MADDSKILLZ Update
Best of Season 6 (2008-2009)
1SKILLZ Management (1maddskillz@gmail.com)
MADDSKILLZ Update (September 08)
Quote of the Month: “For the longest time I thought Jon and Kate Plus Eight was a porno,”Lauren Hovey (July 09)
MADDSKILLZ Update (October 08)
FIRST THOUGHTS (November 08): *The MADDSKILLZ Update interrupts your regularly scheduled Daylight Savings Time special to bring you a message from the 1 with the SKILLZ*
“Good evening America and good morning Vietnam. I am the 1 with the SKILLZ, Lawrence Murray. I am running for President of the United States of America as a member of the West Coast party. Because ain’t no party like a West Coast party, because a West Coast party don’t stop. I realize that at the age of 21, I’m technically not supposed to be running for President. However, my campaign has been handing out Sharpies, sticky notes, and lipstick since December, so I’m sure you can do what I’ll be doing- writing my name in. That’s right; the West Coast party is intent on getting a candidate on the ballot. And this year the 1 with the SKILLZ will not only be on the ballot but also, with the help of America, in the White House. And please don’t get angry people; I’m only calling you all America because I don’t know your names individually. We’ve seen over the last month what the main candidates are trying to throw at us. Barack Obama is trying to be the 2008 version of Mays Gilliam! This is scary America. Almost as scary as the name “Barack Obama.” Just admit it America. You’re scared to vote for a man named Barack Obama. I realize it’s not even because he’s black, because if Obama was white and his name was still Barack Obama, you’d be even more scared. I understand this America, which is why I decided before the election to change my name from Osama bin Larry to the more politically correct name Lawrence Murray. This is a change you can believe in. And if you don’t believe it, that’s fine, but I’m still the 1 with the SKILLZ and that will not change. And as far as John McCain goes, I’m not even sure if he’s running for president! Who is really running for President? Is it John McCain? Or is it John McCain’s record? John McCain, or Sarah Palin’s future? John McCain, or General Betray Us? John McCain, or the anthropomorphic offspring of a moose and an elephant? That’s right, anthropomorphic. That means a non-human creature or being that is attributed human characteristics, like Goofy. This ain’t George W. Bush running for President over here. Anyway, based on the debates America, I’m not even sure anymore! To those who question why I do not have a running mate, I’m still single. I can tell you that to have a running mate before a soul mate is not the American thing to do. A wise man told me that you can lose money chasing girls, but you won’t lose girls chasing money. Likewise, you can lose focus on the issues when you chase running mates AND potential soul mates. But if you stay focused on the issues, of which a big issue right now is the economy, you will eventually find a running mate, and maybe even a soul mate. This is why I’m laid back. With my mind on the money and the money on my mind. I can say that my running mate will probably be a midget or Chelsea Clinton, the love child of great politicians Bill Clinton and Hillary Rodham Clinton. Joe Biden has said that if Obama gets elected President, he will probably face an international crisis in six months. Well you better not remove me, because with running mates like mine, America will be facing a NATIONAL crisis within six WEEKS. Actually, no matter what candidate you vote for, we’re probably facing a national crisis within six weeks anyway. Just being honest America. Voting for me would be better than voting for Ralph Nader or any other third-party candidate. You see, Nader knows he can’t win the election! He just wants enough percentage of the votes so that Obama or McCain will focus on his issues. Well, in the West Coast party we call this tactic the “sacrifice fly”, like in baseball. In other words, you know you’re not scoring, but you hope to get the ball just high enough to get your man on third base! Not me America. We’re losing and we have two outs. I’m swinging for homeruns. Now I understand there are questions about my experience. As I mentioned before, John McCain is using his record to run for president. Well, I searched everywhere for John McCain’s record. I looked everywhere records were sold, I looked on iTunes, YouTube, and in Billboard magazine, f.y.e., Wal-Mart, Scratch’s Old School Record Shop on 9th and 24th Avenue, and I couldn’t find his anywhere. I asked bootleggers about John McCain’s record, and they looked at me like I was crazy. Fact of the matter is, America, John McCain has no record! Lawrence Murray has a record though! It’s called Self-Titled Album and is available for public viewing at www.youtube.com/1maddskillz. There hasn’t been a President with a record since Eric B. in Paid in Full. And that was a great record. Another thing that I had to look into is John McCain and Sarah Palin’s extensive use of the term “Maverick”. First of all, the Dallas Mavericks opened their season this past Thursday night, and not only did they lose to the Houston Rockets, McCain and Palin didn’t even get in the game! This is unacceptable America. We should have a better representative of the White House than the Dallas Mavericks. And don’t think that you are getting the best basketball player in Obama. From what I can tell, Obama has no right hand, so I’d like to see him score on me! Obama has also been criticized for not reaching over party lines, something that John McCain says that he has done and will continue to do. As President, I promise you America that I will not only reach over party lines; I will step over them over and over again. Because that’s what we need in Washington; a habitual line-stepper. I’ll step over the lines so much; you would think I had a piece of chalk everywhere I go, just so I can draw lines. I’ll step over the lines so much; you’d think I was playing hopscotch. I don’t give a damn. And go ahead America, talk to my friends. Obama is becoming a victim of the people he knows such as Rev. Jeremiah Wright and William Ayers of the Weather Underground. Obama will say he won’t attack McCain, but we know it’s because, as Chris Rock said in his HBO special Kill the Messenger, all of McCain’s friends are dead! Well the Famed Posse won’t lie to you. Justin the Franchize, Rob the Legend, and the Brother Dwight will tell you the same thing: 1SKILLZ ain’t nothing to mess with. As far as foreign policy goes, I should be fine. I’ve been to Spain, the Brother Dwight is in England, and, most importantly, I know how to use Google Earth. I’ll take care of you America, no matter who you are. Whether you’re Joe the Plumber or Joe Schmo, John Doe or Jane Doe, Joe Six-pack or Big Fat Man, MADDSKILLZ is coming at ya. I have many other issues I could be getting to, but I didn’t buy enough time to share them all with you. After all, I’m still paying tuition. I leave you with this America. Voting is like going to the bathroom. They’ll give you privacy, and it’s your business. You might not think much of it, but you better do it or you’ll crap your draws. So stop walking with skid marks, go to the bathroom, and vote for me, Lawrence Murray of the West Coast party. Because no one has fresh draws to give you in this economy. Good night America. And good morning Vietnam.”
MADDSKILLZ Update (November 08)
-I figured that there is a happiness equation. It is (what you have) / (what you want). In plain English, happiness is everything that you have divided by everything you want. For it to work, you can want everything, but you can only count the things you have that are relative to what you want. The higher the fraction, the happier you are probably. However, if you don’t want anything, you can’t be happy. Remember, you can’t divide by zero. (June 09)
-People’s Facebook statuses the week of the election, without putting any of them here (most of you know already), made me wonder what Facebook statuses from 1992 would’ve looked like… “RUSSELL ‘RustaRuss’ WILLIS just voted for the first black president, Bill Clinton!” (December 08)
MADDSKILLZ Update (December 08)
-I had Lola and Lydia on an episode of 1SKILLZ-FM, and we did a shoot promo. You’ve heard of friends with benefits … how about friends with HEALTH benefits?! (May 09)
-Potentially Overheard: “It’s cold as Dentyne Ice out here! My breath already smells better just from breathing the air!” (January 09)
-I’ve been tracking the success of Lady Gaga (not really) and she reminds me of Lil Mama in terms of her name. I think it is interesting how musical artists are going with progressively infantile stage names. This is a brilliant idea, as babies everywhere can learn to say “Lady Gaga” earlier in life than, say, Lupe Fiasco, and be downloading her music off of Limewire by the age of two! In future news, Lupe Fiasco has decided against renaming himself “Papa Dada”. (April 09)
-I have a recreation and leisure class this semester, and one of the things we talk about is happiness. As in, who is happy in this world, and why? What can make you happy? Call me crazy, but I think nudity makes people happy. Think about it. Nobody is angry or sad when in the nude! And if you ran outside right now with no clothes on, you’d have to be a happy person to do that. So that’s my advice for this month: if you aren’t feeling happy, it’s probably because you’re wearing too much. (February 09)
MADDSKILLZ Update (January 09)
-Actually, that pay-per-view matchup is just the undercard to the main event: Chris Brown vs. Jay-Z! Now, this would have been the perfect time for a Fun with Lyrics segment, featuring Chris Brown. For those longing for that recurring segment, refer to Donovan Moore. I have plenty to say about the situation involving Chris Brown and Rihanna on my own though! For one, Chris Brown is a man, and that’s it! I usually do not get biblical in the MADDSKILLZ Update, but Romans 3:23 says that, “For all have sinned, all fall short of God’s glorious standard.” In laymen’s terms, all of us have (and will) screw up. So why are we so damn shocked and surprised that Chris Brown beat his equally famous girlfriend, as if celebrity domestic violence doesn’t exist?!? Just because Chris Brown sings on some high-culture level, it doesn’t mean he’s incapable of some darkness. In fact, when I heard about it, my first reaction wasn’t “oh my stars, what in the name of Ludacris happened to Chris Brown?!” It was “First Ike and Tina, then Bobby and Whitney, and now Chris and Rihanna.” The main difference, of course, is that we KNEW Ike Turner and Bobby Brown had a little “wild and crazy” in them. Chris’ problem is that he’s too clean! That’s why his music is currently off the radio! People aren’t used to a violent Chris Brown. Likewise, they held his relationship with Rihanna to idealistic standards that were doomed to be a disappointment. Of course, it didn’t have to turn to such drastic measures. And what Chris Brown did to Rihanna is quite drastic and it puts both of them under the microscope for the duration of the relationship; in Chris Brown’s case, possibly the duration of his career. Nobody had a clue that he had it in him, and now he has drawn the negative attention of reformed pimp Jay-Z (who “discovered” Rihanna some five years ago)! This will be an interesting pay-per-view! But I doubt it ends happily ever after. (March 09)
-What does the PTC like to see more, commercials about making men larger or porn stars holding microphones on the news? (July 09)
-I have documented my struggle to stay away from naps in the past. I once compared naps to candy; I’ll let you figure that one out. Every time I take a nap, I wind up sleeping for at least three hours! I loved the siestas in Spain, but I don’t think I have recovered. I always oversleep during the day, I have to roll out of bed on to the floor to break dormancy, and I have to make conscious efforts NOT to sleep. Because of these issues, I have entered a special rehabilitation program called Sleep Rehab. The goal of Sleep Rehab is to enjoy sleep, not abuse it. Even though I only have class three days a week, I no longer sleep in. I no longer take naps, opting instead to brush my teeth or spray Febreeze. And I bought bean bags that look like trash bags, which makes it easier to crash on something other than my bed! I would say Sleep Rehab is working so far, but I went to sleep at 9:30 last night… (October 08)
-The worst thing in America right now? Call me crazy, but I think the way people do politics is the reason why there is so much societal unrest. I’m not even talking about politicians! I’m talking about everyday individuals who only think with one side of their brain. Some people love politics (RE: hate political adversaries) like they’re cheering on a sports team! Or rather, just straight up booing the other team constantly. Only in sports, there’s the redeeming factor that it’s a game and that you can show sportsmanship. There is no such thing as sportsmanship in politics, so people just lob attack bombs relentlessly. And a lot of those political attacks hit unintended targets. I trust no politician, I don’t believe in any elected officials. Politicians talk about issues and problems all the time, but their solutions are usually weak or nonexistent. For example, you have people who criticize Obama’s health care plan as being expensive and socialist. Hell, it might be. But those same people who criticize it have no solutions to the problem, plus they’re complaining about not getting as much free will to pick doctors (or something like that) while apparently ignoring all the people who don’t have health care at all! That’s the bigger problem right? But I’m going to stop, because I see I’m talking about a national problem without any solutions myself! (August 09)
MADDSKILLZ Update (February 09)
-In Cincinnati, the Archdiocese has issued a detailed list of inappropriate behaviors for priests, which includes kissing children, tickling children, and wrestling children. Priests are also prohibited from sipping from the fountain of youth, fighting father time, and remaining young at heart. No word on whether or not priests are allowed to shop in Toys-R-Us, Kids Foot Locker, or babyGap. (September 08)
-Good things come to those who wait. Better things come to those who just take it. (November 08)
-People worry about haters too much, and don’t focus on love enough… even if this is Hate on 1SKILLZ Day (and Everybody’s Celebratin’). (January 09)
-After two years, Emmitt Smith has mercifully been let go by ESPN, or as he would say, he got “blowed out”… (March 09)
MADDSKILLZ Update (March 09)
-“You can lose a lot of money chasing women, but you’ll never lose women chasing money.” I agree with the first part. Chasing women never did anything positive for a man’s pocket. However, a lot of couples break up because a man is chasing a career (chasing money). And what if you do nothing but focus on your job and your career, and have no time to even get involved with any women? Of course you’ll never lose women chasing that money. You won’t have any women to lose! So yes, you can lose women chasing money. (May 09)
-I don’t need a full body massage tonight, but does anybody know where I can get a half body massage? (September 08)
-Potentially Overheard on TBS during Major League Baseball playoffs: “While we have a break in the action, let’s show tonight’s “Dirty-Ass Fan of the Night”, bought to you by Irish Spring. Irish Spring, smell like you’re worth exploring!” (October 08)
-If every kiss begins with Kay, does that mean every kiss ends in “Why?” (December 08)
MADDSKILLZ Update (April 09)
-LOL. Laughing Out Loud. Who really laughs out loud reading stuff online?! I hate writing it because chances are, I’m not laughing. But I have to. It’s like a “mood-lightener” for me. It’s one of the most obvious crutches in online conversation! But I’m struggling to find an alternative for it. LOL! (February 09)
-That Encyclopedia Brown sure turned out to be a disappointment… (April 09)
-I think it would be cool if Cars.com’s David Abernathy, the extremely confident prodigy, were to meet Dos Equis’ The Most Interesting Man in the World … I’m sure Abernathy could be the designated driver. (June 09)
-I think misogyny gets too much attention. I’m all for philogyny. (October 08)
MADDSKILLZ Update (May 09)
-Barack Obama wants to keep his BlackBerry in order to keep up with the world that exists outside of the Presidency. I say he should… after all, how else is he going to communicate with terrorists?! (December 08)
-It’s Spring Broke, which is a perfect time to visit RetardNation! These two stories are tied together, and all have standard residence in RetardNation. First there is the chimpanzee story. This woman kept a 200 pound chimp named Travis since 1995, and when her husband died in 2004, all she had was Travis. Now, we get caught up in what I like to call “The Disney effect.” This is when we don’t realize the dangers behind the cuteness. Chimps are seen as borderline human, and they smile all the damn time. But when they smile, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re happy to see you. It means they have teeth dammit! But back to Travis. He was involved in two other incidents prior to this year, but apparently this woman didn’t take the hint that maybe having a chimpanzee as a pet wasn’t a great idea. And the day that Travis destroyed the woman’s friend’s face, he had been fed Xanax, a HUMAN prescription drug! This was bad enough, but because the actions of RetardNation are contagious, the New York Post decided to make a social commentary in the form of a political cartoon. The cartoon depicted two white police officers shooting a chimpanzee and saying that someone else will have to write the next stimulus bill. Now, you could argue that the chimpanzee was meant to represent Nancy Pelosi or the legislators who wrote up the bill, or that George W. Bush was portrayed as a chimpanzee multiple times throughout his presidency. Even if those were the cases, it does not make it any less retarded because you are dealing with assassination! And the fact that it is much easier to see the connection to Barack Obama (who just so happens to be black AND the President who signed the damn bill) should have caught the attention of the New York Post’s editors! But such moral decisions are seldom made in RetardNation. (March 09)
-And finally, a Picture of Childhood: “So, Grandpa told me why you and Mom broke up. Is it true that he gets it in more than you do?” (April 09)
MADDSKILLZ Update (June 09)
ONE SHOT (May 09): Mark 10:17-31 tells the story of a rich man who wanted to follow Jesus, but would not give up his wealth in order to follow him and wound up walking away. The lesson? Knowing the keys of life is not the challenge. It is the means in which to obtain the ends that break people. Sometimes people complain about what they do not have in life, but they do not want to take the steps necessary to get what they want. Keeping this in mind, I have no regrets about my four years at California University of Pennsylvania. I’ve had myriad disappointments here: my relationship status, not getting out enough, staying under the radar, letting people misconceive me, etc. I came in inexperienced in 2005 … I got injured at the end of my freshman year … I embarrassed myself repeatedly and wanted to leave Cal by the end of sophomore year … I fell back and reinvented by the end of 2007 … I was established in 2008 … and now I’m graduating as the most known unknown in 2009. All of my classes, my jobs here, the professors, teammates, everything… I thank everybody who had anything to do with me; positive or negative. Now… when I graduated with FCS 2005, I said the MADDSKILLZ Update was going to get homies through college. Fast forward to now, and after 70 MADDSKILLZ Updates, I have to seriously consider the future of the MADDSKILLZ Update. This is my 6th season writing this, and I think I’ve lost more people than I’ve gained or kept close to me. Every MADDSKILLZ Update I write I consider a part of my best work. But it gets disappointing to know that my best work is not being seen by my intended audience month after month. All I’m saying is that I’m closer to the end of the MADDSKILLZ Update than the beginning. So peace out Cal U. You have more reason to read the MADDSKILLZ Update now that I’m getting my walking papers! No matter what happens … I GOT SKILLZ. MADDSKILLZ!
MADDSKILLZ Update (July 09)
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Y’all don’t understand…
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. I want to thank the Planet Earth for getting me this far…
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Peace to 1983!
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Still available in Sober Definition.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Free Lawrence Murray!
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Guaranteed or my money back.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Now circulating in all 57 states!
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Graduate or die tryin’.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Outta here.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Go hungry, your enemies.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. A historic thriller that’s bad, dangerous, invincible, and off the wall.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. That burning smell means it’s working!
MADDSKILLZ Update (August 09)