MADDSKILLZ Update
Best of June
1SKILLZ Management (1maddskillz@gmail.com)
Quote of the Month- “No more pencils, no more books, no more teacher’s dirty looks,” Alice Cooper (June 04)
Quote of the Month- “You know what I’m going to do tomorrow?! I’m going to whup your a**, that’s what I’m going to do!” Justin Plummer (of the original famed posse), his repeated, unfulfilled threats turned catchphrase (June 05)
Quote of the Month- “There are parents, and there are adults who just happen to have children…” My Dad (June 06)
Quote of the Month- “…Separate’s always better when there’s feelings involved…” OutKast (Andre 3000), Hey Ya! (June 07)
Quote of the Month: “You have a quirky writing style and it works for you.” Mr. Todd Carlisle, my professor for Journalism II, reviewing my enterprise story about classroom decorum. By the end of this update, I think you’d agree with him. (June 08)
Quote of the Month: “In honor of President Obama’s new Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor, who saved the world by ending the Major League Baseball strike of 1994, I’d like to end with a baseball analogy … Right now, it’s the bottom of the ninth and we are down to our last out and last strike. Will our government take strike three looking? Or, will they wake up and save the day with a heroic three pointer on a penalty shot?” Glenn Beck on Supreme Court justices, China, and gay marriage. Look for Beck to be on Monday Night Football in 2010, replacing Jon Gruden when he leaves to become the head coach of the Washington Redskins. (June 09)
Quote of the Month: “Sun chips bad. Sun Chips good. Sun Chips do stuff that your chips wish they could.” Charrose’ King, about chips that are better than yours. (June 2010)
MADDSKILLZ Update (June 04)
First Thoughts (June 04)- It’s been a year at the end of the month that I met all my companions in New York and later Madrid and Antequera, and this is the month that people either get moved up, or, in seniors’ cases, moved out. I only have a few of those seniors’ destinations, but a few is enough, so I shall share them, as they go from the top of one garbage pile to the bottom of another…
-Genny (College of Charleston)
-Priya (George Washington)
-Christina S. (Tufts)
-Max (Duke)
-Michaela (Spellman)
-Lauren (Michigan)
-Caroleen (Yale)
-Jordan (New Jersey School of Knowledge)
Just a note, the translucent one has still not figured that name out, while uno and dos is still a mystery to them as well. Also, Jordan is NOT a senior, but she is already committed to being inside or next to the New Jersey School of Knowledge every now and then. Any other seniors can still let me know what’s up, but I have an update to do…
MADDSKILLZ Update (June 05)
First Thoughts (June 05) – The MADDSKILLZ Update from June 2004 featured the college choices of the people I went to Spain with the summer before. Now a year has passed, and I let my Spain peoples that were graduating this year give their college choices. Now, I only have a few, compared to last year, but numbers don’t matter. So, because I need a break, I’ll let them write the Update:
Jane M.: … I’m heading off to Amherst College in the fall. surprisingly, I have nothing more to add, except that I want to stay in touch with you and all the other after we all go out separate ways (even though we already were in separate places before…). Thanks!!
Nikka L.: I’m going to RiceU and I miss everyone and would really like to see them before I make my big departure. Nikka
Jordan D., (featuring Andrew H.): lorenzo, I’m going to Nyu College of arts and sciences next year and Andrew is going to bard college which is two hours north of NYC. Can you include that Andrew and I are still together and that if anyone is visiting Cape Cod this summer to email me or something. Thanks lorenzo
As for me, I’m going to California University of Pennsylvania (which is near Pittsburgh, not Burbank). Of course this is contingent on me passing my common knowledge of life test. To everyone in the program that didn’t get the e-mail in time (Billie), you can still let me know for the future. Break over: time to get rolling…
MADDSKILLZ Update (June 06)
-Today is my 16th birthday. Yes, I am well aware that my birthday is January 5, 1987. But when I turned 16 for real, I remember exactly what I did. I looked at myself in the mirror and whispered to myself “I can start driving now”. I remember this clear image, it was a Sunday. Well, to say the least, I screwed that up. But now I’m 16 again, I’m excited, I’m going to have MTV throw me a party Saturday and I’ll get a chocolate cake with 1+ 6 candles on it. I say all this because tomorrow I will finally take my first permit test. I plan on passing it, although it would be more appropriate if I bombed it before the July 06 update. In another development, I decided to continue my physical rehabilitation in downtown Philadelphia. Between that and all the money orders I’ve had to give to PENNDOT, my bank account is hurting 3 weeks after I left school. Growing up has given me an invitation from Broke Phi Broke. (June 06)
-Before Lisa went up to Massachusetts for the summer, she told me about one of her favorite shows,Avatar: The Last Airbender. The way she described the show and the airbenders, firebenders, waterbenders, and earthbenders reminded me of Captain Planet, a show me and Lisa agreed should have been a lot better than it turned out. Lisa and I then discussed what a Captain Planet movie would be like. I’m not talking sugarcoated animation here, it’s 2008. This needs to be a rated R, live-action haymaker for environmentalism! Lisa suggested that Al Gore should have a role in the movie somewhere; after all, global warming is supposed to be something Captain Planet should have an answer for right?! (June 08)
-The definition of ugliness is a naturally angry face. You know how a face can seem to smile even at its most relaxed state? And then there are some people who just look mad, even when they’re smiling and happy? But it’s not just genetics. It’s part attitude too. I have found that I’m decidedly less attractive to females who are pissed off all the time, as opposed to girls who, well, do not have tropical storms named after them. This probably makes sense for everybody, except for maybe Ne-Yo. (June 2010)
-If there’s one thing Charmin has taught me, it’s that bears use toilet paper… (June 06)
-A 13-year old boy from Indiana won the Scripps National Spelling Bee this past month. The winning word was “guerdon”, which means “something one earned or gained”. That’s great and all, but can he spell “southernplayalisticadillacmuzik”? (June 08)
-And now, Friar Lawrence for Old Spice Body Wash: Hold thy desperate hand! Art thou a man? Thou form cries out thou art; thy tears are womanish, thy wild acts denote the unreasonable fury of a beast. Unseemly woman in a seeming man! Or ill-beseeming beast in seeming both! A pack of blessings light upon thy back, yet you use the lady-scented body wash instead of Old Spice. Fie, fie, thou shamest thy shape, thy love, thy wit, which, like a usurer, abound’st, and usest none in that true use indeed which should bedeck thy shape, thy love, thy wit. Go get thee to thy love, as was decreed, ascend her chamber, hence and comfort her by smelling like Old Spice and not a lady. I’m on a horse. (June 2010)
-What the hell is up with Facebook?! They are taking yet another page from MySpace, with the applications and what not. I added about 4 of these things just yesterday, mostly music games, before coming to my senses and taking those damn things off. Now all Facebook needs to become MySpace is for it to be overtaken by wannabe porn stars. Oh wait… (June 07)
-I figured that there is a happiness equation. It is (what you have) / (what you want). In plain English, happiness is everything that you have divided by everything you want. For it to work, you can want everything, but you can only count the things you have that are relative to what you want. The higher the fraction, the happier you are probably. However, if you don’t want anything, you can’t be happy. Remember, you can’t divide by zero. (June 09)
-You know that coach that was fired for the Crybaby Award? The kid’s family cried and cried and their son wound up getting the new Dedication Award named after him. So let that be a lesson to you…cry and cry, and you will be rewarded handsomely. (June 04)
-I was riding through Overbrook and I saw a daycare center called “Past Your Bedtime Childcare”. Now what I want to know is, past whose bedtime? (June 06)
-In future news, a new line of clothing has debuted, targeting athletic old-heads approaching retirement. The Polyester Air Jordan line of clothing is specifically for AARP members who still want to dress comfortably without the usual flannel shirts and gray khakis. The Polyester Air Jordans will also debut with the special edition Air Jordan L/50. These shoes are available on a special 50% discount when purchased with Social Security Insurance, and feature the new “Oxygen” Air Jordan logo. (June 08)
-Kiss and tell: The reaction to someone else’s “kiss and told-you-so.” (June 2010)
-There is one kid that deserves to be lauded with the best of them. He is Dan Kaufman. The great one and only Dan Kaufman. Every one (DAMMIT EVERYONE) should have an opportunity to engage with Kaufman in a positive manner. Dan is the man. He is the MAN. You don’t unde-undestand. Dan is the MAN (It’s in his name, Dan Kauf MAN). I broke Kaufman’s watch once. He got mad. I never broke his watch again. I’m so happy I didn’t do something so foolish like that ever again! I was there when Dan Kaufman lost an apparently useless internal organ winning the soccer championship in goal. I was there! I played football on that field! I tried to wrestle Kaufman in middle school. He made me quit thinking I could wrestle! He is…damn, you just don’t know! He is huge, larger than life. Dan is 7’4’’, 634 pounds! He is HUGE! He is going to make the sport of lacrosse a great Native American tradition! Watch what I say here. It’ll happen. Unless Dan doesn’t want it to happen, and that is his decision. That’s his decision dammit, don’t you change Dan Kaufman’s mind!! (June 05)
-For his role as a cancer-stricken football player in the film Things Fall Apart, 50 Cent shed over 50 pounds. Or, in American currency, 73 dollars. (June 2010)
-As the hurricane season fast approaches, the city of New Orleans voted for Rayn agin. I meant rain again. I meant Ray Nagin. They voted for incumbent mayor Rayn agin. I guess Hurricane Katrina wasn’t enough. (June 06)
-Damn it Arlen Specter. How dumb can a politician be?! When Joe Sestak ran that ad about Arlen Specter changing parties so he could be re-elected, I wrote in my mental notebook “election over.” Listen, the Famed Posse and the Intercontinental Bro Network (unofficial) could have told Arlen that you don’t just go to parties announcing your intentions straight up like that! Come on man, telling the voting public that your change in party will enable you to be re-elected (with the wish-sly off-the-record looking head nod to go with it) is right up there with saying to someone at the party that, “I’m going to this party to remain popular,” or telling a girl that you meet there that “I’m going to see who I can have my first child with here tonight,” or telling the guy dressed as a cop during a Christmas party that, “I’m here so I can see if I can get away with selling the grams of cocaine I have in my bag!” Really, way to be discreet about it man. (June 2010)
-I was unfortunately in the same room as my mom when Oprah’s Legend’s Ball (or whatever the hell it was called) was on. I noticed that Oprah had two categories of Legends: the legends and the younguns. Now you apparently do not have to be young to be a youngun. And I’m not sure what category John Travolta would be in, but I’m sure he was there. In a related topic, Ice Cube joined Ludacris and 50 Cent as rappers who, to say the least, don’t approve of Oprah. Now I’ve had my own selective comments about Oprah in the past (see MADDSKILLZ UPDATE October 04 or FCS Yearbook 2005). I thought it was funny how Oprah tried to defend herself by revealing how she has “In Da Club” on her iPod. Listen, Oprah…so damn what you have 50 Cent on your iPod, I have Ashlee Simpson, R. Kelly, and Michael Jackson on my iPod (one Simpson track, a few from Michael, and 3 R. Kelly), and I’ve said all kinds of crap about them over the years, so it doesn’t help your cause too much. And do you think 50 cares if Oprah has his track on her iPod? Welcome to DA club Oprah. (June 06)
-I don’t look so far ahead that I lose track of what I’m supposed to be focusing on in the nearer future. If you look too far over the bridge, you’ll fall in the water. (June 08)
-99.9% of the time, we use the term 99.9% to describe something that we are 99.9% sure will happen, but also 99.9% sure that we shouldn’t use 100% to describe the same stakes, because 99.9% of the people who give a probability of 99.9% don’t want to be blamed 99.9% of the time they turn out to be wrong. Basically, 0.1% is a much larger percentage than anyone cares to recognize. And, 99.9% should have its own place in the dictionary. (June 2010)
-Scientists have discovered a link between Viagra and blindness. Makes sense, sometimes love is blind… (June 05)
-I see this is going to be a rough update, so let’s bring back RetardNation…this edition of RetardNation features a man from Omaha, NE who was convicted of sexually assaulting a 13 year old girl. However, he will not serve any jail time. Instead, he gets 10 years probation and is to stay away from minors. Why no jail time? Because he is 5’1”. The judge wanted to protect this guy because she thought jail would be too dangerous for him. What does that mean; he’ll get his head stuck in a steel toilet a few times?! That is just RETARDED! I think my 4’11” brother Michael puts it best: “If he is tall enough to rape someone, he’s tall enough to get raped in prison”. (June 06)
-This Chuck Norris phenomenon has been real cute, but I think the well might be drying up. It seems like the only moves people give credit to Chuck is his ability to do crazy things by just standing still or he can roundhouse kick you. Chuck has more moves than a damn roundhouse. And a roundhouse isn’t that difficult to counter either. Just get low and slide. I know I can do it. (June 06)
-I was on the CRAZIEST trolley one day to project…I was on the trolley, and this old guy who looked like Flavor Flav only he didn’t have a giant clock around his neck kept on hitting on everybody that came on the trolley. It was hilarious to look at…from a distance. But silently, at the front of the trolley, was this crazy guy who had raggedy fatigues on. He was waving two small American flags, to himself, seemingly minding his own business. Until a woman accidentally stepped on his foot. All hell broke loose in this guy’s head. The guy stood up and was cussing at this woman like a semi-automatic. The woman got off the trolley as quickly as she came on. It was wild! That’s where the story ends…I got off the trolley too. (June 05)
-…And in future news, the July 06 MADDSKILLZ Update has been canceled due to my facial injuries and memory loss resulting from a strong roundhouse from Chuck Norris. (June 06)
-Possibly Overheard from Smokey Bear, circa 1977: “Only you can prevent forest fires. Do you know why? Because I’m a bear, damnit! It’s bad enough that my name is Smokey and I’m made to look too high to function just so I can be in commercials with Joanna Cassidy! I haven’t hibernated in thirty years! Do you know why? Forest fires, that’s why. How hard can it be to put a campfire out? How careless can you be with matches?! Look, we’ll make a deal, you chill with the forest fires, and I’ll tell my boys Yogi and Boo-Boo to stop stealing your picnic baskets, okay? I’m desperate here. A bear’s gotta sleep. Damn!” (June 2010)
MADDSKILLZ Update (June 07)
And the last Word… (June 04)
It’s been a great finish to the school year for me, but I learned that my final exam on June 1st was my last Spanish test in high school, as this is my last year taking it until maybe college. Taking the test was a little bittersweet, except the fact that it was two hours long, and I was happy to finish it. Oh well. Times were good.
Adios Todos…For those That Don’t Check Their Summer E-Mail For Whatever Reason, Have a Nice Summer
MADDSKILLZ Update (June 08)
ONE SHOT (June 2010): June 32, 20xx:
After two and a half hours of sleep, I woke up at 3 in the morning, and I hopped into my dented green car. The car is an unattractive mess on the outside, but it’s very comfortable on the inside, and the LCD-lit stereo makes the car look really cool on this clear 71 degree night. I immediately took off for Atlantic Avenue in Atlantic City. I wanted to drive down the entire road: straight from the inlet down to Longport. I just want to see all of the casino lights with no traffic. I don’t even know if Atlantic Avenue goes that far. But who cares. I’ll take a nap when I can’t drive anymore and wakeup for the sunrise. And when I woke up, I just kept picking up all my peoples and drove up and down the East Coast…
…At the end of my ideal day, I saw everybody I wanted to see. Those who I hadn’t seen in awhile, those who I saw everyday just about. Really, that’s all I want. That, and eat some good food. I’m about to leave a sense of familiarity this time next month, so get at me while I’m still on the East side of things. Everybody has a month to be a part of my most ideal day. City Year, FCS, peoples in Philly and Jersey and NY and west PA. I’m not trying to miss anybody, at least not while we can do something about it. I want to see people while I still can. So, all I need to know is, who wants to get in the dented green car?
MADDSKILLZ Update (June 09)
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Not your father’s MADDSKILLZ Update.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. You’re teasing me, you know what I got, and I got what you need.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Low brow but I rock a little know how.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Respect.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Go hungry, your enemies.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. ^^^Straight to the top^^^.
MADDSKILLZ Update (June 2010)