MADDSKILLZ Update
Best of May
1SKILLZ Management (1maddskillz@gmail.com)
Quote of the Month- “I’m going to start off by paying you a compliment. One of the reasons you are doing so well in this competition is you are – how old are you? – 16, and you are taking every bullet thrown at you like a man, no complaining… I wish every ex-contestant on this show could take it your way. But, seriously, you and Latin music go together like chocolate ice cream and an onion.” – Simon Cowell on John Stevens (May 04)
Quote of the Month- “You’re a milk and cookie rookie, I’m a coffee and donut grownup.” Shejdie Childs, 2001-2002 (May 05)
Quote of the Month- “Yo momma so crazy, she had a conversation with Larry and she understood everything he said!” –Katie Bash to Dwight Dunston, circa April 2006 (May 06)
Quote of the Month- “I know it may be too late but you should put something in the update about how me and Dwight faced off in track meets in back to back weekends and how I would’ve baked him if I would’ve ran but I didn’t because I didn’t want to embarrass him in front of all of his friends,” Justin Plummer (May 07)
Quote of the Month: “He’s mine.” My brother Michael after the newest member of the family was born this past month. (May 08)
Quote of the Month: “You know it’s funny, the other day I said ‘I’ve never been so blessed’ talking to a friend. Funny thing is later on I realized I’m blessed every day; always have been. Everyone is. It’s all a matter of if you want to notice. I never did until now. But I did!” Monica Schafer (May 09)
Quote of the Month: “Lohan’s head must be getting bigger as the rest of her body shrinks … or maybe I should start trying to sue everyone who says ‘Lindsay’ and makes me turn my head only to find out they are trying to get the attention of another, of the many, Lindsays in the world,” Lindsay Leigh in response to Lindsay Lohan’s E-Trade lawsuit. Here’s hoping that all of the Lindsays get their royalties from that commercial! (May 2010)
MADDSKILLZ Update (May 04)
FIRST THOUGHTS (May 07): *The following is a transcript from the press conference called by Lawrence Murray on April 15th, 2007 to address the results of Operation Damage Control*
“Good evening to all the people here, good afternoon to those on the West coast, and good morning Shanghai. We are here today to assess Operation Damage Control, in relation to the controversial MADDSKILLZ Update April 07, which drew its highest rating of the season by far, 2.2%. As a few of you may know already, the MADDSKILLZ Update from April 07, which was released approximately two weeks ago, ruffled some feathers, to say the least. To say the most, some folks were royally pissed. If you have feathers that is another problem that I cannot deal with today, so I am paying particular attention here today on those who were royally pissed. This month so far seems to be the month of lame ass apologies. Don Imus if you were here I’d be looking in your direction. I will say that in reference to the next MADDSKILLZ Update, there will be a RetardNation segment addressing him. However we are getting slightly off subject. For that, I apologize. However for the last Update, I should not be apologizing for meaning what I said IF you all missed the point. As we all know, people missing a general point to focus on a specific issue can happen when one attempts to KEEP IT REAL. Thus, this is why much has been said about “when keeping it real goes wrong”. For the record, I was NOT coming at one specific individual in last month’s RetardNation segment! I was using that individual to prove a general point of all people, including myself, the problem of passively observing and dismissing people. The added sarcasm that comes with RetardNation was, I am happy to report, understood by both long-time readers of the MADDSKILLZ Update, if there is a such a thing, who are used to seeing various RetardNation reports by now AS WELL AS people who saw the 45th Update for the first time. Despite all of this, I have plenty of lame ass apologies for those who felt victimized by the last MADDSKILLZ Update for whatever reason. For all of those people who were offended by my glorification in being called an asshole, such as Dwight and Rob of the FAMED posse, I apologize. I will represent myself better as a person you all sort of know and love and I mean that. But there’s more. I apologize to Greg Parker even though he’s been in just about every other Update this season it seems. I apologize to Isabel Friedman, who I hope becomes president and Jon Dellum for forgetting their April birthdays once again. I apologize to Coop for not knowing ahead of time he would have my back in my fight against RetardNation. I apologize to Shawn and Telia who were responsible for rescuing me from Charleroi over Spring Break and not being properly credited in the ONE SHOT. In fact, I apologize to everyone who read the ONE SHOT, because as one reviewer sharply pointed out, I was up at 5 in the morning and pretty much half sleep by time the ONE SHOT came around. Who else here…TWIN. Both of them. I apologize. When I called out Friends’ Central last month, I didn’t expect such a great response from Twin and Sam “Sam Aronson” Aronson, as well as Pir and Christian “Bosh” Chester at the showcase, as well as Twin and Laura Matey hosting Coffeehouse, as well as many other unacknowledged events. That would have been awesome, and I apologize as well for not demanding that those events be taped. Also, I apologize to FCS for referring to “Jungle Balls Rock”. I apologize to Mike D. as well for not mentioning his video last month; however, I do expect copies of all videos featuring the 1 with the SKILLS before the end of the semester. Damn, who else…I apologize to all Africans. I apologize to Rob (of the FAMED posse) for comparing his darkness to the extreme darkness that is Kueth Duany. Also, to Kueth Duany, I apologize. I apologize to all users of the ICF, as I did not mean to threaten you all with a staple gun. I apologize to all text-messaging, non-calling females. It is not your fault that I can’t find better ways to keep in contact. I apologize to ESPN’s Doug Gottlieb, as he is earning a paycheck and I am not. I apologize to all those employees at Cal U who push carts; I should not have devalued your important work here. And I apologize for not starting the May 07 Update a lot sooner. If I am missing an apology, I apologize. I must bring this press conference to a close, so everybody here, good night. Shanghai…good morning.”
MADDSKILLZ Update (May 05)
FIRST THOUGHTS (May 08): Yeah. I’m back by notorious demand, writing the MADDSKILLZ Update when I most definitely have much more important things to do. I had class with Sir Adam Olson, and he chastised me a bit by reminding me that three of the first updates out this season have come out late. Well, despite an enterprise story that needs to be sent in by 10AM still on the table, I am serving you people first. Yes, you all deserve to have your update sent out to you ON TIME. Even if you won’t actually read it until I get back to Philadelphia! So enjoy yourself and read the ill-logistics of 1SKILLZ. Now, for my second thoughts… I was supposed to have been writing a new track for the Self-Titled Album that I’ve been hitting you with all year. The next track up to bat was entitled “Aey”, and it was just going to be a minute of me being an ass and knocking off Young Jeezy. Because all he does is say Aaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy… etc. That idea didn’t get too far though, because I thought that was functionally retarded. In fact, I looked at the 20 tracks that I said was going to be on the “fake album”, and I actually like some of them. Of course, my general public has remained silent, so either my promotion is weak or people like me too much to say anything that might offend me. I’m hoping it’s not the latter, because if you knew enough about me, I invite ridicule, especially for such low-budget, satirical content exhibited in the Self-Titled Album project. As proof of this, I have decided to cut five songs from the album! This does not mean I will not write the three tracks that have yet to be written (hint: I have three more updates this season after this one). Meaning, the five songs that I will cut are still all over Facebook and MySpace and will remain there for your viewing pleasure until the end of the 2007-2008 MADDSKILLZ Update season! The five cuts (with special commentary from my alter ego):
OUTRO will be cut! Comment: Outro-Outro-Outro-Outro-Outro-Outro-Outro-Outro-Outro-Outro-Outr…
FREESTYLE 404 will be cut! Comment: This is DUMB. Nobody cares about a two week vacation in 2004! And what “freestyle”? There’s freestyling, and then there is broken English.
AEY will be cut! Comment: Of all the rappers to jack an interlude from, why Young Jeezy?! WHY???? He’s barely worth a cuss, let alone an interlude!
CRAZY RIVER will be cut! Comment: Robbie Robertson just rolled in his grave. What’s that, he’s still alive? Robbie Robertson just rolled in his…he just rolled. Somebody might want to stop him from rolling.
ANGELS will be cut! Comment: At least “Crazy River” was edited. At least “Crazy River” sounded how it was intended to sound (like a sociopathic creep). What in the holy world is this?!?? Why is this on the album?!? WHO WOULD DO THIS TO THIS SONG?!?!?! The vocals on this song sound like a cow that has been spiked in the head with an archangels’ chariot. What you never heard of that happening to a cow? Well, it sounds awful doesn’t it? So does this song. What a disgraceful piece of rawhide. Lazy bastard couldn’t even karaoke correctly…
Painful, heartrending decisions, but it had to be done. Hey, at least SOUL CHIX stays! It’s my biggest hit yet! On to some real talk now.
MADDSKILLZ Update (May 06)
-It’s Mother’s Day this month. I love my mom. She tells me little life anecdotes like “think outside the box”. The problem with that, however, is that some people think so far outside the box that they don’t even know where the box is. (May 07)
-I take Fairy Tale Lit now that American Lit has run its course, and I have to say this: those wolves really like thick forests… (May 04)
-Now, for this ill-advised visit to Club Ice. First of all, it was LOUD. It made no sense how bass-heavy this damn club was! We left at 2:15AM, and I still thought my head was going to explode two hours later. They also had this urban-restrictive dress code (RE: NBA dress code for the common patron). They probably would have heavily enforced it too, but they were going to lose a LOT of money, because it seemed like EVERYONE was breaking the dress code in one way or another. Except me! The ONE-time I dress appropriately! And how do I get rewarded? My boots got TORE Up. NEVER AGAIN will I dress to go to a club. Now once we were in there, I started talking to this girl from Indiana named Rebecca. She was just sitting on the VIP stage, wearing a dark yellow dress, and because I got tired of finding random thick girls to grind with, I decided to hold a conversation with her. Now I told you already that this club was LOUD. So the conversation was more of a telephone like shouting match. You know Undercover Brother? She was Undercover Sister. She was only in Columbus that night to make sure “things went down the way they were supposed to” in the club. I asked her if it was legal, and she said it was, but I could only ask her closed-ended questions. It was fun. I might get hit for putting this in the update though! (May 08)
-Was I the only one who saw the Tiger Woods “comeback” Nike advertisement featuring the voice of his late father Earl Woods and thought of that scene in The Lion King where the ghost of Mufasa tells Simba to take his place in the circle of life? It was like Nike was old Rafiki in this whole thing! Something tells me that Nyla Woods is still pissed. (May 2010)
-Picture of Childhood: “Excuse me, why are you talking in class while I’m talking?” “Well teacher, I only have one mouth, but I have two ears. I can listen to you with one ear and the girl I was talking to with the other!” (May 09)
-…For one, it was good I wasn’t in the streets (because as the famed posse always says, ‘The streets (are) crazy (mang)!’), because I looked pathetic. I couldn’t walk on crutches for a damn thing. So when night I went to get ice from the gas station. It took me forever, and it’s a good thing I had my pack with me because those Salsa Sun Chips are good. Anyway, I was headed back when this dark van pulled up to the corner. I was concerned for a second, and then I remembered that I was in CALIFORNIA, PENNSYLVANIA. So my concern went away quickly. It was an elderly couple (RE: about 23, 24, maybe even 25) and they asked if I wanted a ride back. I wanted to say no thanks, but that wouldn’t have made any sense so I took about 5 minutes to get in (I couldn’t bend my left knee because of the swelling, see how long it takes you to get into a van with crutches and no motion in one leg). So these people were talking to me and they liked how I accidentally used big words when I talk (they are not that big to me because I grew up with the Grinspans). You could say I carried myself like I usually do. And then the guy figured it out: “You don’t even smoke weed do you?” Now a lot of people are surprised that I won’t/never have drank, smoked, or done drugs, but this was interesting. He sounded like he had seen the light or something, I don’t know! All this because I tried to run through a brick wall. Anyway I should get on with the rest of the update, enough about my substandard physical condition… (May 06)
-My senior project has replaced high school classes, and for this week only I’m working with the P.E. department, then for the remaining four weeks I’ll be working at an investment banking corporation, as an administrative assistant. This means I’ll be writing my final paper about how kids learning about the danger of cocaine can become successful in economics, but only if they understand the difference between track and cross country. (May 05)
-Biologists’ pickup line: Who wants my Y chromosome? (May 07)
-And here, back again, the unexpected return of RetardNation. First off…”Nappy-headed hoes”?! This coming from Don Imus?! Takes one to know one Don. That cowboy hat isn’t there for decoration people. If anyone is a nappy-headed ho, it’s Don Imus. And to top it off, his face looks like Iron Man’s. I would say all jokes aside, but this isn’t BET, it’s the MADDSKILLZ Update, so I’m coming at all sides here. Anyone who was satisfied with Don Imus’ firing should know the real deal if they don’t already. If Imus was fired for what he said just this one time on the air, Al Sharpton never would’ve been involved in this mess (come to think of it, why does every time a white person says something racially insensitive they run to Al Sharpton, or Jesse Jackson, or BET, like Imus did, Michael Richards did, and in 2002 Trent Lott, respectively? It’s like they’re the principal in all this)! I personally wanted to hear from somebody that Don Imus didn’t get fired for his words, but for his BS LAME-ASS “apology”. You know what he kept trying to tell Sharpton: “It was stupid, I should’ve never said it, and I’ll never say it again”, something to that extent. Come the hell on Don! Don’t you know who you are? You are Don Imus!!! You have a history, a reputation, for saying some real stupid things, attacking all races, lifestyles, and what have you. You are so messed up even Howard Stern hates you! You were able to keep your job before mainly because you didn’t lie and say you’re not going to say dumb and blatantly offensive things. You know why you got fired Don? Because even if you kept your job, you had two options: offend someone, or go mute and not have a show anyway. It’s that simple! Now I know, you were thinking to yourself, “How do I get fired when I hear the same language from other races and nothing is made of it? I mean, the only reason I said that is because I was walking down the street, I heard it, and I thought to myself ‘I should throw that in the show somehow.’” Now I may very well be wrong, and just like everything I write, I open this up to discussion, but this has more to do with WHO you called “nappy-headed hos” than the words themselves: a college basketball team of strong women whose majority of their players happens to be African-American. Needless to say, they’re not hos Don. As a point of comparison, Snoop said in 93, “We don’t love them hos!” This is a repeated verse in hip-hop among rappers and civilians both of all races. Is it wrong? Yes. So how does Snoop Dogg (and everyone else for that matter) get off the hook but Imus gets fired? Because Snoop did NOT say something like: I don’t love that ho, that lives down the street from me, I see her every day, her name is Tina Robinson, she lives at 96 West Crenshaw Street in San Marcos, in fact, there she is RIGHT THERE!! “Ho” is a general term Don, and whoever takes offense has every right to, but they can’t make nothing of it when it is left as general. You decided to be specific, and that got your ass rightfully lit. Also, people should not worry too much about losing their freedom of speech. Imus had freedom of speech; you don’t see the government getting involved, and black people everywhere, as much as they probably want to, cannot whup Don’s ass without getting their asses whupped by the cops. That, my friends, is freedom of speech. This is why these same people who were offended by Don Imus’ words and Michael Richards’ words should take some real action and stop using those words. If anyone is truly offended by these incidents (and you are kidding yourself if you think this won’t come up again), they’ll stop making excuses for themselves as to why they can use certain words but others can’t. All of this said, Imus will find something to do in RetardNation. There’s a radio station there that needs him. (May 07)
-“You can lose a lot of money chasing women, but you’ll never lose women chasing money.” I agree with the first part. Chasing women never did anything positive for a man’s pocket. However, a lot of couples break up because a man is chasing a career (chasing money). And what if you do nothing but focus on your job and your career, and have no time to even get involved with any women? Of course you’ll never lose women chasing that money. You won’t have any women to lose! So yes, you can lose women chasing money. (May 09)
-KFC released the Double Down last month, a sandwich that consists of chicken patties replacing the bun. I wouldn’t try it, but I wouldn’t overrate its impact on American health; it’s too unattractive to eat more than a few times. But how much more creative can these fast food places get? I’m now conditioned to not be surprised when McDonald’s releases a Reverse Big Mac (two burger patties with the bun in between), Taco Bell releases the Naked Gordita/Chalupa (I can’t tell you how many seconds I’ve gone to Taco Bell trying to logically pick between a Gordita or Chalupa), and Papa John’s merges with Wendy’s to come out with the first pizza triple decker sandwich. (May 2010)
-A very funny thing happened on the bus back from a track meet. I had used my cell phone to semi-anonymously celebrate one of my coach’s 27th birthday. I called him three times, saying “happy birthday, and I have skillz! madd skillz!” I let him react over the phone and then I hung up. He was in the front and I was way in the back. Now this started to be fun until it got interesting. Too interesting. I got a call on my phone from an area code I knew nothing about (but because I keep a planner in my pocket at all times that has every area code in the country, I found that it was just a Philadelphia suburb). I answered my cell, and on the other line was a deep husky voice, presumably a female named Rita. Now, I knew all about telemarketing, but that’s not even allowed anymore, so I went along with the call. She said she got my number through Dwight (of the famed posse) and I was like, o…k? She said that she wanted to meet me sometime and I was like, “yo, I don’t even know you lady!” She requested to speak to Dwight (of the famed posse), who was also at the front of the bus. I passed the phone up, and he says to me about four minutes later, “yo man…this girl is BAD! Go with it, go with it. And I was like “why her damn voice so husky man?! And then he challenged me, saying, “DO I EVER STEER YOU WRONG?!?!” So I listened… (May 04)
-Victoria Day is celebrated in Canada this month or as I like to call it, Monday. (May 05)
-The “Rita” girl with the husky voice called me several more times on the road trip, leading my neighbors around me to think that I planned this crap. I was like, “I never met a good looking girl with a husky voice”, but I answered the phone, and I blocked the number, so she said to leave my home number. That wasn’t happening. When we got off the bus, I looked at Tim and he saw I looked confused (more confused then usual). Then he said, “what, you’re afraid of husky voiced girls?” Of course I was! Especially if my other coach Lance is that husky voice! I was never so sullen in my life…except that time I stole beef jerky from a supermarket, but that’s another story… (May 04)
-As for women’s basketball, Maryland came from behind to beat Duke in overtime to win the championship. You know…it was probably a good thing Duke didn’t win, because if they did, then they would have just came back to the campus from New England and everyone would have said: “Look, it’s great that you all won the championship and all, but while you all were away, the lacrosse team has really been messing up.” (May 06)
-A lot of people made a big fuss over Alec Baldwin’s voice message to his daughter. Please. My dad does that all the time, far more worse than anything that girl heard! He’ll get on the phone, and start to just tell me about something I did (or didn’t do), like close a bedroom door before I left the house. He’d get anger and volume would increase as the voice message went on, as if he were really talking to me! Then he’d call back later and tell me that he’s not sure if I did it or not. “I came home and I saw this door open. I’m getting tired of telling you boy about security. (Volume JUMPS) Lawrence, I’m sick of you disrespecting me AND this house! I’m gonna whup yo’ ass! Goodbye!” And then I’d have to call back and tell him that he left that door open. (May 07)
-I had Lola and Lydia on an episode of 1SKILLZ-FM, and we did a shoot promo. You’ve heard of friends with benefits … how about friends with HEALTH benefits?! (May 09)
-Possibly overhead at the NFL Dude Draft: “I have no idea what dude this team is going to draft.” “Yeah, this team needs a lot of dudes, and there’s no telling what dude they’ll select.” “I think they’ll go with this dude, he’s an outstanding dude from what I’ve seen on tape, excellent speed, moves well, and gets along well with the other dudes in the locker room.” “With the 342nd pick in the NFL Dude Draft, this team selects… that dude.” “Wow that dude?” “Well, let’s talk about this dude.” “Ok, well, dude is very strong but lacks the athleticism of other dudes in this draft.” “This dude is going to take some time to develop his technique, but if he’s coached up he could be a great asset to a team that needs a lot of dudes.” “What a surprising pick, I was almost certain that this dude wouldn’t even get drafted in the dude draft. Maybe in the brohan draft, but certainly not the dude draft!” (May 2010)
-Why are distance runners better than sprinters? Because they’re slower and they do it longer. (May 04)
-The NFL has recently cut down on preplanned touchdown celebrations. This takes some of the excitement factor out of the games, but I have a solution, as always. And like last month’s Baby FAT, it involves that syndicated crap-a-thon Maury. During the paternity test results, you get some of the best pre-planned celebrations ever! Same type of excitement too. Just replace “touchdown!” with “You are the father!” (May 06)
-What the hell are trophies for anyway? Were they originally drinking cups? What is so special about winning a special cup?! Future investigation. (May 08)
-We were watching Eyes on the Prize in African American History class. I learned a lot of things from that documentary series … including the fact that Dr. Martin Luther King loves fried chicken as much as I do. (May 09)
-Possibly Overheard: “I’ll text you later!” “No, you won’t!” (May 09)
-I might get in trouble for saying this, but I obviously don’t care, and I will post it all over the place if I’m in the right mood. The ICF is just stupid. It is one of the leading killers of trees in Pennsylvania, probably the whole country. It is threatening the Amazon, that’s how much paper is down there. My boss is an anal bastard. I’ll repeat that because I like the way it sounds. My boss is an anal bastard. Now I know he is paying me and everything, but I’d rather be fired. Like about four of my Friday co-workers. Why were they fired? Because he is an anal bastard. There is no other explanation. It’s so bad down there for me that my last two hours of my Friday shift; I’m the only damn worker left! Everyone else has been let go. Now he could have just kept them and lowered their pay for not being on time, or he could’ve hired new workers. But that would have made too much sense. He’s an idiot. And he’s brainwashed one of the managers to the point where all he does is “follow procedure”. But I’ve got a plan. I’m going to show up for work. I’m going to post this oil-tinged rant all over the damn place, and before I can get fired (via e-mail apparently) I’ll quit! There will be no one down there on Fridays after that! Ha! …In future news, I’ll be working at the ICF next year. (May 06)
-There is a new movie out about spelling, or something. It’s title will NOT be gracing the MADDSKILLZ Update. However, this movie may be a good idea, because I know for a fact most people stopped taking spelling as a subject after fifth grade, and let’s face it, people can’t spell. They can’t. They can spell their funny looking names but not the word bougainvillea. Ok, that’s a hard word, but still. I for one, hate hearing the question right before a test that requires a little writing, “Does spelling count?” It’s annoying as hell. “No, spelling does not count, please butcher the crap out of the word so I can lose even more brain cells trying to figure it out.” I feel for teachers in terms of that. I miss the days when I last had spelling. My fifth grade teacher had on one spelling test the names of some of the streets around West Philly. That way, you could know how to spell the name of the street you were getting your ass kicked on after school. But back to the movie…I seriously don’t know what’s next. Maybe a movie about a reading contest. Because people don’t read. They just don’t. I swear I hear some people ask before a test “Is reading necessary?” (May 06)
MADDSKILLZ Update (May 07)
And The Last Word (May 04) – I tried my hand at a freestyle on another bus home from the Penn Relays, only because I was challenged. I don’t lay down easy, so I took the challenge and I didn’t do that bad…until the last few lines of every stanza. Just to epitomize this lack of ending a freestyle skills, I present a paraphrase of my rap about food:
“Ice…Bread…Lettuce…Gum…I take it home and I make a salad!!”
That Was Terrible! Happy Cinco De Mayo and Mother’s Day That’s The Update and I’m Outta Here
MADDSKILLZ Update (May 08)
ONE SHOT (May 08): Basketball is my drug of choice.
I get high on basketball.
I shoot up everything…threes, floaters, mid-range jumpshots.
I steal whenever I can.
I smoke whoever is checking me.
I hustle because I’m addicted.
I know I shouldn’t play ball all the time…but I do it anyway.
I know I shouldn’t play so long…but it feels so good.
I play until I lose…but when I lose I want to play until I win.
It’s a game, but it’s more than that when I’m playing. It’s survival.
I can rehab an injury from basketball, but I’ll probably just play through it.
I can’t stop.
When I’m off the court, I shoot without a ball.
I still touch barriers above me.
I might not ever recover.
MADDSKILLZ Update (May 09)
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Word to your mother.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Harder to start than a high school relationship.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Before you lose control.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. OOHHH NOOOO!!!!!
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Remind me where this came from?
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Outta here.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Beam me up, Scotty.
MADDSKILLZ Update (May 2010)