Nov 19 2013

MADDSKILLZ Update (Best of the MADDSKILLZ Update)

Best of MADDSKILLZ Update (2003-2010)
1SKILLZ Management (


Quote of the Month (SEASON 1)- “(Pay attention, people.) I have skills. Mad skills.” –Lawrence Murray (August 03)

Quote of the Month (SEASON 2)- “I have Sex next…Sex is easy, Sex is fun…Then I’m free the rest of the day…” Kyree Brown, discussing how his schedule for the rest of the day included his Sex and Society class and free blocks the rest of the day (October 04)

Quote of the Month (SEASON 3)- “I want everyone to enjoy their weekend, but be safe…don’t end any lives…AND DON’T BEGIN ANY LIVES!!” Dr. Thomas Mueller, at the end of Geography class (September 05)

Quote of the Month (SEASON 4)- “I don’t have things in common with people. THEY have things in common with ME. Don’t get it twisted.” Sarah Barner (December 06)

Quote of the Month (SEASON 5): “They’re killing me. They’re killing my family. They’re killing my coaching staff. Kill the White Sox fans. They kill the owner. They kill everyone. I hope they feel the same way we feel. I hope somebody out there cares the way we care. Good guys or nice guys finish [expletive] last. I’m tired of seeing that [crap], day in and day out. And I don’t want to spend a miserable September seeing the same [crap]. If I have to see the same [crap], I told Kenny, ‘Bring somebody up. [Expletive] it.’ If it’s my fault, I should be moving out of here then. If it’s my fault, [expletive] fire my ass and I’ll be fine. I have the job to do, and I get paid a lot of [expletive] money to make this club work, but it’s not easy to work with people like that. It’s not easy.” Ozzie Guillen, Chicago White Sox manager. (Ozzie also probably said the following: “Look they kill the White Sox, they kill the Cubs, downtown, Bridgeport, Lincoln Park, the rough South Side of Chicago, killing fans in Minnesota, Kansas City, them boys up in Detroit, they killing the team president’s whole family, Ozzie Guillen ain’t nobody to mess with, the AL Central, the whole damn American League, the Black Sox of 1919! Ozzie Guillen ain’t nobody to mess with, all over Major League Baseball, Barry Bonds, Hank Aaron, they killing everyone. Ozzie Guillen ain’t nobody to mess with, just ask Mariotti! Chicago White Sox can let me go, it’s not safe anymore! Peace.”) (September 07)

Quote of the Month (SEASON 6): “For the longest time I thought Jon and Kate Plus Eight was a porno,” Lauren Hovey (July 09)

Quote of the Month (SEASON 7): “Sun chips bad. Sun Chips good. Sun Chips do stuff that your chips wish they could.” Charrose’ King, about chips that are better than yours. (June 2010)

1SKILLZ LOGOFIRST THOUGHTS (SEASON 1) (August 04) – I’ll be honest after not being honest, if that’s possible. I wasn’t expecting to do an update this month, and I told almost no one. Number one, my computer’s hard drive wasn’t working most of this month, but the new drive came a week early. That’s all good, but I had a really bad Friday night as well, another “cultural disagreement” with my Dad that turned into a nasty fight. I’m obviously over it though, so let me say that: August is the most uneventful month of the year. Sure my brother turns 13 in 5 days. That is IT! Let’s run through the months of the year real quick: January (first month of the new year, and my birthday five days later), February (Valentine’s Day, where everyone thinks they’re in love), March (St. Patrick’s Day, where everyone figures out Valentine’s Day was overrated and they get drunk and have a one-night stand), April (holy and commercialized month #1), May (Memorial Day…and one of those parental holidays), June (Memorial Day #2 [graduations] and one of those parental holidays), July (Independence Day and Nikka’s b’day), September (Labor Day…an oxymoron of a holiday), October (two of the worst excuses for a holiday in Columbus Day and Halloween), November (Thanksgiving), and December (holy and commercialized month #2). I rest my case…

FIRST THOUGHTS (SEASON 6) (November 08): *The MADDSKILLZ Update interrupts your regularly scheduled Daylight Savings Time special to bring you a message from the 1 with the SKILLZ*

“Good evening America and good morning Vietnam. I am the 1 with the SKILLZ, Lawrence Murray. I am running for President of the United States of America as a member of the West Coast party. Because ain’t no party like a West Coast party, because a West Coast party don’t stop. I realize that at the age of 21, I’m technically not supposed to be running for President. However, my campaign has been handing out Sharpies, sticky notes, and lipstick since December, so I’m sure you can do what I’ll be doing- writing my name in. That’s right; the West Coast party is intent on getting a candidate on the ballot. And this year the 1 with the SKILLZ will not only be on the ballot but also, with the help of America, in the White House. And please don’t get angry people; I’m only calling you all America because I don’t know your names individually. We’ve seen over the last month what the main candidates are trying to throw at us. Barack Obama is trying to be the 2008 version of Mays Gilliam! This is scary America. Almost as scary as the name “Barack Obama.” Just admit it America. You’re scared to vote for a man named Barack Obama. I realize it’s not even because he’s black, because if Obama was white and his name was still Barack Obama, you’d be even more scared. I understand this America, which is why I decided before the election to change my name from Osama bin Larry to the more politically correct name Lawrence Murray. This is a change you can believe in. And if you don’t believe it, that’s fine, but I’m still the 1 with the SKILLZ and that will not change. And as far as John McCain goes, I’m not even sure if he’s running for president! Who is really running for President? Is it John McCain? Or is it John McCain’s record? John McCain, or Sarah Palin’s future? John McCain, or General Betray Us? John McCain, or the anthropomorphic offspring of a moose and an elephant? That’s right, anthropomorphic. That means a non-human creature or being that is attributed human characteristics, like Goofy. This ain’t George W. Bush running for President over here. Anyway, based on the debates America, I’m not even sure anymore! To those who question why I do not have a running mate, I’m still single. I can tell you that to have a running mate before a soul mate is not the American thing to do. A wise man told me that you can lose money chasing girls, but you won’t lose girls chasing money. Likewise, you can lose focus on the issues when you chase running mates AND potential soul mates. But if you stay focused on the issues, of which a big issue right now is the economy, you will eventually find a running mate, and maybe even a soul mate. This is why I’m laid back. With my mind on the money and the money on my mind. I can say that my running mate will probably be a midget or Chelsea Clinton, the love child of great politicians Bill Clinton and Hillary Rodham Clinton. Joe Biden has said that if Obama gets elected President, he will probably face an international crisis in six months. Well you better not remove me, because with running mates like mine, America will be facing a NATIONAL crisis within six WEEKS. Actually, no matter what candidate you vote for, we’re probably facing a national crisis within six weeks anyway. Just being honest America. Voting for me would be better than voting for Ralph Nader or any other third-party candidate. You see, Nader knows he can’t win the election! He just wants enough percentage of the votes so that Obama or McCain will focus on his issues. Well, in the West Coast party we call this tactic the “sacrifice fly”, like in baseball. In other words, you know you’re not scoring, but you hope to get the ball just high enough to get your man on third base! Not me America. We’re losing and we have two outs. I’m swinging for homeruns. Now I understand there are questions about my experience. As I mentioned before, John McCain is using his record to run for president. Well, I searched everywhere for John McCain’s record. I looked everywhere records were sold, I looked on iTunes, YouTube, and in Billboard magazine, f.y.e., Wal-Mart, Scratch’s Old School Record Shop on 9th and 24th Avenue, and I couldn’t find his anywhere. I asked bootleggers about John McCain’s record, and they looked at me like I was crazy. Fact of the matter is, America, John McCain has no record! Lawrence Murray has a record though! It’s called Self-Titled Album and is available for public viewing at There hasn’t been a President with a record since Eric B. in Paid in Full. And that was a great record. Another thing that I had to look into is John McCain and Sarah Palin’s extensive use of the term “Maverick”. First of all, the Dallas Mavericks opened their season this past Thursday night, and not only did they lose to the Houston Rockets, McCain and Palin didn’t even get in the game! This is unacceptable America. We should have a better representative of the White House than the Dallas Mavericks. And don’t think that you are getting the best basketball player in Obama. From what I can tell, Obama has no right hand, so I’d like to see him score on me! Obama has also been criticized for not reaching over party lines, something that John McCain says that he has done and will continue to do. As President, I promise you America that I will not only reach over party lines; I will step over them over and over again. Because that’s what we need in Washington; a habitual line-stepper. I’ll step over the lines so much; you would think I had a piece of chalk everywhere I go, just so I can draw lines. I’ll step over the lines so much; you’d think I was playing hopscotch. I don’t give a damn. And go ahead America, talk to my friends. Obama is becoming a victim of the people he knows such as Rev. Jeremiah Wright and William Ayers of the Weather Underground. Obama will say he won’t attack McCain, but we know it’s because, as Chris Rock said in his HBO special Kill the Messenger, all of McCain’s friends are dead! Well the Famed Posse won’t lie to you. Justin the Franchize, Rob the Legend, and the Brother Dwight will tell you the same thing: 1SKILLZ ain’t nothing to mess with. As far as foreign policy goes, I should be fine. I’ve been to Spain, the Brother Dwight is in England, and, most importantly, I know how to use Google Earth. I’ll take care of you America, no matter who you are. Whether you’re Joe the Plumber or Joe Schmo, John Doe or Jane Doe, Joe Six-pack or Big Fat Man, MADDSKILLZ is coming at ya. I have many other issues I could be getting to, but I didn’t buy enough time to share them all with you. After all, I’m still paying tuition. I leave you with this America. Voting is like going to the bathroom. They’ll give you privacy, and it’s your business. You might not think much of it, but you better do it or you’ll crap your draws. So stop walking with skid marks, go to the bathroom, and vote for me, Lawrence Murray of the West Coast party. Because no one has fresh draws to give you in this economy. Good night America. And good morning Vietnam.”

1SKILLZ LOGO-(SEASON 7) And now, Friar Lawrence for Old Spice Body Wash: Hold thy desperate hand! Art thou a man? Thou form cries out thou art; thy tears are womanish, thy wild acts denote the unreasonable fury of a beast. Unseemly woman in a seeming man! Or ill-beseeming beast in seeming both! A pack of blessings light upon thy back, yet you use the lady-scented body wash instead of Old Spice. Fie, fie, thou shamest thy shape, thy love, thy wit, which, like a usurer, abound’st, and usest none in that true use indeed which should bedeck thy shape, thy love, thy wit. Go get thee to thy love, as was decreed, ascend her chamber, hence and comfort her by smelling like Old Spice and not a lady. I’m on a horse. (June 2010)

-(SEASON 2) (December 04) …the squad opened the season by jumping out at Chestnut Hill Academy by 25 points before they scored at all, and we won by about the same total (I had 7). We celebrated by jumping into the bleachers and attacking all of the FCS community in attendance.

-(SEASON 3) (December 05) Attention Window Shoppers! You’ve seen 50 Cent’s new movie, you’ve heard his new album, you read his new book, and you probably even played his rated M video game. So now G-Unit Community Projects brings to you the Candy Shop, 50 Cent’s holiday shopping center for hustlers and gangstas everywhere. The place has been shot up a few times, and will be evicted effective January 2, 2006. But all that means is that the Candy Shop will be having its Holiday Blowout sale this month! Everything must go, and not Just a Lil Bit. We have it all, the movie, the album, the book, the video game, some leftover Wanksta dolls, and a few Magic Sticks. So don’t ask 21 Questions, and before you get In Da Club, make your way over to 50 Cent’s Candy Shop (Warning: no actual candy will be sold at 50 Cent’s Candy Shop. All rappers that have beef with 50 Cent will be forced to participate in a live Piggy Bank remix video, to be shot during the eviction of 50 Cent’s Candy Shop. 50 Cent’s Candy Shop is also unsuitable for all minors under the age of 18, unless you are going to actually buy something).

-(SEASON 5) (August 08) Fun With Lyrics: D! M! X! Rapper DMX was arrested this past month in Phoenix on suspicion of theft and (get this) identity theft. Authorities say that D! M! X! gave the name “Troy Jones” and an incorrect Social Security number to avoid paying medical expenses. I had the Brother Dwight over and my brother immediately played the music video “What’s My Name?” It is clear that DMX wants to “Stop Being Greedy” and share costs with others, but the man who kept shouting “What’s My Name?!!” is really confusing us. Now, what IS his name?! Is it D! M! X? Is it Earl Simmons? Is it Troy Jones? Is it Darius Martin Xavier? Darko Manuel XI? Sean Combs? Is the name DMX “Slippin’”? Is there a new “Ruff Ryders Anthem” that suggests you stop, drop, and change names before you open up shop? Are you allowed to “Party Up” with just any name? So many questions and only DMX knows “How’s It Goin’ Down”…

-(SEASON 7) Was I the only one who saw the Tiger Woods “comeback” Nike advertisement featuring the voice of his late father Earl Woods and thought of that scene in The Lion King where the ghost of Mufasa tells Simba to take his place in the circle of life? It was like Nike was old Rafiki in this whole thing! Something tells me that Nyla Woods is still pissed. (May 2010)

-(SEASON 4) (May 07) And here, back again, the unexpected return of RetardNation. First off…”Nappy-headed hoes”?! This coming from Don Imus?! Takes one to know one Don. That cowboy hat isn’t there for decoration people. If anyone is a nappy-headed ho, it’s Don Imus. And to top it off, his face looks like Iron Man’s. I would say all jokes aside, but this isn’t BET, it’s the MADDSKILLZ Update, so I’m coming at all sides here. Anyone who was satisfied with Don Imus’ firing should know the real deal if they don’t already. If Imus was fired for what he said just this one time on the air, Al Sharpton never would’ve been involved in this mess (come to think of it, why does every time a white person says something racially insensitive they run to Al Sharpton, or Jesse Jackson, or BET, like Imus did, Michael Richards did, and in 2002 Trent Lott, respectively? It’s like they’re the principal in all this)! I personally wanted to hear from somebody that Don Imus didn’t get fired for his words, but for his BS LAME-ASS “apology”. You know what he kept trying to tell Sharpton: “It was stupid, I should’ve never said it, and I’ll never say it again”, something to that extent. Come the hell on Don! Don’t you know who you are? You are Don Imus!!! You have a history, a reputation, for saying some real stupid things, attacking all races, lifestyles, and what have you. You are so messed up even Howard Stern hates you! You were able to keep your job before mainly because you didn’t lie and say you’re not going to say dumb and blatantly offensive things. You know why you got fired Don? Because even if you kept your job, you had two options: offend someone, or go mute and not have a show anyway. It’s that simple! Now I know, you were thinking to yourself, “How do I get fired when I hear the same language from other races and nothing is made of it? I mean, the only reason I said that is because I was walking down the street, I heard it, and I thought to myself ‘I should throw that in the show somehow.’” Now I may very well be wrong, and just like everything I write, I open this up to discussion, but this has more to do with WHO you called “nappy-headed hos” than the words themselves: a college basketball team of strong women whose majority of their players happens to be African-American. Needless to say, they’re not hos Don. As a point of comparison, Snoop said in 93, “We don’t love them hos!” This is a repeated verse in hip-hop among rappers and civilians both of all races. Is it wrong? Yes. So how does Snoop Dogg (and everyone else for that matter) get off the hook but Imus gets fired? Because Snoop did NOT say something like: I don’t love that ho, that lives down the street from me, I see her every day, her name is Tina Robinson, she lives at 96 West Crenshaw Street in San Marcos, in fact, there she is RIGHT THERE!! “Ho” is a general term Don, and whoever takes offense has every right to, but they can’t make nothing of it when it is left as general. You decided to be specific, and that got your ass rightfully lit. Also, people should not worry too much about losing their freedom of speech. Imus had freedom of speech; you don’t see the government getting involved, and black people everywhere, as much as they probably want to, cannot whup Don’s ass without getting their asses whupped by the cops. That, my friends, is freedom of speech. This is why these same people who were offended by Don Imus’ words and Michael Richards’ words should take some real action and stop using those words. If anyone is truly offended by these incidents (and you are kidding yourself if you think this won’t come up again), they’ll stop making excuses for themselves as to why they can use certain words but others can’t. All of this said, Imus will find something to do in RetardNation. There’s a radio station there that needs him.

– (SEASON 6) In Cincinnati, the Archdiocese has issued a detailed list of inappropriate behaviors for priests, which includes kissing children, tickling children, and wrestling children. Priests are also prohibited from sipping from the fountain of youth, fighting father time, and remaining young at heart. No word on whether or not priests are allowed to shop in Toys-R-Us, Kids Foot Locker, or babyGap. (September 08)

-(SEASON 3) (April 06) Chances are if you’ve seen Maury Povich, you’ve seen an episode of extremely huge babies and their clueless parent(s). Now, the first 20 times, it was sad. It wasn’t until the 21st time, when I was actually eating with Brian B-waite and some more soccer players that I came up with a damn terrible idea. See I was thinking, with a kid that big, you immediately start calling some NFL scouts and pro trainers and make that kid into a model offensive or defensive lineman! And it all starts with a new line of training I like to call Baby FAT. That’s right, Baby FAT, specializing in made for 200 pound 5 year old’s everywhere! Free weights, machines, milk, we have it all at Baby FAT. We even have special Baby FAT muscle shirts, since all these kids come on Maury’s show with nothing on but a custom diaper. Innovative? Yes. Retarded? It’s April Fool’s Day.

-(SEASON 5) (November 07) I was talking to Melitza about how people always get tired enough to sleep in some classes, and I developed another great terrible idea. There should always, at some point of every day, in every level of education (college, high school, middle school, lower school, preschool) be a designated naptime. Now we are in college, and it is difficult to be taken serious if you just have “naptime”. This is why I have developed the idea of NapClass. That’s right, NapClass (ZZZ 100). You go into a room, and the lights are dim, the chairs are just comfortable enough to take notes and go to sleep in, and a black and white video of the most draining professors at your college plays on the screen. I don’t know about the rest of you all, but I’m taking this class next semester. In fact, I may take it five times a week.

-(SEASON 2) (February 05) In tech news, Bill Gates is out for the season with a torn AOL…

-(SEASON 1) (November 03) I’m going to get this procrastinating out of my system. I am so good at it though…

-(SEASON 1) – (March 04) False Player Reputation does not apply to me. Just to clear that up…I have no reputation, and if I was a player, I would hate myself…

-(SEASON 7) And since we’re on the topic of uninvited dedication to addressing pressing issues, we enter the world of RetardNation! In this month’s visit, we wonder what in the hell Kanye West was trying to do at the VMAs, and it’s funny that anyone would think this has much to do with anybody other than Kanye! “Why would he do this to Taylor Swift, she’s just a baby, pobrecita!” Listen, I like Taylor Swift just as much as the next black man, but Kanye’s vigilance had nothing to do with Taylor Swift, Beyoncé, or even Michael Jackson! This had everything to do with the very man who is being cursed by you all, Kanye West! After the South Park “Fishsticks” episode I thought two things: That Kanye West is a gay fish, and that maybe, just maybe, he realized that he has a ridiculous ego problem. Now I think about that episode, and I think Kanye West is a genius! You see, Kanye West is an entertainer. It is his job to keep you entertained, whether it is voluntarily or by interrupting people during award shows. Would it have mattered if he did not make an appearance at this year’s VMA’s? Hell no, but Kanye thought of a perfect Jedi Mind Trick to take attention AWAY from Taylor Swift and Beyoncé and bring it unto himself! Retarded? Yes. Genius? Hell yes! Let’s recap Kanye’s career shall we? Let’s start out at a time where Kanye’s head was of normal proportions. He drops out of college, gets signed to Roc-A-Fella, produces almost half of The Blueprint (the reason a lot of y’all care about Jay-Z to this day), then breaks his face using a car. The result? The College Dropout! He has your attention, and then on live TV for relief for Hurricane Katrina victims, he reminds us that George Bush doesn’t care about black people. That got people talking, and Late Registration was out that week! Then Kanye started crashing award shows, and at the 2007 VMAs criticized MTV for featuring Britney Spears more than him. Of course, 50 Cent was making things easy for Kanye by releasing his wack album on the same day as Graduation, which came out that week! And then, Kanye lost his mother and saw his engagement end … and also watched T-Pain’s popularity escalate: 808s & Heartbreak! Now his ego has taken hits from South Park, Jay-Z came out with “D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune)”, which Kanye contributed to, and now he’s climbing into a hole after getting drunk and crashing the VMAs! When he comes out with his next album, you know you’ll be on it! I’ve wanted to like Kanye West since ’03, but it gets harder and harder every year! The only reason I care about Kanye West is because I like his music. That is literally it! You and I are both thinking, “when Kanye stops making good music, SCREW HIM!” But, if Kanye thrives on being a jackass, then he truly is a genius! Plus, all of this is really Jay-Z’s fault. Jay-Z put Kanye on basically, Jay-Z married Beyoncé, and everything is Jay-Z’s fault anyway. Jay-Z is to Kanye West what Jerry Rice is to Terrell Owens, and it’s eating at Kanye, you can tell. (October 09)

-(SEASON 2) (August 05) About the only thing that I hear about this space shuttle is how many issues it has with it. You know something, science is messing us up! We shell out so much money to find out what’s going on in space, we come back with these crappy pictures that only the science populace can appreciate, and we’re putting people at risk just so we can see some rocks before Russia does. Live 8 just happened? Here’s what you do to raise some real awareness. Take all of those performers, and instead of putting them in cities around the northern hemisphere, stick them in a rocket ship and have them play up there, that will get people’s awareness up real quick: “Jay-Z and Linkin Park we’re out of this world!” “I know, but I wish Coldplay didn’t get stuck on Venus…”

-(SEASON 4) (November 06) Not to stay on topic, but me and my friend Chelsey (but mostly me) have picked up on a little technique people use that I like to call “The Look Off”. Now I keep my head up, so I try to talk to a lot of girls that I’ve probably already worn out my welcome with (that would be about, in theory, 93 % of the females I’ve met since 1998. I did an experiment and came up with that figure). Basically, I could have a class with someone, talk all the time for a few months almost, and a couple of months later, you see them, but they see you and go “not this bastard”. They prepare for “The Look Off”, but I see it coming, and I stare off too. But then I make eye contact, and the girl is too scared to keep looking off and is surprised to see you, like you climbed out of the sewer behind her a minute ago. In a way though, it is helpful to me when certain females employ the use of “The Look Off”, because I can then add that person to that 93 %…

-(SEASON 6) Good things come to those who wait. Better things come to those who just take it. (November 08)

-(SEASON 3) (November 05) Ok here’s the big thing, as the new NBA season kicks off: the new dress code. Now I don’t think it’s a bad idea to have ballers dress like pimps, as my man Jon Dellum likes to do anyway. And there is nothing wrong with being a professional and dressing like it. But the concept, to put it plainly and in Tim Duncan’s words, is “basically retarded”. What the league is trying to do is change the way people view the league and to develop a better reputation. That, ladies and gentleman, is BS. The way someone dresses may change the way a person looks at a person. But come on, let’s be real, it’s the NBA! So now that they’re wearing suit jackets and collars, everything is all right? You can stab somebody in a bar and spit on the man’s lady, but you better have a suit on while doing it! You can have kids in 13 NBA cities, but that was a nice tie you had on! You have weed in the backseat and a gun in the glove compartment? I would have never suspected, not with those slick gators on! Look, giving AI a makeover isn’t going to change the man, no matter how much he thinks it will. And the league will police their new brainchild, you better believe that… “What was that? Jesus was around his neck? In silver?! AND he was wearing a throwback? Ohhh no, that’s got to go right now…next thing you know he’ll be trying to rap and start fighting people”!

-(SEASON 6) If every kiss begins with Kay, does that mean every kiss ends in “Why?” (December 08)

-(SEASON 5) (July 08) Tacos, also known as Sloppy José’s. [11:35 PM]

-(SEASON 7) Damn it Arlen Specter. How dumb can a politician be?! When Joe Sestak ran that ad about Arlen Specter changing parties so he could be re-elected, I wrote in my mental notebook “election over.” Listen, the Famed Posse and the Intercontinental Bro Network (unofficial) could have told Arlen that you don’t just go to parties announcing your intentions straight up like that! Come on man, telling the voting public that your change in party will enable you to be re-elected (with the wish-sly off-the-record looking head nod to go with it) is right up there with saying to someone at the party that, “I’m going to this party to remain popular,” or telling a girl that you meet there that “I’m going to see who I can have my first child with here tonight,” or telling the guy dressed as a cop during a Christmas party that, “I’m here so I can see if I can get away with selling the grams of cocaine I have in my bag!” Really, way to be discreet about it man. (June 2010)

-(SEASON 2) (July 05) My brother recently broke out my old Super Nintendo from back in the day (1992). Super Mario World was the first game I ever played…now in 2005, older and more aware of the world, I can’t believe my eyes. The whole game is drug-infested. Mario gets “stronger” with three items, mushrooms (those are illegal), fire flowers (translation: “smoking” “weed”), and a feather that lets him fly (another way to get high). And if he catches a star, he becomes invincible. A hallucination like no other. Oh well…at least there wasn’t any driving in that game…he gets around on a green dinosaur with a long tongue if he’s lucky.

-(SEASON 4) (January 07) You know those bus cameras? They are there to prevent any dumbstuff from happening on the bus obviously, but I wouldn’t be surprised if none of those cameras work. I have a thing for spotting security cameras (guilty conscience), and everytime I walk into a room I look for a camera. You can seriously just stick a warning somewhere saying “you are being watched”, it wouldn’t make a difference. We live in a day and age where all you need to do is “show” you are packing security. Just look at the hood, you know for a fact that the only part of the Slomin’s Shield people have installed is the aluminum sign for the front yard.

-(SEASON 7) I don’t want anyone to fall in love with me; Aerosmith told me that falling in love is hard on the knees! Seriously, falling hurts man. I believe in falling OUT of love, but falling in it? That’s not what it feels like to me. Plus, it’s too easy to fall, just ask women in six inch heels. They probably fall in love all the time. No, I don’t fall in love. I’d rather fly in love. Get off the ground and grow higher in it, instead of trying to scuba dive in it and hope not to drown. Of course, flying in love has its obvious risks. The altitude can get uncomfortable and it takes some getting used to, not to mention you can get clipped and start falling. But I equate being in love to being on cloud nine sometimes. But falling in love? That sounds like a reluctant reaction, as if it’s meant to be fought. But even then, “in a sky full of people, only some want to fly. Isn’t that crazy?” (November 09)

-(SEASON 2) (April 05) Actions speak louder than words…how else could deaf people understand sign language?

-(SEASON 3) (August 06) And to end the update, this August 12th is International Youth Day. Celebrities everywhere will celebrate by bringing home an international youth.

1SKILLZ LOGOLAST CALL (SEASON 3) (January 06) – This one is easy, my homies Matt Cooper and Gerald Nelson, two fellow residents of Binns Hall and Philadelphia. Now they have their own versions of the following account, but here’s mine. I mentioned last month how I was looking forward to taking Greyhound after a sleep deprived on the plane. Man was I wrong. We all planned to leave campus at 5:00PM Thursday two weeks ago, be on the 11PM bus and arrive in Philly 5AM Friday morning. Good plan, only thing is one thing went wrong after another. First it was nasty outside all day long. It was nasty when we all dragged our stuff out to the first bus stop. But we were a half hour early. So we all got rained on. But 5:30 PM came, and we took the bus to a city in between California and Pittsburgh. After another half hour (and Gerald discussing midgets) the bus to Pittsburgh arrives. We get into Pittsburgh, get McDonald’s, and get ready to walk to Gerald’s girlfriend’s college. But you see, he had two bags, one of which was a 50 pound body bag that had lost about 1.5 of its wheels; I had four bags that I couldn’t figure out to manage; Cooper looked halfway normal with three bags. What should have been at most a 20 minute walk was a whole HOUR. I popped my hand, Gerald looked like a fugitive, and M. Cooper was around in between. We got to the place, the Art Institute of Pittsburgh, only to learn that the buses were cancelled because of the freezing rain. We wound up sleeping in Gerald’s girl’s dorm overnight, pissed because we weren’t going to be home anytime soon. We woke up, got to Greyhound’s bus station Friday at 12PM, didn’t get on the bus until 3. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I’ve got to get ready for more church, but I’ll return next month!

ONE SHOT (SEASON 7) (July 2010): (scene: A few hours after 1SKILLZ Pack-a-thon 2010 ended, Management usurped the 1 with the SKILLZ like the series finale of ALF and transported him to an undisclosed location for unknown reasons. For the purpose of the MADDSKILLZ Update, the undisclosed location was determined to be the observation deck of Philadelphia’s City Hall. 1SKILLZ gets off the glass elevator to find Management waiting the way Kirk Fogg waited for Olmec to start Legends of the Hidden Temple.)


1SKILLZ: Welcome? Welcome?! I just got done packing, and you decide to straight kidnap me? And take me to William Penn’s statue?! It’s 3 at night, who do you think you are, Eminem???

MANAGEMENT: For one thing, it’s 3 in the morning.

1SKILLZ: Well… yeah, that’s true…

MANAGEMENT: Secondly, we decided to keep you on Earth this time.

1SKILLZ: I see, thanks for being so convenient.

MANAGEMENT: It was the least we could do. The moon self-destructed last time.

1SKILLZ: You cannot be serious. That was a solar eclipse.


1SKILLZ: :SIGH: What do you want with me at this hour. I’ve been up all night. Whole crew was in there. And I’m not sure who I’m going to lose next year.

MANAGEMENT: You’re whole crew wasn’t there. The Brother Dwight is in New Hampshire with Keys. Rob the Legend is in Colorado. Justin the Franchize is MIA (he could be in Florida). Everyone you worked with just about has already escaped Philadelphia. And, well, we understand that NBA free agency officially started on the first of July.

1SKILLZ: I know! Seriously, LeBron’s gonna bolt. I don’t see how he comes back to Cleveland. Dwyane Wade? How crazy would it be if him and Chris Bosh went to Chicago!!! So many moves to be made!

MANAGEMENT: Yes, yes, this is what you are interested in, we understand that. But do you know why we bring up NBA free agency?

1SKILLZ: Because people don’t talk about the World Cup inside City Hall at 3AM…?

MANAGEMENT: Yes. And no.

1SKILLZ: Oh wait. This is about MY contract status?!

MANAGEMENT: Precisely.

1SKILLZ: What about it?

MANAGEMENT: We have checked your numbers, and have made some decisions.

1SKILLZ: You all suck at decisions. For one, you took me here to tell me you made some “decisions”.

MANAGEMENT: Well, our decision last year was that we decided it was best to let your contract signed in 2005 expire as originally planned.

1SKILLZ: You guys keep telling me stuff I’m already aware of! I should have held out while I had the chance in September…

MANAGEMENT: Well, we were sort of excited for you at the beginning of this season. We knew you had gone through changes in your life and now you aren’t at that inadequately named university. We were interested to see what a new chapter in your life would do for the MADDSKILLZ Update.

1SKILLZ: Well if you ask me, this has been a great season! I had some growing pains, but I’ve been on a roll I think.

MANAGEMENT: Is that what you see? Because we happen to disagree.

1SKILLZ: Are you kidding me? Are we looking at the same numbers? The same feedback? We can’t be.

MANAGEMENT: I’m not sure what you see. We see two numbers. 2,000, and a number well below 2,000.

1SKILLZ: Oh no. You are talking about something different…

MANAGEMENT: Yes, your tune is changing now.

1SKILLZ: Ok now, you can talk all you want about the “Save the MADDSKILLZ Update!” campaign, but I did WORK on that. I released 16 special compilations!!!

MANAGEMENT: Oh, very well of you to bring up those “Best of” compilations. And how much feedback have you gotten from them?

1SKILLZ: … Somebody wrote something. A few months ago?

MANAGEMENT: And even your holdout wasn’t genuine! How are you going to say you’re not going to engage in special projects, but then start contributing to TWO websites outside of the MADDSKILLZ Update?!

1SKILLZ: Hey now, NFL Touchdown is a great opportunity. And I know you don’t have a lot of friends bumming around high points of East coast cities, but I wanted to support my friends with Swagriculture. But I still released full MADDSKILLZ Updates for the people!

MANAGEMENT: Full MADDSKILLZ Updates? That reminds us. You said you would cut down on the length of the MADDSKILLZ Update, yet you still routinely release material that working class people cannot invest in.

1SKILLZ: What do you mean, I’m a working class person you know! I put in more service hours a week than ever before in life this year! And still found a way to produce on par!

MANAGEMENT: Well, and this is also from your holdout statement, you said that you would drop the average number of pages in the MADDSKILLZ Update from 6.1 pages. Do you have any idea where your numbers are at this year so far?

1SKILLZ: Actually I do. I’ve released the shortest season of MADDSKILLZ Updates in years. My longest Update this season was in October, and that was 7 pages, and it was my 75th Update, so kick hard rocks.

MANAGEMENT: Well, you’re July 2010 Update was your longest since then, and we just know you’ll release a long update next month. You can’t help yourself.

1SKILLZ: I helped your mom last night.

MANAGEMENT: If Chuck Norris was here your jaw would be broken!

1SKILLZ: Chuck Norris is old news, nobody refers to him or his roundhouse kicks anymore.

MANAGEMENT: Is that right? Well we have determined that the MADDSKILLZ Update is old news.

1SKILLZ: You all are making the wrong decision. I know that the “Save the MADDSKILLZ Update!” page only managed to get 313 fans, or likes, or whatever you want to call it. But I know you didn’t bring me to City Hall just to dismiss me like that.

MANAGEMENT: Well, we admired the fact that you continued to keep pushing your hopeless goals upon people who continue to have no idea what the MADDSKILLZ Update is after 7 years. 1SKILLZ: Honestly, I don’t even know what the MADDSKILLZ Update is.

MANAGEMENT: Well, now you don’t have to worry. You will release your final MADDSKILLZ Update in August.

1SKILLZ: I … I can’t just go out like that… That’s 7 years of my life. Of other people’s lives!


1SKILLZ: You all are selling me way short, but I guess I understand…

MANAGEMENT: Don’t feel bad. You even said, the MADDSKILLZ Update was for the people. And, well, because you felt like it. You may feel like doing the MADDSKILLZ Update still, but the people have decided.

1SKILLZ: Well, what if I get those 2,000 likes before August?

MANAGEMENT: That won’t happen. Plus, you’ve decided to leave Philadelphia. Again. You’re going to a completely strange land. We hope you know what you’re doing. Because your time in the city of Philadelphia is up.

1SKILLZ: What do you mean my time in Philadelphia is up? This is home! Or at least, it’s as close to home as I know… And since you are the authority on decision-making, what should my next move be if I can’t do the MADDSKILLZ Update anymore?

MANAGEMENT: Well, you’re the 1 with the SKILLZ. We imagine you’ll figure it out. For the moment, we suggest you get ready for your flight. Philadelphia is set to explode in less than 24 hours. Finish packing. And good luck.

(1SKILLZ made it back home and got ready to leave the city of Philadelphia for an indefinite amount of time. He had left the city every year since 2005, but this felt different. As for the city of Philadelphia … the city didn’t exactly explode. It turned out to just be fireworks at Penn’s Landing for the Fourth of July. But that’s not the point is it? Until the next time…)


This has been a MADDSKILLZ publication. If There Are Any Rights, I Reserve Them. For a Long Time.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ publication.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ publication. Not SKILLs. SKILLZ.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ publication. But you can give a Benjamin and we’ll talk.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Copyright 2003 and 2004, for all those thinking you can get over.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ UPDATE. This has been a MADDSKILLZ UPDATE. This has been a MADDSKILL…
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Sent to Pennsylvania, and Massachusetts, and New York, and Florida, and Georgia, and everywhere else…WHOOOAOAAOOA!!!
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Can You See it Now? Oh well, It’s 8 font. Maybe your friend wearing the rec-specs can.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. And I’m not fooling around.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Word to your mother.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Not your father’s MADDSKILLZ Update.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Letty says hi.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Also known as the MADDSKILLZ Update.

This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. No this will not be a Bad Boy Collaboration.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. For everything else, there’s MasterCard. Or next month’s Update.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. What? This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Why? This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Who? This has been a MA…
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Botany never tasted so wild.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Yes, the font did change for 05.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Break this heart if you want to…
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Esto ha sido un MADDSKILLZ Update.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. This is my show, bringing in Fool’s Gold.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Harder to start than a high school relationship.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Sending messages. Across the land.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. We got this.

This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. No wankstas allowed.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. I came, I saw, I established a party.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Yes, the surgeon is female.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. In Living Color.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. I don’t slow down at 30, I’m just beginning to rock.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Who needs a copyright when you can have a Xerox left.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. For the color blind.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. MADDSKILLZ Update?! Brilliant!
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Before you lose control.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. You’re teasing me, you know what I got, and I got what you need.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. But I’m not that angry.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Because the system wasn’t meant for us.

This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. I wrote this a long time ago, a really long time ago…in 06.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Hair and shape-up courtesy of Cyn and Spin.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Game, Score, Win, Loser.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. In school to learn the rules, in life to break the rules.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. More on this as it develops.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Easy enough.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Never met a wise man…if so, it’s a woman.
This has been a ETADPU ZLLIKSDDAM. Where no one cares that much about Ardmore.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. OOHHH NOOOO!!!!!
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Low brow but I rock a little know how.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Now featuring all words by Lawrence Murray in black letters, unless noted otherwise.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Get up, get out, and get something.

This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Press Start.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. I’m a man, I’m 20!
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Now available on Channel Zero.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. What’s my age again?
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Out of the blue, and into the black.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Diversify!
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. My philosophy promises to perplex.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. My worst isn’t as bad as your worst.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Remind me where this came from?
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Respect.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Rob cut me.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Get smacked by life.

This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Y’all don’t understand…
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. I want to thank the Planet Earth for getting me this far…
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Peace to 1983!
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Still available in Sober Definition.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Free Lawrence Murray!
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Guaranteed or my money back.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Now circulating in all 57 states!
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Graduate or die tryin’.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Outta here.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Go hungry, your enemies.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. A historic thriller that’s bad, dangerous, invincible, and off the wall.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. That burning smell means it’s working!

This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Can’t be your Superman, your Superman, your Superman.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Contains hazardous material, handle with extreme caution caution caution.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. My-my-my solitaire, my solitaire face.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Now accepting applications for Santa’s designated driver.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Keep laughin’, stay Smilin’.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. LA or bust…
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Gnarly.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. CYLAWSWCTL.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Beam me up, Scotty.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. ^^^Straight to the top^^^.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. 7/3/2010, 5:45pm PST, LAX.

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