swagriculture. But I still released full MADDSKILLZ Updates for the people!

MANAGEMENT: Full MADDSKILLZ Updates? That reminds us. You said you would cut down on the length of the MADDSKILLZ Update, yet you still routinely release material that working class people cannot invest in.

1SKILLZ: What do you mean, I’m a working class person you know! I put in more service hours a week than ever before in life this year! And still found a way to produce on par!

MANAGEMENT: Well, and this is also from your holdout statement, you said that you would drop the average number of pages in the MADDSKILLZ Update from 6.1 pages. Do you have any idea where your numbers are at this year so far?

1SKILLZ: Actually I do. I’ve released the shortest season of MADDSKILLZ Updates in years. My longest Update this season was in October, and that was 7 pages, and it was my 75th Update, so kick hard rocks.

MANAGEMENT: Well, you’re July 2010 Update was your longest since then, and we just know you’ll release a long update next month. You can’t help yourself.

1SKILLZ: I helped your mom last night.

MANAGEMENT: If Chuck Norris was here your jaw would be broken!

1SKILLZ: Chuck Norris is old news, nobody refers to him or his roundhouse kicks anymore.

MANAGEMENT: Is that right? Well we have determined that the MADDSKILLZ Update is old news.

1SKILLZ: You all are making the wrong decision. I know that the “Save the MADDSKILLZ Update!” page only managed to get 313 fans, or likes, or whatever you want to call it. But I know you didn’t bring me to City Hall just to dismiss me like that.

MANAGEMENT: Well, we admired the fact that you continued to keep pushing your hopeless goals upon people who continue to have no idea what the MADDSKILLZ Update is after 7 years. 1SKILLZ: Honestly, I don’t even know what the MADDSKILLZ Update is.

MANAGEMENT: Well, now you don’t have to worry. You will release your final MADDSKILLZ Update in August.

1SKILLZ: I … I can’t just go out like that… That’s 7 years of my life. Of other people’s lives!

MANAGEMENT: Indeed.

1SKILLZ: You all are selling me way short, but I guess I understand…

MANAGEMENT: Don’t feel bad. You even said, the MADDSKILLZ Update was for the people. And, well, because you felt like it. You may feel like doing the MADDSKILLZ Update still, but the people have decided.

1SKILLZ: Well, what if I get those 2,000 likes before August?

MANAGEMENT: That won’t happen. Plus, you’ve decided to leave Philadelphia. Again. You’re going to a completely strange land. We hope you know what you’re doing. Because your time in the city of Philadelphia is up.

1SKILLZ: What do you mean my time in Philadelphia is up? This is home! Or at least, it’s as close to home as I know… And since you are the authority on decision-making, what should my next move be if I can’t do the MADDSKILLZ Update anymore?

MANAGEMENT: Well, you’re the 1 with the SKILLZ. We imagine you’ll figure it out. For the moment, we suggest you get ready for your flight. Philadelphia is set to explode in less than 24 hours. Finish packing. And good luck.

(1SKILLZ made it back home and got ready to leave the city of Philadelphia for an indefinite amount of time. He had left the city every year since 2005, but this felt different. As for the city of Philadelphia … the city didn’t exactly explode. It turned out to just be fireworks at Penn’s Landing for the Fourth of July. But that’s not the point is it? Until the next time…)

This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Can’t be your Superman, your Superman, your Superman.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Contains hazardous material, handle with extreme caution caution caution.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. My-my-my solitaire, my solitaire face.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Now accepting applications for Santa’s designated driver.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Keep laughin’, stay Smilin’.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. LA or bust…
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Gnarly.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. CYLAWSWCTL.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Beam me up, Scotty.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. ^^^Straight to the top^^^.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. 7/3/2010, 5:45pm PST, LAX.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update^©®TM. I GOT SKILLZ! I GOT MADD SKILLZ!