MADDSKILLZ Update
Worst of April
1SKILLZ Management (1maddskillz@gmail.com)
Quote of the Month- “You’re Fired.” Donald Trump (April 04)
Quote of the Month- “Im not good on the spot…Its like that old saying “If u give a chicken a dog, it’ll problaby turn into Godzilla and destroy everything. But if u give it a pencil, it could possibly recreate one of Shakespeare’s plays…” Dwight Dunston, when I told him I needed a quote (April 05)
Quote of the Month- “For anyone keeping record, Martin Scorsese, zero Oscars. For Three 6 Mafia, one.” –Jon Stewart (April 06)
Quote of the Month- “For real for real you’re an asshole, you’re not nice, and you’re really sarcastic, and that really kills me, if you really want to know the truth” Fiona Jackson with the latest example of how much I’ve fallen out off in the last 20 months (and how some girls are too tight for their own good) (April 07)
Quote of the Month: “…Three weeks ago, my girl Tina Fey, she came on this show and she declared that bitch is the new black. You know I love you, Tina. You know you my girl, but I have something to say. Bitch may be the new black, but black is the new president, bitch!” Tracy Morgan on Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update, March 25, 2008 (April 08)
Quote of the Month: “What motivates you?” Cal U softballer Merissa Daley. Sometimes a question is greater than any possible answer. (April 09)
Quote of the Month: “Next up we have David Davis … I love this guy. David Davis. What a great name. David Davis. Can we all just say that name together? Can we? DAVID … DAVIS. One more time, DAVID DAVIS. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW,” Adam Kratz introducing David, Angee, and Walt at the Peace Ambassadors open mic. Major props to all those who did their thing there. The only thing that topped this may have been Steve Robishaw’s Adam Kratz impersonation. (April 2010)
MADDSKILLZ Update (April 04)
First Thoughts (August 04) – This happens to be my ninth update, and the hottest album in the country is Usher’s “Confessions” so, I also have some things to get off my chest. This might be a little too much for some to handle, so approach this list with caution, as I’m being serious here…
1. I think the Yankees are the best team in the world. Here and everywhere.
2. Cranberry juice is the worst drink on earth. Soda and anything else with foam and fizz is the best.
3. I would never go to the prom with someone I met 9 months ago. Even if that person’s name was Nikka.
4. I enjoy disappointing others. And…
5. I hate doing this update, so this is my absolute last one. I absolutely can’t stand it. MADDSKILLZ UPDATE. What kind of bull is that…
That’s all I have to say. Just one more thing before I end this thing…APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!!!!
MADDSKILLZ Update (April 05)
FIRST THOUGHTS (April 09): Ah, spring is in the air. Which means rain is in the air, women smell fresher, and WELCOME TO HELL II has commenced. Not that you would remember, but WELCOME TO HELL I was declared back in the MADDSKILLZ Update (April 05), when I was a senior in high school facing my last month of classes. I have one month separating me from graduation, and I’m going to have a great time earning that bachelor’s degree. And by great, I mean it will be HELL. But before any of that can commence, the MADDSKILLZ Update (April 09) will be brought to you on one of the greatest days of the year, April Still a Fool’s Day. Now, I have taken a look at the last four years in preparation for my last four weeks here, and I have determined I still have some unfinished business left at college (better known to me as California University of Pennsylvania). So in the spirit of April Still a Fool’s Day, the MADDSKILLZ Update will once again break out the list of things I need to do before I graduate:
#34 – I have yet to transfer to New Mexico State University.
#456 – I have yet to write a 100 page paper on a genre of music.
#7 – I still need to get into a regrettably bad relationship.
#8,723 – I still am trying to get suspended from CUTV.
#990 – I still have yet to rob the Easter Bunny.
#-13 – One of these days, I’m driving to Thunder Bay in Canada.
#89 – I still haven’t studied abroad in Parts Unknown.
#1.78 – I still haven’t played solitaire with anyone.
#989 – I still haven’t been hired by Rite-Aid.
#? – I’m still waiting on Godot.
#45 – I have yet to consult Joaquin Phoenix about where to get my facial hair dreadlocked.
#0.0 – “Kicrox” still hasn’t outsold anything Soulja Boy put out.
#1987 – You still don’t know who I am.
#54 – I still haven’t mailed that letter home about the dependents I’m claiming on my taxes.
#1,234,567,891.432 – I haven’t been arrested for overdosing on M&Ms yet.
#4 – As of now, my quest to get kicked out of the Honor’s Program has been unsuccessful.
#25 – I have not yet played bass with the Brother Dwight at the Underground Café.
#9 – Murray’s Pomade hasn’t given me the easiest endorsement deal they could have ever had (I know they aren’t waiting on Mike are they?!)
#076 – I have yet to be caught on tape drunk at the bar.
#1 – I’m still waiting to be invited to the NFL Combine and being told I need left knee surgery.
#69 – Finally, I have yet to finish the MADDSKILLZ Update (April 09). Better work on that.
MADDSKILLZ Update (April 06)
-Picture of Childhood, Justin Bieber version: “Quick! Get me in a studio before my voice changes!” (April 2010)
-You know, this time last month I thought the Chris Webber trade would matter, and that the Heat should be aware of the Sixers future push through the East. Well, I was wrong on that one. The Sixers are A.I.’s team, and they will live and die through him…which means the C-Webb trade didn’t change anything. As for the Heat…how the hell do you lose to Charlotte?!?!?! I mean, Nelly owns that team! And speaking of chart-topping wanna-be owners, it’s probably not a good idea to have them on your squad. The Charlotte Bobcats are a bad expansion team, the Cleveland Cavaliers have ruined a great start since Usher became minority owner-what’s next, 50 Cent hooks up with the Knicks and everyone starts shooting and missing? (April 05)
-You know, just one more prediction from this NCAA tournament: you just know some mother just named her kid George Mason. And the kid’s probably a couple month’s old already, but they decided to change it anyway. (April 06)
-So, how’d you lose your tooth again? (April 07)
-I know there is a restriction on how old one can be to run for President, but is there a restriction on how old one can be to become a genius?!? (April 08)
– History is nothing but old news. (April 09)
-Lindsay Lohan, who used to be on my future spouse prospect list, filed a lawsuit against E-Trade last month, claiming that the Super Bowl commercial with the grown-speaking babies referred to her without permission when the babies discussed “that milkaholic Lindsay.” Lohan makes this claim stating that her name (Lindsay) invokes the same “single-name awareness” that Oprah and Madonna may have. First of all, what exactly was Lindsay (or her dad) waiting on? This commercial had been out a full month! Second of all, I’ve seen what Lindsay Lohan looks like these days. Maybe being referred to as a “milkaholic” is a credit; after all, milk does a body good. Third of all, I need to consult a few more Lindsays on Lindsay Lohan’s single-name status, so I’m waiting to hear from L. Leigh, Nadkarni, Bedford, and Tintenfass about this. (April 2010)
-I’ve been tracking the success of Lady Gaga (not really) and she reminds me of Lil Mama in terms of her name. I think it is interesting how musical artists are going with progressively infantile stage names. This is a brilliant idea, as babies everywhere can learn to say “Lady Gaga” earlier in life than, say, Lupe Fiasco, and be downloading her music off of Limewire by the age of two! In future news, Lupe Fiasco has decided against renaming himself “Papa Dada”. (April 09)
-It’s Rob Ricketts birthday this month (and Cap’n Zack’s birthday). I wanted to ask Justin Plummer this question but apparently he’s busy throwing shots or something. Now Justin likes to refer to Rob as “DARKNESS”. Rick James liked to refer to Charlie Murphy as “Darkness”. And I like to refer to former Syracuse forward Kueth Duany as “Dark Vader”. Seriously, there is darkness, and then there’s Kueth Duany (http://www.suathletics.com/images/basketball/mbasket/2001/10/25/Duany01.jpg). So who should really be “DARKNESS”: Rob (of the FAMED posse), Charlie Murphy, or the man who is so dark that he is practically invisible at night? (April 07)
-Chances are if you’ve seen Maury Povich, you’ve seen an episode of extremely huge babies and their clueless parent(s). Now, the first 20 times, it was sad. It wasn’t until the 21st time, when I was actually eating with Brian B-waite and some more soccer players that I came up with a damn terrible idea. See I was thinking, with a kid that big, you immediately start calling some NFL scouts and pro trainers and make that kid into a model offensive or defensive lineman! And it all starts with a new line of training I like to call Baby FAT. That’s right, Baby FAT, specializing in made for 200 pound 5 year old’s everywhere! Free weights, machines, milk, we have it all at Baby FAT. We even have special Baby FAT muscle shirts, since all these kids come on Maury’s show with nothing on but a custom diaper. Innovative? Yes. Retarded? It’s April Fool’s Day. (April 06)
-After over three years there will be a sequel to the film Love Actually, tentatively titled as Sex Actually… (April 07)
-A lot of people still use Yellow Book, but I want to know what happened to Coloring Book… (April 08)
-I was with the Brother Dwight (of the FAMED posse) when I introduced the Professional Party Slide-Through. Basically, this is for use when you need to not be at a party but at the same time, don’t want to miss the whole party. You want to see for yourself what’s up for yourself, but know it is best if you don’t stick around and become a story. Best used when you’re, you know, engaged. The Professional Party Slide-Through is best executed with a designated driver. That is, someone that is willing to stay behind the wheel during the slide through. While your ride stays in the car and circles around for a potential parking spot, you enter the scene. Don’t move fast, and say hello to everybody who speaks in your direction, but always stay moving. Explore all parameters of the setting. When it becomes clear that you should bounce, immediately notify the driver to stop looking for parking spots and to meet you at the door in five minutes. This is enough time for a song to ride out, to get a parting number, and most importantly, to get out before you go against your gut. (April 2010)
-Major League Baseball starts up this month. The Philadelphia Phillies will not repeat in 2009. Why not? Because Ethan Seidel didn’t do a MLB preview this year saying that they will. (April 09)
-In a related issue, PONP (RE: Josh Aichenbaum) has visited the “rediscovery” of certain board games at school. Ever since cardplaying was prohibited, FCS students haven’t looked far to find another form of in-school activity in the cafeteria, board games. Chess is almost as popular this season as Ultimate Frisbee back in 2001-2002 (they tried to get a team back then). Other board games have “surfaced”, such as “Guess Who”. Aichy had a good point about the controversial problems of Guess Who, but there are other games out there that need updating now that we have the awareness to discover them. Remember Operation? Seriously who needs to have a writer’s cramp removed? And Candy Land…what’s the deal with Queen Frostine? And who can forget about Monopoly…that game is the real reason people pork up at McDonalds. You can’t say Super Size Me anymore, but you can still get two free Big Macs at Pennsylvania Avenue. (April 05)
-Speaking of Beyoncé songs, her and Jay-Z apparently are not expecting a child, amid rumors of the contrary, so we’ll have to wait for the “Single Ladies” remix (“If you liked it then you should’ve put a baby in it…”) (April 2010)
-Wrigley has admitted that Big Red is not flavored with cinnamon; it is instead flavored with a chemical known to many as “Hot Breath”. In a related story, Wrigley also announced that it will debut a new placebo-flavored gum. The name will be determined after the experiment. (April 08)
-I had to see a play called Sylvia with my friend Robyn not too long ago. Basically it was about a female dog named Sylvia that was found one day by a man named Greg and he fell in love with the dog and his wife Kate didn’t appreciate the lack of attention. To put it nicely, it looked like Greg was getting it in with Sylvia. I think that’s what I said in my reaction paper… (April 06)
-Snickers. Now even more nuts in your mouth. (April 04)
-Actions speak louder than words…how else could deaf people understand sign language? (April 05)
-Now I should address Obama here. He caught some conservative flak for his NCAA picks, which is okay if they think office pools around America are detrimental to the country’s level of production. But around the same time, he went on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and some people said that he should be focusing on the economy instead of making jokes about the Special Olympics. Now, I will say that the Special Olympics joke was quite bad and hard to defend, and he was right to apologize in a timely fashion. However, there are people saying that if George W. Bush made the same joke, it would have had more legs! Come on now … if Bush made a comment about the Special Olympics, I don’t think it would have been a problem, because he might actually qualify for the Special Olympics! I’m sorry, that was quite bad and hard to defend, so I apologize. Bush couldn’t even qualify for the Special Olympics. But back to the point here, Obama’s job is to fix the economy – this has been established. However, it is ridiculous to keep thinking that he should spend every waking minute fixing the economy! Obama’s playing basketball? He should be fixing the economy. Obama’s in Hawaii? He should be fixing the economy! Obama’s on network television talking about the economy? Dammit, he should be fixing the economy! Anyone who has ever had a job to do knows that a part of doing the job is not doing the job. Let me explain. If I have a 5 page paper on X-Men to do, then I will spend part of that time watching the episodes and writing, another part taking showers, another part eating Starburst, another part watching UConn’s women win by 50, and another part taking my 3rd nap of the day. You might mess around and say that I should have been working on my paper the whole time. But even though you did that and got your paper done before me, I wound up getting an A on the chill while you got a C stressing yourself out! Balance is an important part of any person’s professional life, that’s all I’m saying. And one last thing here … I prefer not to use Bush as a benchmark to anything Obama does. Instead, I am introducing WWMcD: What Would’ve McCain Done? After all, McCain had to remind Obama that if he wanted to run against George W. Bush, he should have done so in 2004! So if Obama hasn’t fixed the economy yet, ask yourself: WWMcD? What if McCain went on Leno? What if McCain picked Wake Forest to make the Final Four? These questions shall guide our political opinions! (April 09)
-That Encyclopedia Brown sure turned out to be a disappointment… (April 09)
-Wednesday April 27th is Administrative Professionals Day. It comes in the midst of Administrative Unprofessionals Week. (April 05)
-In a related story, Passover is this month. I must have blood on my door the way some of these females pass me over… (April 09)
MADDSKILLZ Update (April 07)
ONE SHOT (April 07): I would like to thank those people who suggested me to go home for Spring Break last month. As a result, you all get the story of my break. I was on the road for 27 hours on Wednesday and Saturday combined, and at home for 58 hours. I hope to one of these years not have to talk about how something got messed up over break:
I was in California until Wednesday morning…that’s when I met Jessica, who was going to Harrisburg. You know the deal: new friend, another travel buddy…on the bus to Charleroi was an old woman who kept bringing up Hawaii and a man who was mute and could barely walk, me and Jess didn’t really notice him until…we got on another bus to go to Pittsburgh, the handicapped man got my attention by swinging his arm wildly at my fitted, almost knocking it off. He had a handwritten letter saying he needed to get to the Greyhound station to go to Philly. What a coincidence. No problem…while on the bus me and Jess meet Yancey, a former IUP baller who turned out to be cool with Jay-Z and R. Kelly…when me and Jess get off the bus we find out right away that this man was going to complicate things as he almost falls trying to get off of the bus…Since I’m a navigator, I told Jess to follow me but to keep an eye on the man. This turned out to be disastrous. The man couldn’t make it without a wheelchair eventually, but the Pittsburgh police apparently didn’t help too much. By now, Jess was crying her eyes out because no one would help this man (and she was about to miss her bus), I was in no man’s land (and about to miss my bus), while both of us were trying to figure out who would leave this man to get from California to Philadelphia BY HIMSELF!…Luckily we both made our busses home…I got home at 8:30PM, and proceeded to take out my hair, which took 6 hours…
On Thursday I got up early for an informational session (early being 11AM), which turned into a good interview…After my interview that day I bought a 4GB flash drive to move my music files from home to the new laptop, which took a day and a half…my mom also graciously did my hair…On Friday I wanted to leave but just like my luck this year, I couldn’t because of the snowstorm that cancelled everything…I had Dwight over for a couple of hours, but I was stuck in the house editing music…
Finally Saturday, I woke up at 6:00AM…I didn’t get to Greyhound until about 8AM…met Joeline, a single mother of 3 (you know the deal, another bus buddy)…left Greyhound at 10 AM, on bus until 5:45PM…dealt with St. Patrick’s Day in Pittsburgh, left Pittsburgh on bus to Charleroi…Bus to California wasn’t running, so I tried to call a cab at 8PM. Apparently cabs stop running in Charleroi at 8PM, even though the Sparkle Mart is open until 9PM…I finally got back to California at around 10PM Saturday.
Now you know why I don’t home. I hope all enjoyed this Update, I hope I get a lot of feedback on it, tell your friends about it whatever. That’s my story for the month.
MADDSKILLZ Update (April 08)
ONE SHOT (April 2010): Obviously, this month’s a big deal with the wedding and planning for this baby shower and the birthdays of Captain Zack, Rob the Legend, and Coach Tim. I have limited free days/weekends this month, and April marks the beginning of the end of normalcy. Due to my future plans across the globe, I will not return to FCS BRMC this summer, and I may not make it to Cal U or Friends’ Central or any other place you were missing me at these last several months without a good official reason! So whoever sees me this month or the next, it’s a big deal so get me while you can!
I would also like to bring to your attention that this April is also National Child Abuse Prevention Month, National Humor Month, and Stress Awareness Month! Now, the MADDSKILLZ Update is into consolidation, so: Laugh your stress away as we arm children with the tools to beat down child abusers. That should do it. And of course, once this month ends, people can (and will) go back to prohibiting child abuse across the nation, ignoring out-of-control stress levels, and reading this particular MADDSKILLZ Update. That’s my news! I’m off now to fix this loose-fitting ring, work on this baby shower reservation, and signing these prenups. And maybe checking the calendar.
MADDSKILLZ Update (April 09)
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. And I’m not fooling around.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. This is my show, bringing in Fool’s Gold.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. MADDSKILLZ Update?! Brilliant!
This has been a ETADPU ZLLIKSDDAM. Where no one cares that much about Ardmore.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. My worst isn’t as bad as your worst.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. Graduate or die tryin’.
This has been a MADDSKILLZ Update. CYLAWSWCTL.
MADDSKILLZ Update (April 2010)