MADDSKILLZ Update
Best of Season 5 (2007-2008)
1SKILLZ Management (1maddskillz@gmail.com)
MADDSKILLZ Update (September 07)
Quote of the Month: “They’re killing me. They’re killing my family. They’re killing my coaching staff. Kill the White Sox fans. They kill the owner. They kill everyone. I hope they feel the same way we feel. I hope somebody out there cares the way we care. Good guys or nice guys finish [expletive] last. I’m tired of seeing that [crap], day in and day out. And I don’t want to spend a miserable September seeing the same [crap]. If I have to see the same [crap], I told Kenny, ‘Bring somebody up. [Expletive] it.’ If it’s my fault, I should be moving out of here then. If it’s my fault, [expletive] fire my ass and I’ll be fine. I have the job to do, and I get paid a lot of [expletive] money to make this club work, but it’s not easy to work with people like that. It’s not easy.” Ozzie Guillen, Chicago White Sox manager. (Ozzie also probably said the following: “Look they kill the White Sox, they kill the Cubs, downtown, Bridgeport, Lincoln Park, the rough South Side of Chicago, killing fans in Minnesota, Kansas City, them boys up in Detroit, they killing the team president’s whole family, Ozzie Guillen ain’t nobody to mess with, the AL Central, the whole damn American League, the Black Sox of 1919! Ozzie Guillen ain’t nobody to mess with, all over Major League Baseball, Barry Bonds, Hank Aaron, they killing everyone. Ozzie Guillen ain’t nobody to mess with, just ask Mariotti! Chicago White Sox can let me go, it’s not safe anymore! Peace.”) (September 07)
MADDSKILLZ Update (October 07)
First Thoughts (April 08): We have arrived to April of 2008, some of us in better shape than others. I have to be real careful, as the April You’s a Fool Day Updates have been known to either tick a lot of people off (RE: April 2007) or just be ridiculously outrageous (RE: every other Update). So check this out, I was on one of my favorite sites, www.amiannoying.com, and I saw my profile up there! Yes, the 1 with the SKILLZ has an Am I Annoying or Not profile, and I thought I put it up here on the MADDSKILLZ Update. Check this out:
The Resume:
(January 5, 1987- )
Born in Philadelphia, PA
Creator/editor/writer of the MADDSKILLZ Update (August 2003-2010)
Radio/Television major at California University of PA (2005-2009)
The 1 with the SKILLZ
Why he might be annoying:
He has yet to provide an acceptable explanation as to just what the hell the MADDSKILLZ Update is.
He has yet to explain exactly what his “Madd Skills” are.
He frequently releases his MADDSKILLZ Updates late (They are supposed to be out on the 1st of every month).
He introduced Self-Titled Album as a parody of other albums, but then started writing serious lyrics.
He is incredibly nonchalant.
He tried to steal beef jerky from Pathmark in 2001.
He wears football gloves all the time.
He still can’t drive.
He can be systematic and robotic.
He bombed in an attempt to do standup comedy.
He uses slang that nobody else uses.
He has two piercings.
He refuses to cut his hair.
One time he tried to kick a football in a busy street, and he broke a small dog’s leg.
For a smart person, he makes a lot of questionable decisions.
He speaks way too softly.
He lies about his height and weight.
He plays defense.
He actually wrote his own Am I Annoying profile.
Why he might not be annoying:
He started writing the MADDSKILLZ Update to stay in contact with people from a home-stay program in Spain.
He has released the MADDSKILLZ Update every month since August 2003 and has shown the ability to write about a wide (albeit sometimes irrelevant and unrelated) range of topics.
He is a true individual.
Surprisingly, he has never had a drink, smoked, or done drugs and plans not to.
He is extremely versatile.
He tries not to use profanity.
He has extremely bad luck with relationships.
He is a great problem solver (which is a good thing, considering the many problems he gets into).
He has a great sense of humor and doesn’t make the mistake of taking himself too seriously.
He actually wrote his own Am I Annoying profile.
So, Am I Annoying or Not? Go on the website, look for me, and if you find me let me know if what you voted! In the meantime, it’s updating time…
MADDSKILLZ Update (November 07)
– (January 08) Back in the hood, Pt. 1: I was leaving Kylie and Ashley’s house one night and was waiting on a bus home at Saint Joseph’s University when I had realized this old, short, agitated woman inching towards me as if she wanted to ask me a question. You know how SEPTA buses will sit around a bus stop idle while people could be boarding? It can be annoying, but some people just deal with it. This woman sounded like she was pockmarked from it. She started complaining to me about why the bus couldn’t come down and pick them up, and I just kept saying “SEPTA isn’t really a service anymore”. But she was convinced that SEPTA were the devil or something. She wouldn’t shut up when I agreed with her, so for the first time in my life I started defending SEPTA, just to get her to stop whining about it (to me at least). Then she was like “SEPTA almost killed me! I’m suing the city because the bus driver wanted to run me over! Rendell should take over, they kill people!” I was just like “Damn, that sucks.” Then she went on and on about Philly and how everyone’s calling it Killadelphia (as if they weren’t saying that before this year or something, just this year). I just said “Yeah, I heard they’re calling it Killadelphia now. Good thing I don’t live here.” So she asked me where I live at, and that’s when I got creative: “I don’t live anywhere ma’am. I just go to school and come home and wander the streets”. She kept testing me though: “But your permanent address is in Philadelphia, right?” “Nope, it’s somewhere in Jersey right now, but it might change, I never know.” She was like “good for you, you don’t want to live here.” She wanted to continue, but fortunately it was around this time that my mother placed her usual “It’s 10PM, is Lawrence still alive call”. Never has that call come at a better time! Of course my mom hung up too soon. So I called everybody I could until I got off the bus…luckily Cassie answers her phone!
– (December 07) I played in a football game with the CUTV crew and don’t ask why, but I was thinking about referees. Referees sometimes get intimidated, and sometimes they don’t appear to make convincing rulings. What is the best way to change that? Have the referees carry double samurai swords! That’s it, double samurai swords! This would instill a confidence that a natural pair sometimes doesn’t. For example: “pass interference: OFFENSE, (BACK UP OFF ME!), 10 yard penalty, still 1st down.”
– (May 08) I need a new nickname, besides the one I gave myself (The One with the Skillz/1SKILLZ). Not because that nickname isn’t cutting it, I wouldn’t expect people to call me 1SKILLZ (even though people call me MADDSKILLZ all the time). I actually have a lot of nicknames. The problem is that they’re all on an associative level. Everyone has their own nickname for me. That’s great and all, but it’s gotten to a point that people are forgetting my name is LAWRENCE MURRAY. My mom gave me a rather conservative government name. And I messed it up by having this ten year period (known to some as the 1990s) where I told everyone my name was Larry, even though my mom told me at an early age not to write Larry on anything I put my name on. And I write my name on EVERYTHING (need proof, look at the top of the update). People don’t know what to do with my name, seriously. Most forget it. Some people call me Rob. And God forbid I call someone that loses my number somehow: “Lawrence?! Who the #### is Lawrence?! … ohhh $***, what’s up Larry!”
– (October 07) I’m taking Earth Science this semester. I don’t care how polluted the Earth gets, Uranus will always be the dirtiest planet in the universe…
MADDSKILLZ Update (December 07)
– (August 08) Fun With Lyrics: D! M! X! Rapper DMX was arrested this past month in Phoenix on suspicion of theft and (get this) identity theft. Authorities say that D! M! X! gave the name “Troy Jones” and an incorrect Social Security number to avoid paying medical expenses. I had the Brother Dwight over and my brother immediately played the music video “What’s My Name?” It is clear that DMX wants to “Stop Being Greedy” and share costs with others, but the man who kept shouting “What’s My Name?!!” is really confusing us. Now, what IS his name?! Is it D! M! X? Is it Earl Simmons? Is it Troy Jones? Is it Darius Martin Xavier? Darko Manuel XI? Sean Combs? Is the name DMX “Slippin’”? Is there a new “Ruff Ryders Anthem” that suggests you stop, drop, and change names before you open up shop? Are you allowed to “Party Up” with just any name? So many questions and only DMX knows “How’s It Goin’ Down”…
– (November 07) I was talking to Melitza about how people always get tired enough to sleep in some classes, and I developed another great terrible idea. There should always, at some point of every day, in every level of education (college, high school, middle school, lower school, preschool) be a designated naptime. Now we are in college, and it is difficult to be taken serious if you just have “naptime”. This is why I have developed the idea of NapClass. That’s right, NapClass (ZZZ 100). You go into a room, and the lights are dim, the chairs are just comfortable enough to take notes and go to sleep in, and a black and white video of the most draining professors at your college plays on the screen. I don’t know about the rest of you all, but I’m taking this class next semester. In fact, I may take it five times a week.
– (July 08) One last note on Obama. He has yet to pick a running mate. Well, I have the perfect pick: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson! The Rock Obama! Who would want to mess with that ticket? Check out this future excerpt from the Democratic National Convention:“Finally, Barack has come BACK, to Denver! As you know, I am here to officially name The Rock, The People’s Champion, as my tag-team partner against John McCain and the other no-name roody-poo jabroni that he nominated as his running mate! It doesn’t matter what his name is! All the matters is that together, The Rock Obama will layeth the smacketh down on all their candy asses! IF YOU SMELLLLL…what BARACK…is cookin’!” [10:41 PM]
– (September 07) What’s better, hostile agreement or peaceful disagreement?
MADDSKILLZ Update (January 08)
– (February 08) The day before my birthday I had another strange encounter with an older woman waiting for a bus in the dark cold streets of Philadelphia. I had just got done balling with Zeke, Q and his boy Brandon, and Kevin. I was waiting on the City Line by myself when this thick woman dressed in all black came stalking around a bend. She had a handcart and I honestly didn’t know it was a woman until she got to the bus stop. As soon as I saw her sit down on the ledge in front of the gate I had a feeling she was going to start talking with me. It’s something about waiting for SEPTA that just brings a conversation out of people. Anyway, I got around to talking about school (which was like pulling teeth because I try not to say anything bad about Cal U) and how it was my birthday the next day. Even though I knew I was going to be in New York I decided to tell her that I wasn’t sure what I was doing for my birthday (which was half-true actually, because I had no plans once I got to New York). She had been talking about how excited she was to find these hoodies for her plus-size sons, so she said that I should go treat myself to some new hoodies for my birthday. That was funny, just because I have more hoodies and jackets and coats then there are days in a week right now. She also said that I should take my girl out to the movies, which wouldn’t have been a bad idea if I actually had a girl to take to the movies. The best part of the whole conversation was when she told me about how she was taking an employee-related test. She asked me if school was hard, and I was honest when I said it’s not too hard unless you have time management issues. Not that what I said mattered, her story was going to remain the same. She was talking about how she had to take the test with all kinds of distractions, but it was funny how she tried to describe it: “You know…it’s HARD taking a test with all kinds of noise. RIGHT? It’s HARD, RIGHT? You have to be able to concentrate on what you’re doing, RIGHT? The test was timed also. That’s a lot of pressure, RIGHT???????? That was stressful. Wouldn’t that be a lot of stress? WOULDN’T IT???? You want to know how I did? DO YOU?!?! I passed, Thank the LORD, I passed. HARD WORK and the LORD’s BLESSING.” It almost sounded like she was threatening me with her experience! Eventually more people got to the bus stop and she told the exact same story to this other lady. That’s how it is, if you have a good story, you might as well tell it before you forget it.
– (June 08) Before Lisa went up to Massachusetts for the summer, she told me about one of her favorite shows, Avatar: The Last Airbender. The way she described the show and the airbenders, firebenders, waterbenders, and earthbenders reminded me of Captain Planet, a show me and Lisa agreed should have been a lot better than it turned out. Lisa and I then discussed what a Captain Planet movie would be like. I’m not talking sugarcoated animation here, it’s 2008. This needs to be a rated R, live-action haymaker for environmentalism! Lisa suggested that Al Gore should have a role in the movie somewhere; after all, global warming is supposed to be something Captain Planet should have an answer for right?!
– (March 08) There is nothing wrong with taking things too serious. Conflicts arise when people take things too personal…
– (April 08) I know there is a restriction on how old one can be to run for President, but is there a restriction on how old one can be to become a genius?!?
MADDSKILLZ Update (February 08)
– (October 07) I haven’t played Madden NFL 08 much this year, but I was thinking that with all of the player weapons that are featured in this year’s game EA Sports could easily spin off another video game called Madden NFL WAR. That’s right, Madden NFL WAR, an adventure/action game where you can attack evil with “Cannon Arm QBs”, set up barriers with “Brick Wall Defenders”, and engage in hand-to-hand combat with “Stiff Arm Ball Carriers”! And most important, it will feature tight end Kellen “I’m a f’ing soldier!” Winslow II of the Cleveland Browns on the cover. Madden NFL WAR, available only where NFL Training camps are held.
– (July 08) Tacos, also known as Sloppy José’s. [11:35 PM]
– (November 07) Rapper T.I. was arrested this past month and charged with two felonies, possession of three unregistered machine guns and two silencers as well as possession of firearms by a convicted felon. He was arrested four hours before he was to perform at the BET Hip-Hop Awards. I’m sure T.I. is pissed that T.I.P. screwed up his big night…
– (November 07) …This case has been examined in depth, and one of the recurring segments of the MADDSKILLZ Update, “Fun With Lyrics”, obtained a copy of the questionnaire that T.I. took during his attempted purchase of firearms: What do you plan to do with these firearms? ( Bring Em Out, Bring Em Out, Bring Em Out, Bring Em Out ) Will you be sharing your firearms? ( Why You Wanna know?) Ok, are there any special effects that you need your firearms to perform? (As long as Big Things are Poppin’ I’ll be fine) How many firearms do you intend to purchase today? ( 24 ) That just about completes your purchase sir. Oh, and I had to ask about the new movie coming out. ( What You Knowabout that?) Well is Jay-Z going to be in American Gangster w… and this is about the time T.I. got arrested.
MADDSKILLZ Update (March 08)
– (June 08) A 13-year old boy from Indiana won the Scripps National Spelling Bee this past month. The winning word was “guerdon”, which means “something one earned or gained”. That’s great and all, but can he spell “southernplayalisticadillacmuzik”?
– (December 07) A picture of childhood: “Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!” … “What the hell do you want me to do mom?! Do I look a zombie to you?! If I’m sleeping, then the bugs are going to bite! I’m not going to stop them! Seriously, that’s the dumbest thing you said since ‘watch out for the boogeyman!’ … No, no, I can tuck myself in; just keep it down in the other room please. Thank you. … Damn. What the hell is a bed bug any damn way…?”
– (May 08) Now, for this ill-advised visit to Club Ice. First of all, it was LOUD. It made no sense how bass-heavy this damn club was! We left at 2:15AM, and I still thought my head was going to explode two hours later. They also had this urban-restrictive dress code (RE: NBA dress code for the common patron). They probably would have heavily enforced it too, but they were going to lose a LOT of money, because it seemed like EVERYONE was breaking the dress code in one way or another. Except me! The ONE-time I dress appropriately! And how do I get rewarded? My boots got TORE Up. NEVER AGAIN will I dress to go to a club. Now once we were in there, I started talking to this girl from Indiana named Rebecca. She was just sitting on the VIP stage, wearing a dark yellow dress, and because I got tired of finding random thick girls to grind with, I decided to hold a conversation with her. Now I told you already that this club was LOUD. So the conversation was more of a telephone like shouting match. You know Undercover Brother? She was Undercover Sister. She was only in Columbus that night to make sure “things went down the way they were supposed to” in the club. I asked her if it was legal, and she said it was, but I could only ask her closed-ended questions. It was fun. I might get hit for putting this in the update though!
– (January 08) I went over my cousin Monica’s house on Christmas and asked my seven year old cousin Mikayla if she knew who Michael Vick was. She said no, and then I demonstrated to her who he was and why he couldn’t play football anymore using these little toy dogs that she got in her stocking: “Let’s say these two dogs fought each other. Let’s say this one was the loser…”
MADDSKILLZ Update (April 08)
– (April 08) Wrigley has admitted that Big Red is not flavored with cinnamon; it is instead flavored with a chemical known to many as “Hot Breath”. In a related story, Wrigley also announced that it will debut a new placebo-flavored gum. The name will be determined after the experiment.
– (June 08) I don’t look so far ahead that I lose track of what I’m supposed to be focusing on in the nearer future. If you look too far over the bridge, you’ll fall in the water.
– (July 08) The next Grand Theft Auto game should be called Grand Theft Auto V: Atlantic City. In this game you get to ride fast Jitneys driven by reckless drivers who will threaten certain passengers periodically, run up and down the casino district, and avoid corner long lines of strip clubs. And this is just before 9PM! [10:50 PM]
– (April 08) A lot of people still use Yellow Book, but I want to know what happened to Coloring Book…
MADDSKILLZ Update (May 08)
– (October 07) Broken heart? No excuse for that. Not with today’s advances in science, technology, and medicine…
MADDSKILLZ Update (June 08)
ONE SHOT (May 08): Basketball is my drug of choice.
I get high on basketball.
I shoot up everything…threes, floaters, mid-range jumpshots.
I steal whenever I can.
I smoke whoever is checking me.
I hustle because I’m addicted.
I know I shouldn’t play ball all the time…but I do it anyway.
I know I shouldn’t play so long…but it feels so good.
I play until I lose…but when I lose I want to play until I win.
It’s a game, but it’s more than that when I’m playing. It’s survival.
I can rehab an injury from basketball, but I’ll probably just play through it.
I can’t stop.
When I’m off the court, I shoot without a ball.
I still touch barriers above me.
I might not ever recover.
MADDSKILLZ Update (July 08)
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Press Start.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. I’m a man, I’m 20!
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Now available on Channel Zero.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. What’s my age again?
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Out of the blue, and into the black.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Diversify!
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. My philosophy promises to perplex.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. My worst isn’t as bad as your worst.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Remind me where this came from?
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Respect.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Rob cut me.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Get smacked by life.
MADDSKILLZ Update (August 08)